When The No Contact Rule Works With An Ex – And When It Doesn’t

Couple Not Talking
If you’ve been looking online for information on how to make an ex want you back, you’ve probably heard of the no contact rule. It says, quite simply, that before you start making any move toward getting back together, you need to go through a period of time when you have no contact with an ex.

For most people, this is not easy to do. You may be wondering if it’s even worth it. Let’s see how the no contact rule works with an ex so you can decide whether it’s likely to be successful for you.

No Contact Rule – How Long?

In Text Your Ex Back, Michael Fiore lays down a 30 day no contact rule to get an ex back. He says this is the best length of time to go without seeing, phoning or texting your ex.

Some online sources suggest waiting even longer. We don’t think that’s necessary, although you can still get back together with an ex after more time. If several months or even years have passed since you had any contact with your ex, you’re in a great position because you can begin the next step without waiting.

But 30 days of no contact is enough in most cases. It’s time for your ex to begin to forget the heat of whatever caused the breakup. If they’ve started seeing someone new, it gives them time to maybe become disillusioned with that new relationship.

It’s also enough time for the pain of the breakup to lose its sharpest edge for you. We don’t mean you’ll get over your ex in that time – likely you’ll still miss them and want to get back together, but you’re not so likely to act emotionally which would probably only drive them further away. You can be cool – and you have to be cool if you want your ex back.

To discover more about how the no contact rule works and exactly how to make an ex want you back, check out Text Your Ex Back here.

Does The No Contact Rule Work?

The no contact rule works in a lot of cases because it gives the space you both need to stop acting on raw emotion and start thinking realistically about how you can reestablish your relationship and build it to be stronger next time around.

There’s a good chance it will work if:

– your ex doesn’t want to see you

– you know you’ve been contacting your ex too much (calling, seeing them, texting)

– you want the relationship to work

– you’re prepared to do things differently next time around

There are situations where it doesn’t work. For example if you expect your ex to change and you’re not willing to change yourself, the problems that you had before are likely to come back. But it’s your best shot, so for anybody who wants to get back together with an ex, it’s worth trying.

You won’t know unless you try!

When We Say ‘No Contact’…

… we mean it! You don’t call your ex or show up at their apartment … okay, you got that.
But also:

– you don’t call their number just to hear their voicemail.

– you don’t hang around near their workplace to catch a glimpse of them going in or out.

– you don’t ‘just happen to be passing’ their favorite lunch venue.

– you don’t seek out their friends hoping to hear some news.

– you don’t even look at their Facebook page to find out what they’re doing.

Wait until you’re back in contact with them and let them tell you what they’ve been doing – if they want to. That way, you’ll be genuinely surprised and they won’t feel you’ve been spying on them.

What If You HAVE To Have Contact With Your Ex?

In a few cases there might be reasons why some contact between you is necessary. You might have kids and need to arrange access visits. You might have left stuff at your ex’s home and want to fetch it, or the other way around. You might even work together.

In that situation, think what you would do if you REALLY didn’t want any contact with your ex at all. What would you do if this was a person that you never wanted to see or hear from again? Some ideas:

– if you needed to collect stuff from them, you’d either do it when they were not home or have a friend pick it up for you.

– if they wanted things from your place, you wouldn’t be there. You might ask a friend to be there to check they didn’t take all of your furniture. Or, you’d pack up their stuff and leave it with a friend for them to collect, or have UPS deliver it to them.

– if you were arranging access for your kids, you’d do it in the most distant way: again, through a friend or family member, or even through your lawyer if a divorce has started.

– if you work for the same company, you’d just avoid them as much as you can. Take a route to the coffee machine that doesn’t pass by their desk. Use the stairs to avoid meeting in the elevator. Consider looking for another job or applying for a promotion that would take you out of your ex’s work area. You might be able to make a good career move from the situation.

Use your friends and family during this time. Most of those people will be glad to help you – if you just ask!

“It’s Hard!”

Yes it can be hard to face a whole 30 days of not seeing or speaking to your ex – but you CAN do it if you keep telling yourself that it’s the best – in fact, probably the only – way to make your ex want you back.

Think of all the future that you might have together – the years of happiness. You don’t want to throw that away by indulging your impulses now.

It helps if you can see the next steps ahead of you too. If you understand the whole process, you’ll see where this fits in the system and how the no contact rule works to help you get back together.

>> Click here to see all the steps right now and
start getting your ex back
with Text Your Ex Back from the official website <<


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Next post: Get Your Ex Back Coach: Michael Fiore Text Your Ex Back

323 thoughts on “When The No Contact Rule Works With An Ex – And When It Doesn’t

  1. Anne

    So this is a very complex breakup/NC too me. I really feel hopeless at times. My ex and I broke up 2 weeks ago. He said that he didn’t want a relationship he wanted me in his life but he didn’t want a relationship anymore. We were together for 10months and I fell in love with him. He’s very damaged inside I knew this in the beginning as I am also a damaged person but we were so good with one another, it was the feeling of wow I can be my complete self &my heart had that feeling of when you know that this is the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with this person. Well. He broke up with me and I cried begged pleaded all of it, &she was set on not making it work together, not growing together. I’ve been doing NC for 11 days now but his mom loves me like truly loves me and always wants me to spend time with her, so immediately after our breakup like (the next day) I had to stay with her for a week while my apt was having Reno done. So I feel like that sort of defeated NC bc she knows how bad I’m doing and if he knows how sad I am he will continue to feel guilty and bad inside which I don’t want, also we have mutual friends which also can tell him what’s going on in my life. This really hurts bc Im more than willing to do NC in order to get him back but is it even possible in my situation? I really feel like it’s sort of hopeless and it crushes me inside. Advice?

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      Sorry you’re feeling so sad. Yes, the time you spent with his mother would not count for NC. If you continue seeing her, you’ll need to try to be upbeat and not talk about him. Regarding the mutual friends, you could ask them not to tell him anything about you. And of course, not to tell you about him. But frankly, I would try to see more of your own friends who don’t know him so well at this time, and less of his friends and family.

      Most friends take one side or the other in a breakup, at least in the first weeks. A rule of thumb is that if they’re mainly his friends, they won’t contact you now. If they’re your friends, they will.

      I would do the 30 days of no contact and then start the next steps. In the meantime, whatever happens, the fact that you’ve been able to have one relationship where you could be your complete self is wonderful, and the truth is that you can build from there either with or without him. Although I know that’s not much comfort now, and I hope you’ll get him back.

    2. basma

      MY PROBLEM IS COMMON WITH YOU, I also see it is sort of hopeless to get him back, but I also think from otherwise, it will good for us, at least we can save our value and do not lose it … its so hard for me , but sometimes I have little hope he can change his disicsion

  2. T

    Hello. My ex just moved out from my home. We have been together for 2 years. We had a very good relationship- best relationship he ever had, he said. when he broke up with me he said that this relashionship can not last forever like this and that we need either to get married or to end it. That he was thinking about proposing me, but he said that he has nothing to offer me once we are merried ( no stable job). This was the obstacle and he just can’t make the next step. He really loves me and he is suffering right now, because he left. I told him that I’m very angry at him that he didn’t choose the other option ( to propose me ) and he said the he is angry at himself as well, but he needs to live with that option from now on. How should I apply the NC rule?
    He has his own business which is not good at the moment. He said that it might take years to fix it and since I’m 34 he doesn’t want to waste my time. Btw – he did the same last year before moving to my house. He was afraid of that commitment. He broke with me and I made NC rule which obviously worked. In this case should I do the same? It will be so obvious…. I really want him back. Our love is mutual and I blame his depression for the choice he made.

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      Yes, I would do the same again. He’ll probably just think it’s what you do in this situation, i.e. part of your personality, rather than a tactic. That is unless you told him, after last time, that you did NC to try to get him back.

      Something to think about however – if leaving is his go-to “solution” for issues, what will happen after you are married? What if you want children? Seems to me likely the same thing will happen again – possibly leaving you when you’re pregnant or with a newborn baby. So when you do get back together, I’d suggest you try to have him go for some counseling that will help him embrace challenges instead of running away from them.

      1. T

        Hi Jennie, thank you very much for your reply! You are right about the second part, and I’m aware that a serious conversation should follow once he is back. I just want him back….. I am afraid that this time, he will try to go trough his hard time and healing process and never want me back again, because he believes this is the right way…. he wrote me yesterday a long message, telling me that he loves me and he is suffering, having a panic attack that he lost the one thing that was good in his life, however he didn’t mentioned anything about coming back ( I’m sure it’s because only 3 days have passed ). Oh, I didn’t reply to his message 🙂

  3. Percy

    Hey i have a pretty difficult situation here and my question is if the no contact rule is applicable in my situation.
    So i basacally broke up with my ex gf 2 years ago.We were 2 months together after knowing eaxh other for a year.
    Anyway i broke up with her not because i didnt love her but because of things she did in the past which were very hard for me to accept.After our breakup she became very depressed and tried much time to convince me to get back together and i was always there for her in these times because i still loved and cared about her.We were seeing each other much times even after our breakup when she was depressed and somdtimes we even kissed and i felt guilty on one side but at the same time i loved her.anyway we stayed in contact throughout all this time and six moths ago i felt that shes getting over the breakup and was happy for her in the beginning.but as time went by and we saw each other less i was beginning to miss her while shes already over me.4 months ago was the last time we met in person and i saw that shes really completely over me then it was me chasing her and from that time till last week she always said that she doesnt want to get back with unless i find a solution that well always be together.anyway i did all the chasing for the last few months and she didnt show any interest.last week i finnaly told her that if she comes back to me it will be for always and she didnt want it anymore.she said shes happy now so i did the mistake of begging and pleading for 2 days and she told me:before i was praying for u to say what your saying now,but now it doesnt mean anything to me.she blocked me after arguing then i sent her im sorry i dont wanna end everthing in a fight the following day she sent me a messages saying i unblocked you to which i responded nutrally `ok:)’the following day she sent a message if everthings ok and again i answered nutrally everythings perfect to which she responded `ah ok haha’
    Now my question is if the nc rule is applicable here or is it simply too late because ive already gradually faded away from her life?i would be very thankful if someone could read evereything and advise me

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      It’s worth trying if you really want her back. She may be wanting to see if you are serious. She might be afraid you’re only after the physical side. Take it slowly, stick around, try not to be too emotional or physical when you first see her again, and don’t be asking for the world. If I were you I’d do the no contact and then get in touch again in a casual, friendly way, slowly working up to dates.

      1. Percy

        Thanks for the fast reply jennie
        As i know her she’s simply over it yes it took her a long time but i think that once a girl completely gets over her ex then its impossible to get her back,especially after the things she said like when she said shell do everthing in her power to make me forget about her just like i did with her.
        The thing is i dont think the NC rule will work because she wont get any shock from it as we dont speak often anyways and our contact has already faded gradually in 2 years.
        If you see the chances are very slim id rather let it go now then chase after someone who will eventually go with another guy.
        Please let me know what you as a woman thinks about it and what do you recommend?
        Thanks in advance i appreciate it

        1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

          You wouldn’t so much be chasing after her with this system, but more inviting her to come back to you, by making contact gradually in a way that reminds her of the good times you once had. The time that has passed isn’t so important. I think it could be done after 10 years or 20 or whatever, although in that case you wouldn’t need to do the no contact first because it would already be more than done. But that isn’t your situation because you have been trying to get back together already.

          I don’t think the chances are so slim, but I don’t know her and you do. You need to go with what you feel. Using this system would mean a few months of not dating any other girls, so you might choose to let it go and look for someone else. Maybe that would bring you more happiness in the long term – who knows?

          What I’d do if I were you is do the no contact and see how you feel in 30 days. Maybe you’ll decide to let it go. Maybe you’ll have met someone else in that time. But if you still feel you want to get back with this girl after the 30 days, you would start with the next step which is across the bow texts.

  4. Callum

    I was with my girlfriend for nearly 2 years. We were happy together, never had any real arguments. then out of the blue I received a text saying over the last couple of months she has had doubts about our relationship and has realised I am not the one for her. I asked her why and she said she now sees me more of a best friend and not a romantic partner and that she has fell out of love. Since then I have not contacted her, but she messaged my friend saying she does miss me, but knows that she made the right decision and will not contact me so we can have a clean break.

    It has been 10 days of no contact now. Would you continue? Or think she really has fallen out of love and i’m wasting my time?

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      Yes I would continue. The aim of this plan is to make her fall back in love by thinking about the good times you had in the earlier days, instead of whatever she has been feeling lately.

      IMO falling in and out of love is overrated 🙂 when people are together for a long time, they almost always stop being “in love” in that heady, ecstatic way. A couple can go on loving each other very much and wanting to stay together without that. Most marriages change from one kind of love to another, if they last. But there are still ways to put the “spark” back in so that you keep surprising and attracting each other.

        1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

          Callum, I edited out your text because I thought it would make you identifiable … on the very slim chance that your ex might stumble on this website! But thanks for sending it. It doesn’t change what I would say.

  5. Percy

    Hi Jennie
    Ive already began the NC phase for almost a week now i feel much better actually not depressed at all but still have the hope of one day getting back together i dont know how to explain it.
    So lets say shell text me(in the next 30 days) somthing like are you ok or somthing like all good?should i reply in a friendly way so she sees im doing fine,or not reply at all.
    Thanks 🙂

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      You wouldn’t reply unless it’s a practical question that really needs an answer, like sometimes people have arrangements to make about access to kids or something like that.

  6. Candy

    This no contact rule made things worst. Now my ex is treating me same way. He is angry that I was ignoring him. This totally backfired

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      But he’s the one who broke up with you, right? So what right does he have to be angry if you get on with your life? Did he expect you still to be running every time he called, even though he’d broken up with you? If that’s the case, it’s good that he’s learning different. This is a plan for the long term. You don’t try to go right back to being together the moment the 30 days is over.

  7. Billy

    Hi, me and my ex broke up after almost 10 years together, I’m 38 she is 33, things haven’t been great for about a year due to her hobby taking up a lot of her time, leaving little time for us, I became moany at this and that caused her to not want to spend time with me which in turn made me more moody which resulted in her backing off further until we I broke it off, I regretted it after a few days and tried light contact asking to try and work things out.. she said she doesn’t think we can, I kept trying light contact to which she would sometimes reply but mostly ignore, after 4 weeks she said she won’t talk to me cos I won’t back off and keep trying to get back together which she doesn’t want, I asked to collect my belongings and she agreed for me to collect them one day she was away, when I went to collect them, she hadn’t left them out, I’ve been in full NC for 2 weeks apart from a couple, of snapchat stories a few days ago which she looked at almost immediately… do we have any chance of getting back together

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      I think you have a chance but the Snapchat counts as contact. I would start over, counting day 1 of no contact from the day after you sent those stories. And take her off the list of friends who see those, if you do any more.

      In your case doing the no contact is very important because she’s specifically wanting you to back off. At the end of the 30 days you’ll need to be careful what you do next, too. Across the bow texts comes next and in your case I’d leave some time between each one.

  8. Eddie

    Hi, my ex and I broke up on the 4th of this month. She said she didn’t find me attractive anymore. Like the most she could do is kiss me, hold my hand and hug. Plus she didnt feel the same way about me as I felt for her. She felt like that for 6 months. On and off, she would be happy to be with me and she wouldn’t be. She did say she cares deeply about me but is not in love with me. After about 5 days, I broke NC and asked her if we could talk. She said she doesnt mind talking when we both have time. We ended things nicely, no yelling or anything. I haven’t begged to her at all. Started texting her again last Thursday. its been a week now. We text each other about our day and things like that. Like nothing ever happened. I still message her good morning and good night. and she responds with the same. The other night I asked her if we would see each other again. She said she didnt plan on it because it would be weird. I reminded her that we didnt end it on bad terms. Then she said maybe a long time from now when she feels less weird about it. So today was the first time I didnt message her good morning. I was planning on going NC again. but Im having second thoughts because of how well things are going. If anyone can give me input I would appreciate it. I feel anxious not talking to her. Plus I’ve been going to the gym to look and feel better. I would really want her back.

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      It sounds to me like things are going well if you want a friendship with her. But she’s not likely to switch back to finding you attractive while you are so available as a friend, in my opinion. When she says “maybe a long time from now when she feels less weird about it”, that sounds to me like a polite and friendly way of asking for space.

      Also, if you continue like this, you will very likely start pressuring her to have a relationship again, as you have already done. It may not seem to you like pressure, but just the question will almost certainly feel like pressure to her. Then she is less and less likely to want to even be friends.

      Bottom line, I think you risk driving her away with your multiple daily texts. Going NC again would be what I would do.

      1. Eddie

        Thank you for your input. I also asked her if she still likes talking to me and she said yes. We used to text everyday while we were together. We were together for 1 and a half years. We still are friends on Facebook. She hasn’t deleted me. I will try NC again to see if things have cooled off a month later.

  9. Christina

    Hi Jennie,

    Thanks for your post. Question about my situation.

    Ex broke up with me recently – I took it really hard and pleaded to not break up. It’s been 2 weeks of no contact. Deleted ex of social media.

    To give you some context we dated for 1/2 a year. Things were getting serious and ex panicked. Ex was going back and forth on our differences and how it won’t work and ex’s commitment issues/worries. This back and forth went on for a few weeks before the official end on the basis of the differences.

    It’s been 2 weeks of no contact and I’m curious to know if ex will reappear at some point.

    Thank you!

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      It’s not about hoping they will come back. It’s more active than that. The idea is that you will slowly begin to initiate contact again in specific steps.

      1. Christina

        But isn’t reinitiating contact with an ex just another way of pleading and feeding to their ego. I guess I’m just wondering if the ex really cares and if it’s genuinely suppose to work they will come back. At this point I feel like I’ve done all that I can.

        Would contact reinitiation even work with an ex who has made their decision and is trying to move on real quick?

        I don’t want to chase anyone and I know that effort should work both ways..

        1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

          There’s definitely no pleading involved. Whether it feeds their ego I guess depends on the person.

          The system isn’t a magic spell to make them come back. You might find they will contact you just to see what’s happening, because you went quiet on them, but it doesn’t mean they’ll want to get back together. It could be just a friendly contact. It takes more than that to make them remember the good times and want the relationship again, in most cases.

          If you’d rather work on letting go and moving on, then that’s great. I hope you’ll find someone more ready to commit and one day you’ll look back and be glad this breakup happened … impossible as that might seem right now.

  10. Carlos

    I lived with my girlfriend for 7 months, than I got a scholarship to study abroad. We are in a long distance relationship for 6 months. But then, last week, when I was feeling really alone and stressed, I told her that she was not giving me attention anymore, and sometimes it was like she didn’t like me anymore. Then, I asked to take a break. She did agree with it, but then the other day I said sorry and I told her I didn’t want a break, I loved her and I wanted to keep our love. We talked during the whole day, but then in the next day, she told me it was better to end our relationship because maybe she didn’t have the same feelings for me anymore and She broke up with me. I sent a message for her two days ago saying that I was missing her and I wanted to be part of her life again, but she didn’t reply it. The brake up was 8 days ago and my last message to her 2 days ago. What should I do now? I love her, we never had a fight before, we were great friends and support each other in everything. What should I do now? Please, help me.

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      Carlos, I would try the 30 days of no contact in your situation. She is the one who has broken up with you now. It doesn’t matter that you suggested a break first. So if your last message to her was 2 days ago, you would have another 28 days and then you would send her an “across the bow” text.

  11. MEGHAN

    Hi, my ex and I broke up about 2 months ago, we were together for almost 3 Years. For the first month of our breakup, we continued communicating on a daily basis. About a month into the break up we started talking about getting back together. All of a sudden after a week of trying to work things out, my ex called it off again and said things weren’t going to work out. He said he thinks he would be happier without me. We continued communication up until I started NC 4 days ago. I told him that if he wanted me out of his life completely I’d leave, and he said yes so that is when I started NC. Keep in mind we have broken up in the past. About a year ago. And I used The NC rule and he came back to me that time. I’m really worried that this time he will be done with me for sure and not message me or anything. I’m wondering what the likelihood of him coming back another time or not. And if I should continue this or just give up for good.

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      You might as well continue with it but at the same time, if you meet someone else or start thinking you want to move on, do that. The great thing about no contact is that it doesn’t commit you to anything.

      If he doesn’t message you after the 30 days, there are other steps in the system you can take.

      If and when you do get back together, since you had a major breakup before, you may want some help with figuring out what are the issues causing this, from a real life counselor. You could start this by yourself now, or ask if he wants to go with you later.

  12. Marta

    Dear Jennie,

    Im not sure if No Contact rule applies to my case. I broke up w a guy Ive been seeing for 3 months. We fell in love things were amazing, we made plans to spend a weekend together and then he flaked – he said he forgot ab that. I was pissed but didnt show, Instead I told him I like u byt I dont see a reason to see each other any more, I know it was a huuuge shock for him, and hes not the type of guy to show any emotions or weeknes, he tried to apologize for a week, I was ignoring him or just replying nicely Im sorry but theres really nothing I can say, I guess I was expecting some grand gesture, there was a bit manipulation in that and I shouldnt have done it, finally we met spent a great evening together after which ge kissed me on a cheek and only after I got into a cab he sent ‚Im sorry dont be mad anymore’ text. It pissed me off so much that he couldnt just speak when we saw each other I had couple drinks and called him that night.. dont even remember what I was saying but I did tell him I felt sth for him and his behaviour is mysteriois for me and he should let me know wtf he wants, he asked to speak the next day but didnt call.. within next 2-3 wks we tried meeting up but twice he canceled twice i canceled (i guess just a power play) so he stopped texting altogether. He had his bday the day we were supposed to meet so I left him a gift at his bar and sent a friendly text that I ordered it back in our ‚rainbow days’ it was made for him blah blah, its been a week, he still hadnt pick it up (or didnt address it) but now hes texting me (friendly) one text a day, last night he was texting 5am feom a party sending some videos, Im totally confused, Im scared If I Ignore him (which is what Caused us to brake up initially and him pulling away completely) it will really be over. Pls help. Thank you.

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      Yes, this is different because you ended it, not him. He may be trying something like the no contact rule on you. If you do it too, you can expect a long break from each other, which might be good or might not.

      It sounds to me like neither of you have been very open because you are both afraid of getting hurt. However, as you found out, we all get hurt sometimes anyways. There is no way to avoid it.

      Maybe you can suggest to him that you start over with a date and see how things go. Quit the game playing and see if he will do the same. But if he keeps on canceling and not showing after another week or two, I would move on.

  13. Percy

    Hey Jennie,I posted here 3 weeks ago i hope you can still remember my situation.
    So it has been 3 weeks since our last contact and yesterday she sent me a text saying i have to tell you something very important.If it was a normal text like hi or how are you doing i wouldnt have responded but me panicking about maybe she wants to tell me she has a boyfriend,i responded after 3 weeks nc.I’m gonna write our short exchange of texts,could you let me know what you think about it and if i completley ruined eny chance with her?
    Her:I need to tell you something important
    Her:Just so you know im thinking about you a lot
    Me:its ok,i hope everything is fine with you
    Her:yes i just wanted you to know it because its really like that.How are you doing
    Me:live on,we only live once
    Her:i know,i didnt say i didnt move on im just thinking a lot about you
    Me:oh haha im fine
    Her:Good thats just what i wanted to hear
    Me:i was just a bit enotional the other day when we argued i dont know what went over me haha
    Her:yes i understand,its normal,the most important thing is your fine now
    Me:yes it was good for me not having contact
    Her:yes i understand,i just wanted to check if everythings all right,if its good for you ill leave you,just wanted to check
    Me:im not interested in staying friends with you,if you change your mind you have my number
    I gotta go.
    She didnt answer so i assume that was our last conversation.
    Im just confused right now

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      So in fact there was no important thing that she needed to tell you? She just wanted to get your attention and make you reply. So you did, and I totally understand that, but you could have stopped the exchange earlier. You didn’t need to go on and on texting until she finally stopped answering. Anyway, it’s done now, so if you want to do no contact you need to start over, counting at day 1 from the day after your last text. You still have a chance, but if this happens again, stop texting much faster.

  14. Percy

    Do you think it slimmed my chanses down or delayed it?
    Anyway the last thing i told her I really meant it i don’t plan to make any effort texting her at all unless she changes her mind then we can talk.So it was like like a take it or leave it kind of offer it probably doesn’t work in this situation but I don’t give it too much importance like before anymore.

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      The take it or leave it offer is fine, and I don’t think it spoiled your chances, but it will have delayed things. It’s good that you are not giving it so much importance. Maybe you will move on for real.

  15. Percy

    Yes i think thats the best option because she already told me 3 weeks ago that shell do everthing she can to make me move on,and that ill give up eventually when shell talk to other guys,so i dont think theres any chance shell wanna get back.

  16. salma

    hello there ?
    my ex and I broke up one month ago .I stopped talking with him for a week then we started talking as friends for the following 3 weeks.
    I wasn’t clingy or anything we just talk and laugh, and from time to time discuss the breakup lightly. “it ended on good terms even tho I didn’t agree on his logic”
    5 days ago and out of nowhere I stopped replying and I just sent him “anyway… you’re a great guy and I wish u all the best”
    he said it back and continued texting and joking but I didn’t reply. “ouch”
    the next day he sent a good night text
    and the day after he called a lot and finally got the idea that Im ignoring him intentionally cause I post on fb. and he texted me asking about that..
    yesterday he called me 3 times in a row and texted me “just tell me if you’re OK”? and I didn’t reply
    today I posted on fb. soooo he sent me on Facebook MSN that he has to unfriend me because my notifications keep reminding him of what I’m doing.
    should I just just say that I need time for myself… or should I also ignore it and get unfriended??
    sooo confused rn :/

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      You could do either one, but in your position I would probably do the quick “I need time for me” thing, and then not reply again. And start counting 30 days after that.

      It sounds to me like he is constantly trying to make himself feel better about the breakup and he needs to understand that you’re not going to play that game anymore.

      1. salma

        well I didn’t reply until this moment but I guess he couldn’t unfriend me… cause I ignored him and kept posting all day long … and I saw him online… but he’s still in my friends list…

        I know he still loves me as I do… but he’s just way too stubborn and he thinks he’s not ready for commitment… and wants to prioritize his career… which was fine with me and he knows that I would only support him… but he just needed to get rid of the stress… and still have me in his life..
        I hope this NC gets his logic to work better …

        thanks Jennie ?
        Best regards from Sudan.

        1. salma

          well I replied like this “hey there.. hope all is well…. I just need some time for myself.. ”
          he replied right away:
          “you could’ve told me that, I was worried about you nothing more, take all the time you need”
          … I feel like saying “nothing to worry about”
          but I feel this will drag me for a conversation and I should avoid that… so I won’t even reply or just give him a smile tomorrow morning then count 30 days down 😀 cool?

  17. Hamza

    We were together for just over 2 years and it was really great. We had an argument while we were out one night and i thought we were getting over it. However a week later she said that she’d been thinking about that night and it was making her doubt everything. I then saw her a couple od dsys later and she basically told me that she felt that she could no longer depend on me and she didn’t want the relationship as much as she used to. This is because “although there are a lot of good times, there are still a few bad times”. I understand what she meant about not being able to depend on me that much as i did get a little too insecure in thr final few weeks mostly because she was moving yo university. Since then, we spoke a couple of times and she said she is not ruling anything out in tbe future but she doesn’t really know what she’s doing with life atm. She came to visit on my birthday and spent 2 nights. Nothing physical happened besides us holding each other and her saying she mkssed me and getting emotional. During the day, we went shopping and to a restaurant and it felt like nothing had happened. We agreed we would take some time apart completely and i suggested til the emd of term ( which would be this week) but she wanted til the end of her exams, so the middle of january. She said during this time, if we found anyone it would be ok to date as we were single. I didn’t fight that.After that, i did message her a few times and she said it would be nice to see me but she needed time to separate herself from the past as she wants to remain friends in the future. I am not thinkimg too much about the whole friends thing, as she has previously said she couldn’t be feiends with me if we broke up as there would be too much baggage and has also said she’s not ruling anything out in the future so its a lot of mixed signals regarding what’s going to happen in the future.she did say there should be no expectations as to whether we get back or stau apart after this period. I messaged her last week asking if she wanted to meet for a coffee catch up but immediately regretted it explaninimg I now understand why i need to respect her space completely and messaging does no good for either of us. So this is my 8th day of NC to focus on myself and keep growing. I was thinking of sending her a simple Christmas message and not overstaying my welcome and then waiting for her to message me in January?

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      I wouldn’t send the Christmas message unless she sends one. She probably will, but let her be the one to do that first.

      1. Hamza

        Rather randomly her brother who i have a fairly close relationship with wanted to meet up laat weekend and give me something. We weren’t able to meet due to the weather and his car breaking down so he left it at her house and said i could pick it up after checking with her if it was OK. I Messaged her myself to make sure and she reploed saying she was home next Thursday afternoon and i could come and pick it up then. I was thinking of just being myself and using what ive learned about myself and displaying it and just basically trying to get her feeling good around me again rather than talk about my feelings or the relationship. Do you agree?

        1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

          If you were following this system you would just pick up the item and go, or better, have a friend do it for you. If you’re seeing her, that’s contact and if you’re doing 30 days of no contact you have to start over on day 1. So yes, I would definitely not talk about your feelings or the relationship, and be sure to leave *before* she starts hinting that she has other things to do.

  18. Percy

    Hey Jennie,can you check my last post out which i posted 2 weeks ago,i havent talked to her since i gave her the take it or leave it offer,on which she never answered.But do you think that the fact that she told my shell do everything to make me move on,and ill eventually give up because she has contact with other guys,so is this hopeless or do i still have a chance and if yes what should i do?maybe NC for a longer period like 6 months or more and what if shell have someone by then or maybe even now?

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      There’s always a chance. After 30 days (or you can leave it longer if you want) you would send an across the bow text and then follow up with other steps of the plan. It doesn’t make a difference if you think she is seeing someone else because you don’t know how serious that relationship may be … unless they just announced their engagement or something. They could be about to break up, you don’t know.


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