When The No Contact Rule Works With An Ex – And When It Doesn’t

Couple Not Talking
If you’ve been looking online for information on how to make an ex want you back, you’ve probably heard of the no contact rule. It says, quite simply, that before you start making any move toward getting back together, you need to go through a period of time when you have no contact with an ex.

For most people, this is not easy to do. You may be wondering if it’s even worth it. Let’s see how the no contact rule works with an ex so you can decide whether it’s likely to be successful for you.

No Contact Rule – How Long?

In Text Your Ex Back, Michael Fiore lays down a 30 day no contact rule to get an ex back. He says this is the best length of time to go without seeing, phoning or texting your ex.

Some online sources suggest waiting even longer. We don’t think that’s necessary, although you can still get back together with an ex after more time. If several months or even years have passed since you had any contact with your ex, you’re in a great position because you can begin the next step without waiting.

But 30 days of no contact is enough in most cases. It’s time for your ex to begin to forget the heat of whatever caused the breakup. If they’ve started seeing someone new, it gives them time to maybe become disillusioned with that new relationship.

It’s also enough time for the pain of the breakup to lose its sharpest edge for you. We don’t mean you’ll get over your ex in that time – likely you’ll still miss them and want to get back together, but you’re not so likely to act emotionally which would probably only drive them further away. You can be cool – and you have to be cool if you want your ex back.

To discover more about how the no contact rule works and exactly how to make an ex want you back, check out Text Your Ex Back here.

Does The No Contact Rule Work?

The no contact rule works in a lot of cases because it gives the space you both need to stop acting on raw emotion and start thinking realistically about how you can reestablish your relationship and build it to be stronger next time around.

There’s a good chance it will work if:

– your ex doesn’t want to see you

– you know you’ve been contacting your ex too much (calling, seeing them, texting)

– you want the relationship to work

– you’re prepared to do things differently next time around

There are situations where it doesn’t work. For example if you expect your ex to change and you’re not willing to change yourself, the problems that you had before are likely to come back. But it’s your best shot, so for anybody who wants to get back together with an ex, it’s worth trying.

You won’t know unless you try!

When We Say ‘No Contact’…

… we mean it! You don’t call your ex or show up at their apartment … okay, you got that.
But also:

– you don’t call their number just to hear their voicemail.

– you don’t hang around near their workplace to catch a glimpse of them going in or out.

– you don’t ‘just happen to be passing’ their favorite lunch venue.

– you don’t seek out their friends hoping to hear some news.

– you don’t even look at their Facebook page to find out what they’re doing.

Wait until you’re back in contact with them and let them tell you what they’ve been doing – if they want to. That way, you’ll be genuinely surprised and they won’t feel you’ve been spying on them.

What If You HAVE To Have Contact With Your Ex?

In a few cases there might be reasons why some contact between you is necessary. You might have kids and need to arrange access visits. You might have left stuff at your ex’s home and want to fetch it, or the other way around. You might even work together.

In that situation, think what you would do if you REALLY didn’t want any contact with your ex at all. What would you do if this was a person that you never wanted to see or hear from again? Some ideas:

– if you needed to collect stuff from them, you’d either do it when they were not home or have a friend pick it up for you.

– if they wanted things from your place, you wouldn’t be there. You might ask a friend to be there to check they didn’t take all of your furniture. Or, you’d pack up their stuff and leave it with a friend for them to collect, or have UPS deliver it to them.

– if you were arranging access for your kids, you’d do it in the most distant way: again, through a friend or family member, or even through your lawyer if a divorce has started.

– if you work for the same company, you’d just avoid them as much as you can. Take a route to the coffee machine that doesn’t pass by their desk. Use the stairs to avoid meeting in the elevator. Consider looking for another job or applying for a promotion that would take you out of your ex’s work area. You might be able to make a good career move from the situation.

Use your friends and family during this time. Most of those people will be glad to help you – if you just ask!

“It’s Hard!”

Yes it can be hard to face a whole 30 days of not seeing or speaking to your ex – but you CAN do it if you keep telling yourself that it’s the best – in fact, probably the only – way to make your ex want you back.

Think of all the future that you might have together – the years of happiness. You don’t want to throw that away by indulging your impulses now.

It helps if you can see the next steps ahead of you too. If you understand the whole process, you’ll see where this fits in the system and how the no contact rule works to help you get back together.

>> Click here to see all the steps right now and
start getting your ex back
with Text Your Ex Back from the official website <<

 

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Next post: Get Your Ex Back Coach: Michael Fiore Text Your Ex Back

480 thoughts on “When The No Contact Rule Works With An Ex – And When It Doesn’t

  1. Adun

    Hi. We met online. He was practically all over me. Obviously so much in love with me. I returned the feeling. I fell in love with him big time. But suddenly some two months after i noticed he was drawing back. Distancing himself. Not saying he love me back when i say it. I brought it up and he apologised and said he hasnt been in a relationship for long and was only sub consciously protecting his freedom and running away from commitment that we should just be friends since he even feel things happened too fast between us. I said ok, we can be friends but i am ready so much to be a lover and friend to him. I still noticed that after that he was still naking excuses and not really available emotionally even as a friend. I decided to not contact him. He sent me a message after 6 days of me not contacting him. He asked how i was doing, my daughter and my job. I replied fine and asked he was doing too. And i am still going on with the no contact rule. Today is day 9. I love him. I want him back but i want him to come for me the way he did initially before he started distancing. Do you think the no contact will work? Thanks.

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      I think you have a good chance. It’s a good sign that he contacted you, and good that you haven’t been begging or putting on any pressure.

      Being friends is only likely to work if you stop being in love with him, frankly. Otherwise it will never be enough for you, and that will probably cause him to pull away. It’s fine if being friends is what you really want, but not if it’s second best for you.

      Reply
      1. Adun

        Thanks so much. I sincerely want more than just being friends, i am in love with him. But i will carry on and not put any pressure at all. I am not in a hurry for anything! I want whatever he wants to genuinely come from him. Thanks!

        Reply
  2. Chris

    I hope it works Adun! If not, it can help you heal!! And just so you know, you’re not alone! I’m in the same position as you. Met Online, going smoothly, I have a daughter too, and he became distant. I’m going to try this too. Either way it’s the best thing to do if the time isn’t right for whatever reason.

    Update us! Either way, lots of love and healing energy to your heart!!

    Reply
  3. Miguel

    I dated my ex for 6 months and we ended breaking up because I was acting like an asshole and I couldn’t make my own choices without others influencing my decisions from what she said but she was kind bossy, cranky at times and she love me too . So We talked and I decided to end it. Now that a month has pass I feel like I miss her more than ever and want to get back with her but only if we both agree to do our part and change for the best of us. I have always been afraid to show my true emotions and when I reach 6 months I end up breaking up with girls but with her I feel different about her and I wish that I would have never broken up with her. Do you think there will be a chance to get back together?

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      Yes, I think there is a good chance, but only if you want this girl back as she is. If you expect her to change in some way to please you, it’s not likely to work (even if you’re willing to also change yourself to please her). This may sound harsh, but one of the biggest reasons for relationships failing is when one partner tries to change the other one.

      People are what they are, and while they may have issues to work through, they need to do that for their own reasons in their own time. Let me put it like this: imagine she will continue to be exactly as she was forever, bossy, cranky, but loving you. Would you be willing to live with the bossiness and crankiness, maybe call her out on it but not fight over it, and still want to be with her?

      If the answer is yes, you can try contacting her, and if I was you I’d start with an across the bow text like in the examples here: http://textyourexbackspy.com/text-your-ex-back-examples/

      If it’s a no, then for the sake of both of you I’d look for someone else and wait until you meet someone you love for what they are, not what they might be. Good luck

      Reply
      1. Miguel

        My answer is yes. The way I feel about her is very different compare to all the girls I have dated. Mostly likely because I actually fell in love but didn’t want to admit it and broke up with her. Should I do the NC rule first and go from there. Thank you go for your reply

        Reply
      2. Miguel

        We broke up about a month ago. I’m not sure if it it matters or not but I texted her a couple of times with no respond. I started the NO Contact rule about a week ago. When do you think would be the right time to text her the across the bow text?

        Reply
  4. Ruben

    My ex and I broke up after 3 months a few days ago and I miss her terribly. Her reason for breaking things off was that there were differences in the both of us and, while she had a lot of feelings for me, didn’t feel secure about it working in the future and she needed to think of what was best. I told her it was fine and I had no issues with the differences but her insecurities got the best of her. As of now I’ve been in no contact 3-4 days and she messaged me yesterday to see if I was okay. I responded I was ok and asked how she was but no response back. My question is this..how long should I go into no contact with her for?

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      I would do 30 days. You last texted her with a question yesterday, so that’s 1 day already (not 3-4). If she contacts you like that again, it’s better not to ask her any questions at all, not even “how are you”, because she may feel that’s pressure or you’re trying to start a conversation. You would answer her question briefly if you want, like you did by saying okay or fine, but don’t ask anything back.

      Hope that helps

      Reply
  5. Nathanielle

    My ex and I broke up last year but our set up is just really confusing few months before. She said to me that she really decided to forget about us in december last year but it didnt end up in that. In fact we still continue to chat after that incident but not until this past days when ive raged my emotion when i saw her picture with other guy. That basically became a turning point for me, coz she said that I must a not get more into his life coz she said she already moved on from me. What should I do now? I really want her back

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      I would do no contact for 30 days in this situation. I know it is very hard thinking of her with someone else, but the best thing you can do for that is not check her social media. You cannot stop her seeing other people even if you wanted to. So I would wait and then after the 30 days send an across the bow text. And hopefully by then she will have started to miss you and regret the breakup.

      Reply
  6. Kyle

    My ex girlfriend and I were together for 2years. A few months ago she begged me to change from being an asshole. I promised but never did. We use to be madly in love and now she tells me she has no more feelings. I tried to fix myself after we broke up and promised to change.. I littered her with gifts and it only made it worse. It’s been 2 days with no contact and my heart is broken..

    Reply
      1. Kyle

        I begged and pleaded for one more chance and it didn’t work so was emotional and told her not to text me anymore angry like which was a mistake..

        Reply
        1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

          I’m sorry to hear about that, but asking her not to text you anymore isn’t so much of a mistake. It will make it easier for you to stay out of contact which is what I’d do in your situation. 30 days of no contact is a challenge for you but it gives her the space she most likely needs to start to want you back.

          Pleading and giving gifts don’t work, as you found out. All of that only feels like unwanted pressure to the other person and makes them want to run a mile. What you need is for her to actually want to see you, and for that it’s best if you separate yourself from her for a while. The way to make it easier on yourself is not even check up on what she’s doing, so don’t look at her social media, don’t talk to her friends and such.

          In fact, talking to her friends or hanging out in places where you might see her counts as having contact because she will surely hear about it and feel pressure – maybe even feel you are stalking her. That is absolutely the last thing you want her to be thinking!

          So I would leave things as they are and not text again, even if you feel bad about sounding angry. It is fine and best to let it go — unless maybe if you sent a death threat or something seriously scary like that, you might want to let her know you didn’t mean it. Otherwise, apology is not necessary and likely to feel like more pleading from her point of view.

          Reply
  7. Ester

    Hello, hope you’re doing well 🙂 First of all, thank you for this article!

    My story goes like this: I met this guy three years ago during an internship abroad. We were good friends but we both had partners. After a year (in 2016) he came to visit me at my place, which is quite difficult to reach (I live in a small town in Spain and he’s from France) and we started a relationship. We were long distance during 4-5 months and then I moved to France (not with him).

    I’ll fast-forward to February this year. We had been having some troubles because he had done a semester as erasmus student and he hadn’t been treating me the way I deserved but we worked it through. However, one month and a half ago he told me that he would need to break up with me when I would leave France (a bit more than a week ago now) We talked about it and he told me that he had never been so in love with me but that he didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life and he didn’t want to “block” me. So, since he didn’t know how long this would take him, he decided to break up and I accepted it. This past month has been amazing. He’s been more lovely, passionate, caring… than ever! He even started talking about marriage! But the plan of breaking up was still in place.

    Almost two weeks ago I left France and therefore, our relationship ended. The goodbye was very sad. He told me I was his soulmate, he truly loves me, he won’t forget me and he will come back one day. These two weeks he has been contacting me everyday with the most stupid excuses until I told him that it would be better for both of us to stop speaking. Yesterday, we had a Skype call and he told me everything all over: he misses me, he loves me, I’m the one and one day we will get married (but he still needs time alone) Today has been our first no contact day. I believe he was honest when telling me all those things but I’d like to do 30 days of no contact. The problem is that it’s his birthday the 27th May (before the 30 days are over) and he made me promise I would text him. What do you think? Should I do strict no contact during 30 days or can I break it for his birthday? Thanks in advance!

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      It sounds to me like he wants to hold all the cards here. He wants to break up but he also wants to make sure you will wait around for him (all the talk about being soulmates, marriage one day, and such … so you won’t be tempted to move on to someone else). He doesn’t want to commit to you, but he wants you to commit to him. He loves you most when you’re about to leave. Making you promise to text him on his birthday fits right in with this.

      But you promised. So what do you do? It’s a good question. If you text him, you’ll show him you are still there waiting, ready for the day when he will want to commit to you. He doesn’t have to hurry that day up. But if you don’t contact him for his birthday like you promised, it’s kind of game-playing that he may see through. If I were you, I think I would do something, but not exactly what he asked. He asked you to text, so instead you might mail him a card, or post a happy birthday sticker on his Facebook (the kind you might send to a friend in either case). But don’t text. That way he’s not controlling you so much.

      You should then start the 30 days over. I know that’s not what you want to hear because May 27th would have been right near the end. But in fact you may hear from him around then anyway, and I think you’ll see that either he is ready to commit or it’s time to start another 30 days of no contact.

      Reply
      1. Ester

        Thank you very much for your advice! I started no contact and after four days he contacted me, called me “my love”, and said “I love you” before going to sleep. The day after he contacted me again and told me he missed me and that he couldn’t build his life without me but he didn’t say he wanted to get back together. After that he didn’t contact me again and (I know it was a mistake) I asked him if he was trying to to do no contact again. He said that he was trying but it was hard. I didnt answer, I just accepted it. Today, I’ve seen that he has blocked me on WhatsApp. I’ve checked and he hadn’t blocked me on Facebook so Ive asked him why. He has replied saying that he has done it so that he doesn’t have the temptation to text me because he’s immerse in his decision making at the moment. He then proceeded to block me on Facebook (messenger, we’re still friends) and unfollowed me on Instagram after telling me that he doesn’t want to contact me before he has advanced on his decision… I’m a bit confused due to his “I can’t build my life without you” message and this blocking thing now. What do you think?? Thank you very much again!

        Reply
        1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

          This still sounds like what I said in my first paragraph before – he wants to keep you waiting around by telling you that he needs you, just not right now.

          It sounds like you’ve been contacting him a lot – and not just replying to his messages but asking other questions too. So if you want to do no contact you need to start over. It is a pity that he blocked you because now he might not know you haven’t tried to contact him. But it’s no big deal. The big deal is that you’ll have to be stronger if you want this no contact thing to work.

          Keep in mind that if you reply every time he contacts you, the message you’re sending is “Yes I will be here whenever you want, so you can stay away as long as you like.”

          Reply
          1. Ester

            Yes, you’re right. At the beginning I was just answering his questions but when he said that he couldn’t build his life without me I got excited. I thought he had realised that he needed me and he wanted me back. And so I started talking a lot again… I know I made a big mistake but what’s done is done.

            Thank you for your advice! Right now I feel scared that I won’t hear from him again but well, maybe it’s for the best.

  8. Carrie

    The man I was seeing called things off last week after a month of dating. We both kind of jumped in feet first. For me personally, I completely let my guard down (which I NEVER do) and just let the journey take me where it was going to take me. He is an AMAZING man, seriously the best man I’ve ever dated. We saw each other a lot and talked constantly. I started to develop real feelings for him (too soon probably) but then he called it off. He said the fact that I am no longer religious and he is was a problem for him. He said he still really cared for me and he’s not sure it’s even the right decision, but he had to back off. I’m crushed, but I understand. Thing is, I’m willing to be open and to going back to that part of myself, heck… I was raised in religion. I’m just sad that something that was going SO well was ended before it really began. Help! I feel 30 days is too long in my case since we only were seeing each other a month, but you’re the expert. What do I do? Will anything help?

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      I wouldn’t take a lot of notice of the specific reason that he gave. People will often say something like that because it’s an easy answer to the question “Why?” But it doesn’t mean he would come back if you took up your religion again.

      I’d do 30 days even though you weren’t together very long. That’s not the point, it’s about having time apart to give the other person a chance to miss you. That takes a while in most cases. And if it does happen in less than 30 days, he’ll get in touch with you and tell you.

      Reply
  9. J

    Hi there,

    My story is as follows: We broke up a little over a week ago. Before that we had been together for 2.5 years. About a month ago we had a falling out and he told me he didn’t feel like he could be in a relationship at this time in his life. I had met him only a few months after his previous long term relationship and he believes he met “the right girl at the wrong time.” He told me he felt that he was not being the best boyfriend that he could be and that it hurts him to feel this way and it hurts him that he can not give me 100% when he knows I’ve given him 110%. he told me numerous times that he doesn’t deserve me and that I’m perfect in every way and none of this is my fault. I’ve always knew that he was not fond of commitment and I never pushed him in anyway to commit to me. I think he just got frustrated with himself in not making me completely happy. And that he feels like he hasn’t accomplished enough in his life at this point (approaching 27 years old) and doesn’t want to feel like a relationship is holding him back. The break up was not ugly or angry. It was overall just very sad and he said numerous times to call him whenever I needed to. And that he will never NOT answer me. He told me that this is what needs to happen right now and this is best for us and that I will be just fine. He said this was nothing about other girls and that “I’d probably be in another relationship before he even starts to date again.” He told me I have and always will hold a special place in his heart and that I still mean the world to him. We had a great relationship. Never really fought, never took breaks or went a long time with out talking. The break up happened late night after going out with our friends. I called him the next morning to make sure this is what he really wanted to do and he said it was. And he again reminded me that I could call at any time if I need help and that this was the best thing for us. Since then, it’s been a week. I have not contacted him at all but I keep hoping and praying that he will realize the value I brought to his life and that he will reach out. I told myself that I would complete this 30 days of no contact but that brings me to right before his birthday and I am unsure where to go from here. Do I text him if I haven’t heard from him after 30 days? I really do hope that he realizes this was a huge mistake but I’m scared this will only happen years from now. He even admitted that we were perfect together. Just the timing wasn’t right.

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      Yes, I would do the 30 days of no contact and then send an across the bow text- examples here: http://textyourexbackspy.com/text-your-ex-back-examples/

      The text could be something related to his birthday. Be careful not to include any questions (not even “how are you?”) because you are not asking for anything at all in this text – not any kind of reply. Just reminding him that you exist and letting him know you haven’t totally forgotten him.

      Reply
      1. J

        How am I hoping he responds to this?
        Also- do you think ,given the circumstances, that he will end up reaching out to me during 30 days of NC?

        Reply
        1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

          You would hope that after an across the bow text (or maybe after more than one, but spaced apart in time) he would call you and want to meet up. But keep in mind this is likely to take some time.

          I can’t say if he will reach out sooner than 30 days, but don’t be waiting and hoping for that. It’s better to concentrate on doing some interesting stuff both for your own sanity and so that you have new things to talk about (and not the relationship) at whatever future time you do talk again.

          Hope that helps. Jennie

          Reply
          1. J

            Okay so I should not initiate meeting up at all after the 30 days? Just over time (long period of time I’m guessing..) send the across the bow texts and if he initiates a meet up then go from there?

          2. J

            Update: He did end up calling me after 2 weeks of NC. I missed the call and told him I’d call back later that evening. The chat wasn’t about getting back together though or regretting his decision. He wanted to check-in that I was okay and very much want to let me know that he still cares a lot about me and is having a hard time during this break up as well. He expressed numerous times that he wanted us to be able to remain in contact if I ever needed to talk because he “doesn’t see a life with us not in communication.” He said he was not looking to date anyone else because he already found the perfect girl (me) but the timing still isn’t right for him right now. I expressed to him that this is going to end up being unrealistic because I won’t be waiting around and will eventually move on. He was a bit everywhere but the conversation ended well. I think he is probably expecting me to “be more comfortable” now to reach out to him. But I’m going to stick to my plan and finish the 30 days until I reach out to him.

            Any advice?

          3. Jennie Hernandez Post author

            It’s not no contact if you’re returning his calls. But it sounds like you have a plan 🙂

  10. Sindi

    Hi,

    About a month ago my ex broke things off, saying that he cant deal with me disrespecting him even thou he still loves me. I pleaded with him but he said no. We have been together for about 3 months. We were happy together, except 1 or 2 arguments regarding the same respect issue. I tried the no contact rule but after 2 weeks I texted him and he replied and asked that I dont text him anymore bcos he has moved on. Again I pleaded with him but he still said no. I love him and I want him back. He is a wonderful man nd the most decent I have been with in a while. I am not coping without him and him moving on is unbearable. Would the no contact rule still work? And how do I ensure that I dont fail again? And its his birthday in 20 days, do I say something or no contact?

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      In my opinion the no contact rule is the best chance you have. That doesn’t mean it’s guaranteed to work. But in this situation where he has asked you not to text him, I would definitely stay out of contact for the full 30 days. Including not contacting him on his birthday.

      If you need help with sticking to this, keep in mind that he wants you to respect him and that has to include respecting his request that you don’t text him anymore, right? Also, pleading never works, it only drives the person farther away.

      After the 30 days the usual next step is an across the bow text. This is a very low-pressure text that doesn’t ask any questions or sound like it expects a reply. It basically just reminds the person that you exist and lets him know you still think of him sometimes.

      But with NO pressure. Since he asked you not to text him, you might want to think of another way to do this. It might be a message sent in a different way. But it shouldn’t involve talking to him on the phone or meeting with him, even “accidentally”, because all of that is likely to be too much, pushing him away again. The idea is that you give him space for the 30 days and then gently and casually remind him of the good times that you had. But no questions, no neediness, no pressure to meet.

      Reply
      1. Sindi

        But what if he contacts me? Do I reply or ignore him? He has sent 2 texts since he asked that I dont text him nd I am tempted to reply!

        Reply
        1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

          It’s up to you. Did he ask a question that you need to reply to?
          If you do reply and you still want to do no contact, you would need to start counting the days over from when you reply.
          Also, I wouldn’t do anything to prolong the contact. So if you reply, keep it short, and don’t ask him any questions, or make any suggestion to meet, or say anything that shows you expect him to text you again.

          Reply
          1. Sindi

            Hi,

            He basically said Hello 2 days ago but I did not reply and today he just said happy mothers day.
            I think I will reply nd say thank u and leave it there.

  11. LH

    Me and my ex dated for five months. I had trust issues from my past relationship and let my thoughts take over. I always accused him of doing something and always questioned him. He got tired of it eventually and broke up with me. He says he wants me to work on myself and him work on himself… he also feels like I’m too clingy. He said he hopes I work on myself and learn how to trust. What if the no contact makes him move on completely rather than miss me?

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      There are no guarantees, but if he feels like you’re too clingy, keeping on contacting him is more likely to push him away than not contacting him, IMO.

      Reply
        1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

          Yes. IF you know that you have trust issues, it’s probably a good idea to work on that, too. But do that for yourself, not just for him.

          Reply

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