When The No Contact Rule Works With An Ex – And When It Doesn’t

Couple Not Talking
If you’ve been looking online for information on how to make an ex want you back, you’ve probably heard of the no contact rule. It says, quite simply, that before you start making any move toward getting back together, you need to go through a period of time when you have no contact with an ex.

For most people, this is not easy to do. You may be wondering if it’s even worth it. Let’s see how the no contact rule works with an ex so you can decide whether it’s likely to be successful for you.

No Contact Rule – How Long?

In Text Your Ex Back, Michael Fiore lays down a 30 day no contact rule to get an ex back. He says this is the best length of time to go without seeing, phoning or texting your ex.

Some online sources suggest waiting even longer. We don’t think that’s necessary, although you can still get back together with an ex after more time. If several months or even years have passed since you had any contact with your ex, you’re in a great position because you can begin the next step without waiting.

But 30 days of no contact is enough in most cases. It’s time for your ex to begin to forget the heat of whatever caused the breakup. If they’ve started seeing someone new, it gives them time to maybe become disillusioned with that new relationship.

It’s also enough time for the pain of the breakup to lose its sharpest edge for you. We don’t mean you’ll get over your ex in that time – likely you’ll still miss them and want to get back together, but you’re not so likely to act emotionally which would probably only drive them further away. You can be cool – and you have to be cool if you want your ex back.

To discover more about how the no contact rule works and exactly how to make an ex want you back, check out Text Your Ex Back here.

Does The No Contact Rule Work?

The no contact rule works in a lot of cases because it gives the space you both need to stop acting on raw emotion and start thinking realistically about how you can reestablish your relationship and build it to be stronger next time around.

There’s a good chance it will work if:

– your ex doesn’t want to see you

– you know you’ve been contacting your ex too much (calling, seeing them, texting)

– you want the relationship to work

– you’re prepared to do things differently next time around

There are situations where it doesn’t work. For example if you expect your ex to change and you’re not willing to change yourself, the problems that you had before are likely to come back. But it’s your best shot, so for anybody who wants to get back together with an ex, it’s worth trying.

You won’t know unless you try!

When We Say ‘No Contact’…

… we mean it! You don’t call your ex or show up at their apartment … okay, you got that.
But also:

– you don’t call their number just to hear their voicemail.

– you don’t hang around near their workplace to catch a glimpse of them going in or out.

– you don’t ‘just happen to be passing’ their favorite lunch venue.

– you don’t seek out their friends hoping to hear some news.

– you don’t even look at their Facebook page to find out what they’re doing.

Wait until you’re back in contact with them and let them tell you what they’ve been doing – if they want to. That way, you’ll be genuinely surprised and they won’t feel you’ve been spying on them.

What If You HAVE To Have Contact With Your Ex?

In a few cases there might be reasons why some contact between you is necessary. You might have kids and need to arrange access visits. You might have left stuff at your ex’s home and want to fetch it, or the other way around. You might even work together.

In that situation, think what you would do if you REALLY didn’t want any contact with your ex at all. What would you do if this was a person that you never wanted to see or hear from again? Some ideas:

– if you needed to collect stuff from them, you’d either do it when they were not home or have a friend pick it up for you.

– if they wanted things from your place, you wouldn’t be there. You might ask a friend to be there to check they didn’t take all of your furniture. Or, you’d pack up their stuff and leave it with a friend for them to collect, or have UPS deliver it to them.

– if you were arranging access for your kids, you’d do it in the most distant way: again, through a friend or family member, or even through your lawyer if a divorce has started.

– if you work for the same company, you’d just avoid them as much as you can. Take a route to the coffee machine that doesn’t pass by their desk. Use the stairs to avoid meeting in the elevator. Consider looking for another job or applying for a promotion that would take you out of your ex’s work area. You might be able to make a good career move from the situation.

Use your friends and family during this time. Most of those people will be glad to help you – if you just ask!

“It’s Hard!”

Yes it can be hard to face a whole 30 days of not seeing or speaking to your ex – but you CAN do it if you keep telling yourself that it’s the best – in fact, probably the only – way to make your ex want you back.

Think of all the future that you might have together – the years of happiness. You don’t want to throw that away by indulging your impulses now.

It helps if you can see the next steps ahead of you too. If you understand the whole process, you’ll see where this fits in the system and how the no contact rule works to help you get back together.

>> Click here to see all the steps right now and
start getting your ex back
with Text Your Ex Back from the official website <<


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Next post: Get Your Ex Back Coach: Michael Fiore Text Your Ex Back

363 thoughts on “When The No Contact Rule Works With An Ex – And When It Doesn’t

  1. Jack

    Went two weeks of no contact with my ex before they accidentally called which led to us hanging out that day. We organised plans to catch up for a week after and am feeling unsure of whether I should cancel.
    Would it be better to have no contact between then and now and see how it goes or just cancelling my plans and restarting the no contact period?

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      I would cancel, especially if you suggested the catch-up date. If your ex suggested it and sounded like they really wanted to see you, and you’re sure that wasn’t after any hints of yours, then you might go along.

  2. Jenny

    My ex and I have been over for a week. I cut off contact Sunday. He’s been texting me, but I haven’t responded. This morning I woke up to a text asking “New BF yet? I assume.” This seems so ridiculous. I wasn’t the one who ended things. Do I still ignore? I don’t know what to do.

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      It sounds like he’s trying to get a rise out of you. He’s coming close to insulting you, not apologizing and wanting to see you. So yes, I would ignore.

  3. mkc

    me and my ex were together five years and broke up because i told him i didnt feel right having feelings for a coworker. it killed him. We kept seeing eachother after we broke up but then his friend came into town and after he left he wouldnt see me anymore. he cut me off said it hurt to bad for him to see me. which i dont get how that happend over a week? but so then he started to ignore me and then tell me that he just needs time and space. i push and push and he eventually says we wont be getting back together. so i cut off all contact a week goes by i send one text saying im sorry for disrespecting your need for space. he responds back positively. i dont say anything. i go back to no contact. my sister messages him because shes upset by all this i didnt tell her to do this. he messages her like 8 text saying how he cant trust me. but then says he cant trust me right now and if we get back together in the future it will have to be something new? i dont know what to think anymore

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      I would give it more time with no contact. 30 days from when either you or your sister texted him, whichever one was the last. And I’d ask your sister nicely not to get involved, because this needs to be between you two.

  4. Abood

    Hi .. I start no contact rules with my ex since 28/12/2017 I don’t kno if this will work though or not as we were living together in Australia and now we are in different countries but we had plan before the break up to be together and start new life in 2018 , she planed to visit my country before we break up and she send me by email that she will not come and she will cancel her plan for going back to Australia.. I still love her I don’t want to hurt her feeling to much by ignoring her is two weeks enough.. I still want to have space as well but am scare to lose her forever and not seeing her ever I just want stop fighting and make our love brighten and strong please help with this situation as soon as possible thanksss

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      In most cases the ex’s feelings will not be hurt by no contact. Usually they want the space. They may begin to miss you, and that is the ideal situation. You don’t want to prevent that by getting in contact with her before she wants you to. That’s why 30 days of no contact is recommended. But it’s up to you.

  5. Priya

    What if my ex doesnt come back during the 30 day NC? Should i wait for as long as it takes like for a couple of months more? Is it okay to extend the NC period for over 60+ days?

  6. Shannon

    My ex and I broke up in October. Well…we never technically broke up. I saw pictures of him holding a girls hand at a festival, and when I confronted him he blew me off about it. I went into NC, he texted me “hey” and I didn’t answer. Next day he posts a pic with the girl from the festival (they’ve been friends forever, I think he just did it to make me mad but who knows, there might be something between them). I delete him as a friend on all social media after seeing the pic, and he deletes me too. I reached out after 30 days and his response was very positive. We talked for awhile and then conversation died. We didn’t talk about the relationship at all, we were just catching up. I texted him again a couple weeks later, then I noticed he posted another pic of the girl this time kissing his cheek…..so I asked him about it. He just said it was a fun night and they looked good in the pic so he posted it. He said how he loved me and thinks about me but we were long distance and he doesn’t think the timing is right for us. Haven’t talked to him in over a month….don’t really know what to do anymore. His bday is tomorrow, but I don’t feel like being the one nexting him again. Maybe i should just get over it. What do you think?

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      If you did decide to text, I wouldn’t do it for his birthday but send an across the bow text at another time. So that means waiting another week or two. It’s up to you whether you try that or move on. You would probably be back in the same position of being at a distance and not knowing whether something is going on with his long-time friend, but it depends on how you feel.

  7. Brie

    My ex and I split up a year and a half ago, and since then, have been stuck in the same rut of “being friends and seeing how it goes”, but then not actually changing anything.

    last week, we initiated a month long “complete break” to give ourselves the chance to work on our own individual issues before hopefully coming back together.

    I’ve blocked him on Facebook so that we are unable to check up on eachother

    He has said that as of right now, he is done and is happy to move on, and that he is willing to do this 30 day break as a “last chance” for things to go right between us, but that he’s not making any promises or any garantees that he will come back after the 30 days.

    the last time he saw me, he looked me in the eyes and told me he loves me, but I am feeling unsure as to whether I should start trying to move forward, or wait the month and hope he doesn’t walk away 🙁

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      I would stick to whatever you agreed. If there were specified issues you said you would work on, and they are things you want to do for your own sake not just his, then work on those. If you said you wouldn’t see other people, then don’t, but otherwise you are free to try moving on and see if you might be happier that way. For me in that situation the past year and a half would have been horrible and something would need to change either way.

      If he doesn’t want to get back together after the month, then you could try the ‘Text Your Ex Back’ system. But you’ve given him a ton of chances and if he still doesn’t appreciate you enough to commit after this month, I would find the guy who will.

  8. Garima

    I know this guy who is a doctor, from last 7 months. He was so nice and asked me hang out at his place every week. And things were going smooth until this new year. He stopped picking up my call and replying to my texts. He told me that he has some exams from 15th of January. But suddenly he asked me to meet on 5th of Jan but just before that he lied to that he is sick and was in his hometown. After that only I started no contact with him. But I have a feeling that he is in contact with his ex. I know that I will complete 30 day no contact. But not sure that by the time will he miss me or try to contact me as it’s been already 12 days but I haven’t heard from him. I really cried a lot. Please tell me and help me.

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      If he doesn’t contact you after 30 days of no contact you could try an “across the bow” text. You don’t have to wait for him to contact you forever, but also it’s better not to use any emotional pressure. I hope that helps

  9. Julie

    Hi, I started No Contact 7 days ago. We were in a relationship for 4 months and then he told me he just wanted to be friend. Yesterday he called me twice and I didn’t answer. Apparently it pissed him off then he texted me saying that he will never ever call me again forever in his lifetime. What should I do? I love him and I want him back

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      I would ignore it. He is trying to manipulate you. Being “just friends” (or maybe friends with benefits?) is to his advantage, it means he has as much of your time and affection as he wants, while not having to commit.

  10. Liz

    No contact really heals …my ex dumped me after i confronted him about cheating, he acted as if I didn’t have the right to ask and dumps me…am a woman of dignity and no later what happens I never want to see him again..am doing No contact now 2 weeks am doing very fine, he did try to manipulate me with a text but I ignored am moving forward..no looking back

  11. Jessi

    My ex of two years asked for space/ break no contact,just said she had a lot on her mind, so we agreed to space. 3 weeks passed and still hasn’t reached out to contact me what so ever. I tried counting her via text and she would either ignore me all together, or she did say
    “I don’t hate you, but I need space, i don’t want to string you along, so if you decide to move on, I can’t stop you” and this is just what she needs right now.
    I deleted her off ig and Facebook because I couldn’t bare to see what she was doing anymore , it hurt to much and felt as if I was torturing myself. Soon She deleted all our pictures together on ig except the very first one we took together.

    Do I ever try contacting her again, or drop it?

    It sucks I have so much hope, his is killing me so much.

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      You could try contacting her again but I would wait until 30 days have passed since your last contact of any kind, i.e. since your last text. Then I would do an across the bow text which is low pressure.

  12. Nathan

    I moved in with my ex then we broke up.i stayed still at her house though for a week after the break up.in her face pushing her away.i constantly messaged her for the next two weeks.she said I have pushed her away for good as in we are only friends .will the no contact rule help our situation? And how long should it be for

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      Hi Nathan,
      There are never any guarantees but I think the no contact for 30 days is the best thing you can do. Followed by across the bow texts which are low pressure. Hope that helps, Jennie

  13. Daniel

    I’ve been together with my x gf for 3 years. And we had broken up last year at march due for the reason I was not ready to be with her and I must admit yes. but we got back together after 3 weeks she give me another chance and I was showing her that I was changing and want to be with her. But on October she decided to end it as she thinks I am not ready to be with her. Then that’s when I realised where I have gone wrong with our relationship and I started to realised that I love her that much.

    Its been 3 months now since we broke up, during the 2 months I was begging and pleading that I could change for good but it didn’t work and I know it was a wrong thing to do.
    Few weeks ago she sent me a message saying she has not shut the idea of us being together and I need more time to grow and discipline myself.
    Does this mean she is willing to give me another chance? I have started the no contact and it’s been 11 days already.

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      It sounds like she is willing to give you another chance BUT she may be asking you to become someone you are not. It’s fine to work on your issues if you want to change them for yourself, but if you’re doing it only for another person it’s not really you and will likely fall apart at some point. I guess it depends how fundamental are the changes that she’s asking for.

  14. Spudgreg

    Okay this is going to be a long one sorry.

    me and my ex were together for 5 years we broke up 8 days ago I’ve been given no closure as to why. We had a pretty big arguement said things we didn’t mean but it all blew up from virtually nothing. We rarely argue and when we do I’m like a deer in headlights so I panicked and also said a few things I didn’t mean. She’s said she’s done with it and gave no other real reason as to why even still I decided before she hung up that I was sorry for what I said and said a few things to make her feel special and she deserves to be happy because if that’s the last time we talk on the phone I don’t want her remembering us that way. Shes always had hormone problems. She pushes away what makes her happy family, members, friends and plans she’s looked forward to. She’s done this for a long time.

    A day after she left me she deleted me off Facebook. I had chased her in the past to sort things out successfully about 5 months ago (the first date and the next few months after was the most loving we’ve ever been with each other which is saying a lot so the love certainly wasn’t gone and it’s the most we’ve looked forward to the future) this time I decided if I chase her to sort things again when I had done little wrong that I would lose some respect for myself and ultimately respect from her in the long run. I would always be her scapegoat.

    She blames me for not giving her enough attention which I’m guilty of at times but I’m human right im not going to be perfect sometimes us guys need reminding of what’s important. We don’t do enough which is what she always brings up when arguing but we have done more recently. she seems to forget that it’s her who gets anxiety before everything and when she does overtime for money to do stuff or plan for the future her family are always in crisis and need to “borrow” it off her while none of them work themselves so that stresses her out having to get the shopping for her brothers and step dad. It always comes back to me it’s always made it hard to plan for the future and I get the blame for us not doing that. I have also been accused by her as playing victim even though I don’t make much of anything to be honest.

    I decided it’s time for no contact. I sent her 1 letter and a rose to apologise for what I had done wrong not giving her enough attention or love at times and not being thoughtful enough. I also said in that message that I know she needs space so I will give it to her and to reach out for me if she wants to talk.

    I was advised to acknowledge what I’ve done wrong and be supportive before starting no contact but the problem I’m having with that idea is that she is now fully in the drivers seat and it almost feels like she initiated no contact on me rather than the other way round. They also advised me to answer if she rings which isn’t really no contact?

    I get that this no contact has a different purpose since it’s to get her to stop being angry at me and remember the good times. Also so she misses the support I give her if she gets angry about other things. She will soon realise If I’m not there while it continues to happen then how is it my fault. I’m the only reason she has gone anywhere really.

    Im 100% sure there is no other guy she’s overloading herself with work and has been in a terrible place I haven’t been thoughtful enough to her situation since it’s also annoyed me and effected how often we talk the week before we broke up everything was fine between us till then. I know I have made her sound like the devil but 95% of the time she is thoughtful and caring it’s just the other 5% the good has always been worth the bad. Weeks ago I thought this was the woman I would be marrying someday. I know if I have to move on I will regret my mistakes for a long time but she may start to realise her own when looking back and realising that she lost a good guy who loved her for who she is and done plenty of cute things that others wouldn’t do.
    I really want this no contact to work and need some advice really. My wardrobe is full of her stuff and we have a pet together. We are pretty much best friends most of the time. there’s a big whole in my life right now and it hurts but she’s covering her pain with anger. When will she stop seeing red

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      Yes you’re right, if you answer when she calls you, that’s not no contact. That’s leaving her in the driving seat as you say, and letting her have as little or as much contact with you as she wants.

      The idea of this system is more about helping her see that she needs and wants to commit to having a full loving relationship with you. I think there is a good chance you will get back to that, although nobody can ever know for sure, and what you have done so far in giving her space is a good start.


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