When The No Contact Rule Works With An Ex – And When It Doesn’t

Couple Not Talking
If you’ve been looking online for information on how to make an ex want you back, you’ve probably heard of the no contact rule. It says, quite simply, that before you start making any move toward getting back together, you need to go through a period of time when you have no contact with an ex.

For most people, this is not easy to do. You may be wondering if it’s even worth it. Let’s see how the no contact rule works with an ex so you can decide whether it’s likely to be successful for you.

No Contact Rule – How Long?

In Text Your Ex Back, Michael Fiore lays down a 30 day no contact rule to get an ex back. He says this is the best length of time to go without seeing, phoning or texting your ex.

Some online sources suggest waiting even longer. We don’t think that’s necessary, although you can still get back together with an ex after more time. If several months or even years have passed since you had any contact with your ex, you’re in a great position because you can begin the next step without waiting.

But 30 days of no contact is enough in most cases. It’s time for your ex to begin to forget the heat of whatever caused the breakup. If they’ve started seeing someone new, it gives them time to maybe become disillusioned with that new relationship.

It’s also enough time for the pain of the breakup to lose its sharpest edge for you. We don’t mean you’ll get over your ex in that time – likely you’ll still miss them and want to get back together, but you’re not so likely to act emotionally which would probably only drive them further away. You can be cool – and you have to be cool if you want your ex back.

To discover more about how the no contact rule works and exactly how to make an ex want you back, check out Text Your Ex Back here.

Does The No Contact Rule Work?

The no contact rule works in a lot of cases because it gives the space you both need to stop acting on raw emotion and start thinking realistically about how you can reestablish your relationship and build it to be stronger next time around.

There’s a good chance it will work if:

– your ex doesn’t want to see you

– you know you’ve been contacting your ex too much (calling, seeing them, texting)

– you want the relationship to work

– you’re prepared to do things differently next time around

There are situations where it doesn’t work. For example if you expect your ex to change and you’re not willing to change yourself, the problems that you had before are likely to come back. But it’s your best shot, so for anybody who wants to get back together with an ex, it’s worth trying.

You won’t know unless you try!

When We Say ‘No Contact’…

… we mean it! You don’t call your ex or show up at their apartment … okay, you got that.
But also:

– you don’t call their number just to hear their voicemail.

– you don’t hang around near their workplace to catch a glimpse of them going in or out.

– you don’t ‘just happen to be passing’ their favorite lunch venue.

– you don’t seek out their friends hoping to hear some news.

– you don’t even look at their Facebook page to find out what they’re doing.

Wait until you’re back in contact with them and let them tell you what they’ve been doing – if they want to. That way, you’ll be genuinely surprised and they won’t feel you’ve been spying on them.

What If You HAVE To Have Contact With Your Ex?

In a few cases there might be reasons why some contact between you is necessary. You might have kids and need to arrange access visits. You might have left stuff at your ex’s home and want to fetch it, or the other way around. You might even work together.

In that situation, think what you would do if you REALLY didn’t want any contact with your ex at all. What would you do if this was a person that you never wanted to see or hear from again? Some ideas:

– if you needed to collect stuff from them, you’d either do it when they were not home or have a friend pick it up for you.

– if they wanted things from your place, you wouldn’t be there. You might ask a friend to be there to check they didn’t take all of your furniture. Or, you’d pack up their stuff and leave it with a friend for them to collect, or have UPS deliver it to them.

– if you were arranging access for your kids, you’d do it in the most distant way: again, through a friend or family member, or even through your lawyer if a divorce has started.

– if you work for the same company, you’d just avoid them as much as you can. Take a route to the coffee machine that doesn’t pass by their desk. Use the stairs to avoid meeting in the elevator. Consider looking for another job or applying for a promotion that would take you out of your ex’s work area. You might be able to make a good career move from the situation.

Use your friends and family during this time. Most of those people will be glad to help you – if you just ask!

“It’s Hard!”

Yes it can be hard to face a whole 30 days of not seeing or speaking to your ex – but you CAN do it if you keep telling yourself that it’s the best – in fact, probably the only – way to make your ex want you back.

Think of all the future that you might have together – the years of happiness. You don’t want to throw that away by indulging your impulses now.

It helps if you can see the next steps ahead of you too. If you understand the whole process, you’ll see where this fits in the system and how the no contact rule works to help you get back together.

>> Click here to see all the steps right now and
start getting your ex back
with Text Your Ex Back from the official website <<

 

white space


Next post: Get Your Ex Back Coach: Michael Fiore Text Your Ex Back

508 thoughts on “When The No Contact Rule Works With An Ex – And When It Doesn’t

  1. Adun

    Hi. We met online. He was practically all over me. Obviously so much in love with me. I returned the feeling. I fell in love with him big time. But suddenly some two months after i noticed he was drawing back. Distancing himself. Not saying he love me back when i say it. I brought it up and he apologised and said he hasnt been in a relationship for long and was only sub consciously protecting his freedom and running away from commitment that we should just be friends since he even feel things happened too fast between us. I said ok, we can be friends but i am ready so much to be a lover and friend to him. I still noticed that after that he was still naking excuses and not really available emotionally even as a friend. I decided to not contact him. He sent me a message after 6 days of me not contacting him. He asked how i was doing, my daughter and my job. I replied fine and asked he was doing too. And i am still going on with the no contact rule. Today is day 9. I love him. I want him back but i want him to come for me the way he did initially before he started distancing. Do you think the no contact will work? Thanks.

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      I think you have a good chance. It’s a good sign that he contacted you, and good that you haven’t been begging or putting on any pressure.

      Being friends is only likely to work if you stop being in love with him, frankly. Otherwise it will never be enough for you, and that will probably cause him to pull away. It’s fine if being friends is what you really want, but not if it’s second best for you.

      Reply
      1. Adun

        Thanks so much. I sincerely want more than just being friends, i am in love with him. But i will carry on and not put any pressure at all. I am not in a hurry for anything! I want whatever he wants to genuinely come from him. Thanks!

        Reply
      2. Adun

        Hi. I did not complete the NC as he kept texting me and i was responding. Although he was still emotionally distant. It wasn’t easy for me at all as i realised that i genuinely want commitment not friendship. If he were even allowing the friendship to flow freely, it would have been much bearable. He was holding back, not calling me regularly, cold to me today, warm tomorrow, not responding to my messages immediately etc. My birthday was ten days ago, he sent me a text referring to me as “friend” . The message was as casual as it can be. He wrote a plain birthday message on my Facebook wall also. I waited the whole day for his call to no avail. The next day i sent him a messager as i removed him from my Facebook friend list. I told him i have done so. We met on Facebook. He saw me and sent a request to me and we started chatting. So removing him means i ended things. I told him i was tried as i am in love with him and it doesnt seem to be so with him. I said i needed space to get over the unrequitted love. He said fine, he respected my choice. No contact between us since. Half of me want him back. Do you think 30 days of NC will do that? Half of me is just scared, i don’t want a loveless/ non committed man.

        Reply
        1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

          Nobody can tell you what the future holds. I think that this system has the best chance of getting an ex back, but it does involve no contact, for real. If you reply when he texts you, it won’t work. The idea is to be unavailable so he has to decide if he is willing to commit, and starts to miss you. If you are always there when he wants to reach out, that won’t happen.

          I guess you know that, so there’s not much more to say. But if half of you is thinking maybe you’d be better off with somebody else, then you may find by the end of the 30 days that you are ready to move on anyway. I would just be open to other things, build a life, spend time doing things you enjoy with people who appreciate and care for you like your friends, and let the time pass.

          Reply
          1. Adun

            Thank you so much. Yes i very much know No contact is No contact. I am complying strictly right now. Today is day eleven. I feel so much at ease doing it this time around. I will surely complete it. Thanks.
            Sure, i am living my life. Doing so many other things with family, friends and colleagues who i don’t have to second guess their commitment level! Lol.
            I will keep you posted. Thanks.

          2. Adun

            Hi. Today is day 25. I am happy i have gone this far successfully. But it hasn’t been all easy i must admit. Some days are crazy, i missed him so much i cried. In all i know i still love him and wish we be back together and all will be well.
            My question/fear now is this, he was the one who found me out and made the first move about 8 months ago. He was so much into me obviously and told me he loved me. I fell for him too and all was well untill about two months after that he started distancing. We never had it together again, he was not commited and was like in and out and not fully available emotionally again. He even said we should just be friends at a point. Well, i agreed but i was in love. I got frustrated about 25 days ago and told him i don’t want to be friends again. Do you think if i now contact him after 30 days it will not be like i want to force him to do what he doesnt want to do? His birthday is in nine days, i am hoping to wait till then and just send him a simple “Happy birthday”. Do you think that is ok? I am apprehensive. I think he should make the move to get back if his mind has changed. What do you think please? Thanks

  2. Chris

    I hope it works Adun! If not, it can help you heal!! And just so you know, you’re not alone! I’m in the same position as you. Met Online, going smoothly, I have a daughter too, and he became distant. I’m going to try this too. Either way it’s the best thing to do if the time isn’t right for whatever reason.

    Update us! Either way, lots of love and healing energy to your heart!!

    Reply
  3. Miguel

    I dated my ex for 6 months and we ended breaking up because I was acting like an asshole and I couldn’t make my own choices without others influencing my decisions from what she said but she was kind bossy, cranky at times and she love me too . So We talked and I decided to end it. Now that a month has pass I feel like I miss her more than ever and want to get back with her but only if we both agree to do our part and change for the best of us. I have always been afraid to show my true emotions and when I reach 6 months I end up breaking up with girls but with her I feel different about her and I wish that I would have never broken up with her. Do you think there will be a chance to get back together?

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      Yes, I think there is a good chance, but only if you want this girl back as she is. If you expect her to change in some way to please you, it’s not likely to work (even if you’re willing to also change yourself to please her). This may sound harsh, but one of the biggest reasons for relationships failing is when one partner tries to change the other one.

      People are what they are, and while they may have issues to work through, they need to do that for their own reasons in their own time. Let me put it like this: imagine she will continue to be exactly as she was forever, bossy, cranky, but loving you. Would you be willing to live with the bossiness and crankiness, maybe call her out on it but not fight over it, and still want to be with her?

      If the answer is yes, you can try contacting her, and if I was you I’d start with an across the bow text like in the examples here: http://textyourexbackspy.com/text-your-ex-back-examples/

      If it’s a no, then for the sake of both of you I’d look for someone else and wait until you meet someone you love for what they are, not what they might be. Good luck

      Reply
      1. Miguel

        My answer is yes. The way I feel about her is very different compare to all the girls I have dated. Mostly likely because I actually fell in love but didn’t want to admit it and broke up with her. Should I do the NC rule first and go from there. Thank you go for your reply

        Reply
      2. Miguel

        We broke up about a month ago. I’m not sure if it it matters or not but I texted her a couple of times with no respond. I started the NO Contact rule about a week ago. When do you think would be the right time to text her the across the bow text?

        Reply
  4. Ruben

    My ex and I broke up after 3 months a few days ago and I miss her terribly. Her reason for breaking things off was that there were differences in the both of us and, while she had a lot of feelings for me, didn’t feel secure about it working in the future and she needed to think of what was best. I told her it was fine and I had no issues with the differences but her insecurities got the best of her. As of now I’ve been in no contact 3-4 days and she messaged me yesterday to see if I was okay. I responded I was ok and asked how she was but no response back. My question is this..how long should I go into no contact with her for?

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      I would do 30 days. You last texted her with a question yesterday, so that’s 1 day already (not 3-4). If she contacts you like that again, it’s better not to ask her any questions at all, not even “how are you”, because she may feel that’s pressure or you’re trying to start a conversation. You would answer her question briefly if you want, like you did by saying okay or fine, but don’t ask anything back.

      Hope that helps

      Reply
  5. Nathanielle

    My ex and I broke up last year but our set up is just really confusing few months before. She said to me that she really decided to forget about us in december last year but it didnt end up in that. In fact we still continue to chat after that incident but not until this past days when ive raged my emotion when i saw her picture with other guy. That basically became a turning point for me, coz she said that I must a not get more into his life coz she said she already moved on from me. What should I do now? I really want her back

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      I would do no contact for 30 days in this situation. I know it is very hard thinking of her with someone else, but the best thing you can do for that is not check her social media. You cannot stop her seeing other people even if you wanted to. So I would wait and then after the 30 days send an across the bow text. And hopefully by then she will have started to miss you and regret the breakup.

      Reply
  6. Kyle

    My ex girlfriend and I were together for 2years. A few months ago she begged me to change from being an asshole. I promised but never did. We use to be madly in love and now she tells me she has no more feelings. I tried to fix myself after we broke up and promised to change.. I littered her with gifts and it only made it worse. It’s been 2 days with no contact and my heart is broken..

    Reply
      1. Kyle

        I begged and pleaded for one more chance and it didn’t work so was emotional and told her not to text me anymore angry like which was a mistake..

        Reply
        1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

          I’m sorry to hear about that, but asking her not to text you anymore isn’t so much of a mistake. It will make it easier for you to stay out of contact which is what I’d do in your situation. 30 days of no contact is a challenge for you but it gives her the space she most likely needs to start to want you back.

          Pleading and giving gifts don’t work, as you found out. All of that only feels like unwanted pressure to the other person and makes them want to run a mile. What you need is for her to actually want to see you, and for that it’s best if you separate yourself from her for a while. The way to make it easier on yourself is not even check up on what she’s doing, so don’t look at her social media, don’t talk to her friends and such.

          In fact, talking to her friends or hanging out in places where you might see her counts as having contact because she will surely hear about it and feel pressure – maybe even feel you are stalking her. That is absolutely the last thing you want her to be thinking!

          So I would leave things as they are and not text again, even if you feel bad about sounding angry. It is fine and best to let it go — unless maybe if you sent a death threat or something seriously scary like that, you might want to let her know you didn’t mean it. Otherwise, apology is not necessary and likely to feel like more pleading from her point of view.

          Reply
  7. Ester

    Hello, hope you’re doing well 🙂 First of all, thank you for this article!

    My story goes like this: I met this guy three years ago during an internship abroad. We were good friends but we both had partners. After a year (in 2016) he came to visit me at my place, which is quite difficult to reach (I live in a small town in Spain and he’s from France) and we started a relationship. We were long distance during 4-5 months and then I moved to France (not with him).

    I’ll fast-forward to February this year. We had been having some troubles because he had done a semester as erasmus student and he hadn’t been treating me the way I deserved but we worked it through. However, one month and a half ago he told me that he would need to break up with me when I would leave France (a bit more than a week ago now) We talked about it and he told me that he had never been so in love with me but that he didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life and he didn’t want to “block” me. So, since he didn’t know how long this would take him, he decided to break up and I accepted it. This past month has been amazing. He’s been more lovely, passionate, caring… than ever! He even started talking about marriage! But the plan of breaking up was still in place.

    Almost two weeks ago I left France and therefore, our relationship ended. The goodbye was very sad. He told me I was his soulmate, he truly loves me, he won’t forget me and he will come back one day. These two weeks he has been contacting me everyday with the most stupid excuses until I told him that it would be better for both of us to stop speaking. Yesterday, we had a Skype call and he told me everything all over: he misses me, he loves me, I’m the one and one day we will get married (but he still needs time alone) Today has been our first no contact day. I believe he was honest when telling me all those things but I’d like to do 30 days of no contact. The problem is that it’s his birthday the 27th May (before the 30 days are over) and he made me promise I would text him. What do you think? Should I do strict no contact during 30 days or can I break it for his birthday? Thanks in advance!

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      It sounds to me like he wants to hold all the cards here. He wants to break up but he also wants to make sure you will wait around for him (all the talk about being soulmates, marriage one day, and such … so you won’t be tempted to move on to someone else). He doesn’t want to commit to you, but he wants you to commit to him. He loves you most when you’re about to leave. Making you promise to text him on his birthday fits right in with this.

      But you promised. So what do you do? It’s a good question. If you text him, you’ll show him you are still there waiting, ready for the day when he will want to commit to you. He doesn’t have to hurry that day up. But if you don’t contact him for his birthday like you promised, it’s kind of game-playing that he may see through. If I were you, I think I would do something, but not exactly what he asked. He asked you to text, so instead you might mail him a card, or post a happy birthday sticker on his Facebook (the kind you might send to a friend in either case). But don’t text. That way he’s not controlling you so much.

      You should then start the 30 days over. I know that’s not what you want to hear because May 27th would have been right near the end. But in fact you may hear from him around then anyway, and I think you’ll see that either he is ready to commit or it’s time to start another 30 days of no contact.

      Reply
      1. Ester

        Thank you very much for your advice! I started no contact and after four days he contacted me, called me “my love”, and said “I love you” before going to sleep. The day after he contacted me again and told me he missed me and that he couldn’t build his life without me but he didn’t say he wanted to get back together. After that he didn’t contact me again and (I know it was a mistake) I asked him if he was trying to to do no contact again. He said that he was trying but it was hard. I didnt answer, I just accepted it. Today, I’ve seen that he has blocked me on WhatsApp. I’ve checked and he hadn’t blocked me on Facebook so Ive asked him why. He has replied saying that he has done it so that he doesn’t have the temptation to text me because he’s immerse in his decision making at the moment. He then proceeded to block me on Facebook (messenger, we’re still friends) and unfollowed me on Instagram after telling me that he doesn’t want to contact me before he has advanced on his decision… I’m a bit confused due to his “I can’t build my life without you” message and this blocking thing now. What do you think?? Thank you very much again!

        Reply
        1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

          This still sounds like what I said in my first paragraph before – he wants to keep you waiting around by telling you that he needs you, just not right now.

          It sounds like you’ve been contacting him a lot – and not just replying to his messages but asking other questions too. So if you want to do no contact you need to start over. It is a pity that he blocked you because now he might not know you haven’t tried to contact him. But it’s no big deal. The big deal is that you’ll have to be stronger if you want this no contact thing to work.

          Keep in mind that if you reply every time he contacts you, the message you’re sending is “Yes I will be here whenever you want, so you can stay away as long as you like.”

          Reply
          1. Ester

            Yes, you’re right. At the beginning I was just answering his questions but when he said that he couldn’t build his life without me I got excited. I thought he had realised that he needed me and he wanted me back. And so I started talking a lot again… I know I made a big mistake but what’s done is done.

            Thank you for your advice! Right now I feel scared that I won’t hear from him again but well, maybe it’s for the best.

  8. Carrie

    The man I was seeing called things off last week after a month of dating. We both kind of jumped in feet first. For me personally, I completely let my guard down (which I NEVER do) and just let the journey take me where it was going to take me. He is an AMAZING man, seriously the best man I’ve ever dated. We saw each other a lot and talked constantly. I started to develop real feelings for him (too soon probably) but then he called it off. He said the fact that I am no longer religious and he is was a problem for him. He said he still really cared for me and he’s not sure it’s even the right decision, but he had to back off. I’m crushed, but I understand. Thing is, I’m willing to be open and to going back to that part of myself, heck… I was raised in religion. I’m just sad that something that was going SO well was ended before it really began. Help! I feel 30 days is too long in my case since we only were seeing each other a month, but you’re the expert. What do I do? Will anything help?

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      I wouldn’t take a lot of notice of the specific reason that he gave. People will often say something like that because it’s an easy answer to the question “Why?” But it doesn’t mean he would come back if you took up your religion again.

      I’d do 30 days even though you weren’t together very long. That’s not the point, it’s about having time apart to give the other person a chance to miss you. That takes a while in most cases. And if it does happen in less than 30 days, he’ll get in touch with you and tell you.

      Reply
  9. J

    Hi there,

    My story is as follows: We broke up a little over a week ago. Before that we had been together for 2.5 years. About a month ago we had a falling out and he told me he didn’t feel like he could be in a relationship at this time in his life. I had met him only a few months after his previous long term relationship and he believes he met “the right girl at the wrong time.” He told me he felt that he was not being the best boyfriend that he could be and that it hurts him to feel this way and it hurts him that he can not give me 100% when he knows I’ve given him 110%. he told me numerous times that he doesn’t deserve me and that I’m perfect in every way and none of this is my fault. I’ve always knew that he was not fond of commitment and I never pushed him in anyway to commit to me. I think he just got frustrated with himself in not making me completely happy. And that he feels like he hasn’t accomplished enough in his life at this point (approaching 27 years old) and doesn’t want to feel like a relationship is holding him back. The break up was not ugly or angry. It was overall just very sad and he said numerous times to call him whenever I needed to. And that he will never NOT answer me. He told me that this is what needs to happen right now and this is best for us and that I will be just fine. He said this was nothing about other girls and that “I’d probably be in another relationship before he even starts to date again.” He told me I have and always will hold a special place in his heart and that I still mean the world to him. We had a great relationship. Never really fought, never took breaks or went a long time with out talking. The break up happened late night after going out with our friends. I called him the next morning to make sure this is what he really wanted to do and he said it was. And he again reminded me that I could call at any time if I need help and that this was the best thing for us. Since then, it’s been a week. I have not contacted him at all but I keep hoping and praying that he will realize the value I brought to his life and that he will reach out. I told myself that I would complete this 30 days of no contact but that brings me to right before his birthday and I am unsure where to go from here. Do I text him if I haven’t heard from him after 30 days? I really do hope that he realizes this was a huge mistake but I’m scared this will only happen years from now. He even admitted that we were perfect together. Just the timing wasn’t right.

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      Yes, I would do the 30 days of no contact and then send an across the bow text- examples here: http://textyourexbackspy.com/text-your-ex-back-examples/

      The text could be something related to his birthday. Be careful not to include any questions (not even “how are you?”) because you are not asking for anything at all in this text – not any kind of reply. Just reminding him that you exist and letting him know you haven’t totally forgotten him.

      Reply
      1. J

        How am I hoping he responds to this?
        Also- do you think ,given the circumstances, that he will end up reaching out to me during 30 days of NC?

        Reply
        1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

          You would hope that after an across the bow text (or maybe after more than one, but spaced apart in time) he would call you and want to meet up. But keep in mind this is likely to take some time.

          I can’t say if he will reach out sooner than 30 days, but don’t be waiting and hoping for that. It’s better to concentrate on doing some interesting stuff both for your own sanity and so that you have new things to talk about (and not the relationship) at whatever future time you do talk again.

          Hope that helps. Jennie

          Reply
          1. J

            Okay so I should not initiate meeting up at all after the 30 days? Just over time (long period of time I’m guessing..) send the across the bow texts and if he initiates a meet up then go from there?

          2. J

            Update: He did end up calling me after 2 weeks of NC. I missed the call and told him I’d call back later that evening. The chat wasn’t about getting back together though or regretting his decision. He wanted to check-in that I was okay and very much want to let me know that he still cares a lot about me and is having a hard time during this break up as well. He expressed numerous times that he wanted us to be able to remain in contact if I ever needed to talk because he “doesn’t see a life with us not in communication.” He said he was not looking to date anyone else because he already found the perfect girl (me) but the timing still isn’t right for him right now. I expressed to him that this is going to end up being unrealistic because I won’t be waiting around and will eventually move on. He was a bit everywhere but the conversation ended well. I think he is probably expecting me to “be more comfortable” now to reach out to him. But I’m going to stick to my plan and finish the 30 days until I reach out to him.

            Any advice?

          3. Jennie Hernandez Post author

            It’s not no contact if you’re returning his calls. But it sounds like you have a plan 🙂

  10. Sindi

    Hi,

    About a month ago my ex broke things off, saying that he cant deal with me disrespecting him even thou he still loves me. I pleaded with him but he said no. We have been together for about 3 months. We were happy together, except 1 or 2 arguments regarding the same respect issue. I tried the no contact rule but after 2 weeks I texted him and he replied and asked that I dont text him anymore bcos he has moved on. Again I pleaded with him but he still said no. I love him and I want him back. He is a wonderful man nd the most decent I have been with in a while. I am not coping without him and him moving on is unbearable. Would the no contact rule still work? And how do I ensure that I dont fail again? And its his birthday in 20 days, do I say something or no contact?

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      In my opinion the no contact rule is the best chance you have. That doesn’t mean it’s guaranteed to work. But in this situation where he has asked you not to text him, I would definitely stay out of contact for the full 30 days. Including not contacting him on his birthday.

      If you need help with sticking to this, keep in mind that he wants you to respect him and that has to include respecting his request that you don’t text him anymore, right? Also, pleading never works, it only drives the person farther away.

      After the 30 days the usual next step is an across the bow text. This is a very low-pressure text that doesn’t ask any questions or sound like it expects a reply. It basically just reminds the person that you exist and lets him know you still think of him sometimes.

      But with NO pressure. Since he asked you not to text him, you might want to think of another way to do this. It might be a message sent in a different way. But it shouldn’t involve talking to him on the phone or meeting with him, even “accidentally”, because all of that is likely to be too much, pushing him away again. The idea is that you give him space for the 30 days and then gently and casually remind him of the good times that you had. But no questions, no neediness, no pressure to meet.

      Reply
      1. Sindi

        But what if he contacts me? Do I reply or ignore him? He has sent 2 texts since he asked that I dont text him nd I am tempted to reply!

        Reply
        1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

          It’s up to you. Did he ask a question that you need to reply to?
          If you do reply and you still want to do no contact, you would need to start counting the days over from when you reply.
          Also, I wouldn’t do anything to prolong the contact. So if you reply, keep it short, and don’t ask him any questions, or make any suggestion to meet, or say anything that shows you expect him to text you again.

          Reply
          1. Sindi

            Hi,

            He basically said Hello 2 days ago but I did not reply and today he just said happy mothers day.
            I think I will reply nd say thank u and leave it there.

  11. LH

    Me and my ex dated for five months. I had trust issues from my past relationship and let my thoughts take over. I always accused him of doing something and always questioned him. He got tired of it eventually and broke up with me. He says he wants me to work on myself and him work on himself… he also feels like I’m too clingy. He said he hopes I work on myself and learn how to trust. What if the no contact makes him move on completely rather than miss me?

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      There are no guarantees, but if he feels like you’re too clingy, keeping on contacting him is more likely to push him away than not contacting him, IMO.

      Reply
        1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

          Yes. IF you know that you have trust issues, it’s probably a good idea to work on that, too. But do that for yourself, not just for him.

          Reply
  12. Nigel

    Well I’ve been googling all things how to get your x-back related and came across your article. My background is in a marriage where my x wife cheated on me after 14 years. We had 1 child. We separated for 3 years I dated of course, we got back together and didn’t work out.

    So almost 2 years from that I met my recent ex girlfriend who is 24 and I’m 37. We almost instantly fell in love. She was what I had been looking for after dating for what felt like a century and no interest in anyone. My lease came up and she suggested I move in with her. Our relationship was great, bedroom area she always praised me, we both admitted we never felt about anyone else the way we felt about each other. There were a couple things she made mention of on occasion that bothered her. I would make insecure in nature comments (though I actually trusted her 100%). And she rarely drank alcohol and I drank pretty freaquen but not in excess. A glass of wine or 2 every other night. I may have gotten drunk 4 times in the 6 months we were together. I wouldn’t get mean or anything just kind of annoying. Lol. Which, a drunk person to a non drunk person is usually annoying. She went away to visit her sister who had just gave birth and the whole weekend she was texting me about how she wants to try for a baby, lets get married sooner than later and she really wants to have my babies. Really pushing it. Which, I did/ do want those things too. So I was on board in all my messages.

    When she came home we took her younger sister out for dinner who she is extremely close with. And at dinner said when we get our house her sister is going to come live with us for a little while…..now, I was extremely stressed at work as my job can be very stressful. So for some reason this just set me off that she wasn’t going to at least ask me how I felt about it. Not that I would have said no. Anyways. We both texted the entire argument, I sent book long messages defending my wanting to be included in decisions like that and she turned it into we have different views on helping family. Keep in mind my sister raised me as a kid which she knew so the whole thing just got blown out of proportion. 2 days of this, she said she was done. All the things combined compounded into that 2 days and she was so angry with me there was no going back for her. She told me to pack my stuff, changed the locks and of course I pleaded and apologized up until the day I moved all my stuff out.

    Now, I moved everything into a storage unit in our apartment building which she wasn’t happy about after I left. I did accidentally forget my son’s fish in the apartment which she hasn’t even mentioned. This happened last sat and I’ve gone NC with her since sat. I don’t know how you can go from babies and marriage. After our first blow out to I’m done. What do you think? (I know everyone is different in every way). But should the NC have the desired effect I’m looking for?? She’s unlike any girl I’ve met. Very cut and dry. But, I meant what I said. I love her and I want a life with her. I’ve since stopped drinking all together the week before last. The week we had the argument. I’ve gone back to a counselor regarding my insecurity. Any feedback would be appreciated. Thanks!

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      I know it seems weird to go from talking about marriage and babies to ending things so fast, but there are several reasons why this can happen. One is that the contact with her sister’s baby awoke her maternal instincts but later she didn’t feel ready and had a reaction against the whole thing including you. Another is that some negative feelings or fears were there all the time but she pushed them down until they all burst out at once.

      Either way, I would do no contact in your situation because it sounds like she needs time to cool off. But it sounds to me like there’s a good chance you will get back together unless there’s stuff been going on in her life or her feelings that she hasn’t told you. There’s no way to know about that so you just have to wait. I know it’s hard.

      BTW book-length texts are never a great idea in my opinion. Talking face to face is best because you get instant feedback on every word from the other person’s facial expression so it’s much easier to work towards a solution that brings you back together. Long texts or emails tend to push each person further into their own separate point of view so they make things worse. After a fight it’s better to save the explanations for when you can meet up. And then always make them with a view to figuring out a way forward for the two of you, not to justify or defend yourself. Just for future information.

      Reply
  13. Jadyne

    Hello, i broke up with my ex 2 weeks ago after we have been together for just over a year. The relationship had always been strained as he has a lot of baggage (family issues and responsibilites, babymama drama, studying for a degree and we live over an hour away). He broke up with me because he said that he doesnt have the capacity to be in a relationship right now and give me what i need and deserve as i kept nagging him to spend more time with me and complaining that he never called me. When he broke up with me he said he still loved and cared for me and if his situation changed and i didnt nagged so much then he would try again. He said that his feelings for me hasnt changed however im starting to feel like he has moved on as he hasnt bothered to contact me at all in two weeks since we broke up. I am doing the nc rule and i havent contacted him at all since he broke up with me. Does this mean that since he hasnt contacted me he doesnt love me and his feelings have changed? Should i continue with nc or cut him off and delete him out of my life? Im still partly hoping that things will simmer down and he will want to get back with me or atleast reach out

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      There’s no way to know what he’s thinking or feeling. Even if somebody tells us how they are feeling, we don’t know if it may change, so there’s even no point in asking. I would continue with the no contact and then the other steps in the plan. It may be that he is glad of some space right now, so I would definitely not contact him through the 30 days.

      And yes he may reach out, but if he does, be careful not to put pressure on him to get back together or even to meet up, because it’s best if exes come to see for themselves that they want the relationship back, not to feel pressured into it.

      Reply
  14. Megan

    Hi does the no contact rule work the same if we both agreed not to contact each other for two weeks? Will it have the same effect if he knows I’m not contacting him/ vice versa?

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      Yes, because it goes on for more than 2 weeks. He will likely be expecting you to contact him after the two weeks, and if you’re following this system, you won’t. So then he has a chance to wonder why and start to miss you and want to hear from you.

      Reply
  15. Jack

    Hi there, I was dating this girl for 2 months, she just got out of a 4 year engagement. We did fight a lot, mainly due to her issues with depression. She said she didn’t want to talk anymore after 2 weeks and I said ok no worries, after 1 and half days she msgs me saying she was in hospital with depression and could we talk? I did and it was ok for another 2 weeks and she did the same thing saying she cared about me so much but things just couldn’t work out it was reality due to her having depression, her still living with her ex, having a kid with him etc. I said no worries and left it and 3 days later I msgs her and she said she missed me and we went back to normal. Things were great for about a month. A few little Fights but nothing massive.

    She said she loves me but just can’t be with me cos she doesn’t even know what’s up and down atm. She said maybe in a few months when things are better with her mental state and if I’m available we could try again. After a few days I sent her a snap but then I deleted her of snap chat cos I didn’t want her to open it and me to break contact! That was 10 days after we hadn’t spoke. Since then it’s been 14 days so 21 days all up since we haven’t spoken on the phone or msgs or any real conversation at all! What do I do, I miss this girl so badly :(?

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      Hi Jack, I read all of your comment but I have cut it down for the length to publish. After the 30 days of no contact you would start to make contact again in a non-pressure way with across the bow texts. You can see some examples in the post here: http://textyourexbackspy.com/text-your-ex-back-examples/

      You’ll see those messages are short and they don’t ask any questions about the other person, not even “How are you doing?” The idea is to remind them of the good times you had without putting any pressure on them at all.

      Reply
  16. Jimmy

    My gf and I of a year broke up. We both had an extreme amount of stress due to academic and professional obligations. No contact was implemented right after the breakup on my end, but then we mutually agreed upon meeting up to have “closure”. Needless to say she didn’t show up at the scheduled time. She texted me and told me she overslept and wanted to meet up in a half hour. However I was busy for the rest of the day and didn’t get back to her. She called, texted multiple times, and even taped a letter onto my door. When I got home some hours later I texted her and said I had busy. She came over and we had a meeting. I was polite and respected her decision. I did not rub salt in the wound but rather was supportive of her and ignored discussing the details of the breakup. She told me she wanted to be friends and be friends. She said in the future she wants to help me in the application process for my career, and help me study for exams during my final semester. I told her that’s not fair to be doing those things as friends. Her response was that if she has a partner, she would hope they would trust her to come over to my house to help me with these things. I just laughed playfully. She also told me she still feels a connection with me (she was the one who walked away). I am 7 days no contact after that meet up. I have had the urge to reach out but know that I need to move on. Why did she leave me so confused???

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      I can’t read her mind but I’d guess one of two reasons:
      1. she wants to keep you hanging on in case she changes her mind, or because she values your advice on her own issues
      2. she feels guilty about the breakup and is insisting on “helping” you to make herself feel better.

      Either way it sounds like you’re doing all the right things. I would stick with the no contact for 30 days if I were you.

      Reply
  17. Scott

    My ex and I broke up in February. She kept telling me she wants to come back but has to wait until she gets her daughter back. After messing up for a few weeks I went no contact. She eventually reached out to me saying she still wanted a future with me. We talked a while and she stopped contacting me. I went no contact again and she started contacting me and this time said she made a mistake moving in with that guy and should have never done what she did. She was calling me several times each day.

    To this day she has not told me to get out of her life, has not told me we don’t have a future together and has not told me to leave her alone. Over a few weeks I had sent texts to her and have not gotten a reply. I have now gone with no contact again and it’s been 7 days since i last text her.

    I would like to know what should I do now? I have gotten my life back in order and I am doing my own thing but I still think about her and the future we had planned together. It doesn’t consume me like it used too. Each time I broke away from her she pulled me back saying give her time to get her daughter back. What should I do now?

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      Scott, I have edited out of your message some of the private details, but I did read it all. It sounds to me like she’s not sure what she wants. 30 days of no contact might help her decide she wants to make the break and be with you. It’s not certain, but I think it gives you the best chance.

      It may be that she genuinely thinks she will have a better chance of getting custody if she’s with this other guy, but if that’s true then wouldn’t she risk losing custody again if she left him? I don’t know enough about that situation to understand her reasoning. Maybe nobody understands it except her. So there’s no point arguing with her about that, I think. I would just treat this like any other situation with an ex, because the part about the child is nothing you can control or influence.

      Reply
  18. Amanda

    Actually even when the no contact rule “doesn’t work” it does work. It helped you to move on and where you are with the other person. The no contact rule might not bring back an ex, but it allows you to emotionally move on.

    Reply
  19. mary D

    Hello: I met a guy on tinder. I thought he was nice. In the beginning it was sweet. He would send audios and videos saying he was thinking of me, but I knew he was sending it to all the girls he was talking to. Arrogant prick. Anyway, I told him I usually set up a date within a week of connecting with someone. So we finally met and it was nice. I live in Palm Springs and he lives in San Diego. I already explained the distance issue and gave me this bs story about he always drives to palm desert for his workers. That was bs. Anyway, we went on a second date and he did the dirty deed. After that second date, he got into an accident and he started to feel overwhelmed with his accident because he no insurance, money because he was having problems with his job, and family. He told me numerous times he was having financial issues, etc. and did not know when the 3rd date would happen, but I also felt after the dirty deed he was done and wanted to move on to another girl. He finally admitted he was dating someone, but before that he said I was too needy and he could not give me the attention I needed. I blew up his phone. like 30-50 texts between 2 days. I felt from the beginning that he was not into texting, but I started to like him after the second date and went crazy. He blocked me from texting, whatsapp, . He was very nice about my texting problem in the beginning, but he got fed up. I blew it! He admitted he went to jail on the second date. After he told me he started dating a “one of a kind girl”. I know distance was an issue because he struggled with money-gas, etc. I called him a jailbird and blew up his phone. I know I blew it! What do I do? WIll the 30 days work? 99 percent of the time, the guy does come back to me, but he blocked me. Help me please. I like him and he was attracted to me as I was to him. Help me..

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      I can’t know for sure what will happen, but I think the 30 days no contact gives you the best chance. Then be sure to stay very cool with an occasional across the bow text (not every day!) and no questions in the texts, not even “how are you doing.” Try not to keep looking at his social media too. If he stops seeing the other girl, he may come back.

      Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      Then I guess you would have to mail him a note! Or maybe a postcard. Like if you went on vacation somewhere.

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *