When The No Contact Rule Works With An Ex – And When It Doesn’t

Couple Not Talking
If you’ve been looking online for information on how to make an ex want you back, you’ve probably heard of the no contact rule. It says, quite simply, that before you start making any move toward getting back together, you need to go through a period of time when you have no contact with an ex.

For most people, this is not easy to do. You may be wondering if it’s even worth it. Let’s see how the no contact rule works with an ex so you can decide whether it’s likely to be successful for you.

No Contact Rule – How Long?

In Text Your Ex Back, Michael Fiore lays down a 30 day no contact rule to get an ex back. He says this is the best length of time to go without seeing, phoning or texting your ex.

Some online sources suggest waiting even longer. We don’t think that’s necessary, although you can still get back together with an ex after more time. If several months or even years have passed since you had any contact with your ex, you’re in a great position because you can begin the next step without waiting.

But 30 days of no contact is enough in most cases. It’s time for your ex to begin to forget the heat of whatever caused the breakup. If they’ve started seeing someone new, it gives them time to maybe become disillusioned with that new relationship.

It’s also enough time for the pain of the breakup to lose its sharpest edge for you. We don’t mean you’ll get over your ex in that time – likely you’ll still miss them and want to get back together, but you’re not so likely to act emotionally which would probably only drive them further away. You can be cool – and you have to be cool if you want your ex back.

To discover more about how the no contact rule works and exactly how to make an ex want you back, check out Text Your Ex Back here.

Does The No Contact Rule Work?

The no contact rule works in a lot of cases because it gives the space you both need to stop acting on raw emotion and start thinking realistically about how you can reestablish your relationship and build it to be stronger next time around.

There’s a good chance it will work if:

– your ex doesn’t want to see you

– you know you’ve been contacting your ex too much (calling, seeing them, texting)

– you want the relationship to work

– you’re prepared to do things differently next time around

There are situations where it doesn’t work. For example if you expect your ex to change and you’re not willing to change yourself, the problems that you had before are likely to come back. But it’s your best shot, so for anybody who wants to get back together with an ex, it’s worth trying.

You won’t know unless you try!

When We Say ‘No Contact’…

… we mean it! You don’t call your ex or show up at their apartment … okay, you got that.
But also:

– you don’t call their number just to hear their voicemail.

– you don’t hang around near their workplace to catch a glimpse of them going in or out.

– you don’t ‘just happen to be passing’ their favorite lunch venue.

– you don’t seek out their friends hoping to hear some news.

– you don’t even look at their Facebook page to find out what they’re doing.

Wait until you’re back in contact with them and let them tell you what they’ve been doing – if they want to. That way, you’ll be genuinely surprised and they won’t feel you’ve been spying on them.

What If You HAVE To Have Contact With Your Ex?

In a few cases there might be reasons why some contact between you is necessary. You might have kids and need to arrange access visits. You might have left stuff at your ex’s home and want to fetch it, or the other way around. You might even work together.

In that situation, think what you would do if you REALLY didn’t want any contact with your ex at all. What would you do if this was a person that you never wanted to see or hear from again? Some ideas:

– if you needed to collect stuff from them, you’d either do it when they were not home or have a friend pick it up for you.

– if they wanted things from your place, you wouldn’t be there. You might ask a friend to be there to check they didn’t take all of your furniture. Or, you’d pack up their stuff and leave it with a friend for them to collect, or have UPS deliver it to them.

– if you were arranging access for your kids, you’d do it in the most distant way: again, through a friend or family member, or even through your lawyer if a divorce has started.

– if you work for the same company, you’d just avoid them as much as you can. Take a route to the coffee machine that doesn’t pass by their desk. Use the stairs to avoid meeting in the elevator. Consider looking for another job or applying for a promotion that would take you out of your ex’s work area. You might be able to make a good career move from the situation.

Use your friends and family during this time. Most of those people will be glad to help you – if you just ask!

“It’s Hard!”

Yes it can be hard to face a whole 30 days of not seeing or speaking to your ex – but you CAN do it if you keep telling yourself that it’s the best – in fact, probably the only – way to make your ex want you back.

Think of all the future that you might have together – the years of happiness. You don’t want to throw that away by indulging your impulses now.

It helps if you can see the next steps ahead of you too. If you understand the whole process, you’ll see where this fits in the system and how the no contact rule works to help you get back together.

>> Click here to see all the steps right now and
start getting your ex back
with Text Your Ex Back from the official website <<


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Next post: Get Your Ex Back Coach: Michael Fiore Text Your Ex Back

410 thoughts on “When The No Contact Rule Works With An Ex – And When It Doesn’t

  1. Jj

    I had been dating an amazing guy for almost three months . He is basically everything I had wanted, the only thing is that he lives about three hrs away from me. Last weekend I visited him and I thought we had a great time, we were still figuring things out because of the newness of the relationship. Today we talked, he was acting normal and out of the blue he asked to talked to me and explained that I had done nothing wrong but he didn’t feel as connected to me as he thought he would by this time, I only told him to take care as I was too surprised to say anythung else… I’d love to get him back but I wonder if I should apply this or just let it go?

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      You have to decide for yourself whether you want to try to get him back. I would say you don’t have anything to lose by doing the 30 days of no contact. You’ve already done all the right things by taking it calmly and not sounding needy. Maybe after the month is out you will find you’ve moved on, but if not, you could begin the next steps.

  2. John

    Hi my name is John, I’ve been dating this girl for 3 years and she asked for a break, I’ve read that no contact is the way to go, but I’m not sure for how long I mean we love each other and I’ve done some pretty stupid things to her, it’s been a week and I feel the urge to call her and tell her to comeback and be happy with each other but I don’t know. She is really determined this time around about this. She said she needs time alone and didn’t want to end things until she figures out. What Im supposed to do to get her back?

  3. Jo K

    Hello, dated a guy for 3 months and he always did things that made me question his honesty. He wasn’t very thoughtful either. He flat out lied to me about something and that’s when I broke it off. I could never trust him from day 1. When we were together I felt amazing and addicted to his presence and also addicted to talking to him. When we apart I lived in anxiety and dissapointment. At this point I don’t even know if I should try and get him back. It’s only been a couple days since I broke it off and no contact. I miss him though bad.

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      Jo, you were strong enough to break this off for very good reasons. So why would you try to get him back? OK, I know, because you miss him. But if you go back to him, he will just know that he can keep doing the same things and you will keep coming back.

      The only advice I can give in this situation is to stay strong and not go back. It will get easier, I promise! And then in time you will have a chance to find someone who makes you feel just as amazing, but is also honest and worthy of your trust.

      1. Jo K

        Jennie thank you for the quick response ! I love your page and advice. We had a very unique and powerful connection and I’ve never had as much fun as I did with him. But in our 40’s he should be honest and thoughtful. He said he’d be waiting for me..I question that too :). Onward and upward , thank you.

  4. Lea

    I ‘ve been in a relationship for more than a year with a guy, but we broke up because he was hurt we couldn t see each other as often as he wanted. I made the stupid mistake to tell him we should be friends but it’s not really working; would this rule work?

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      Maybe. This is intended for if he broke up with you. It isn’t clear from your message if that happened.

      Anyway, the first step would be to tell him that being just friends isn’t working for you. Then if he doesn’t suggest getting back together, you could do no contact.

  5. joe

    so my ex and i broke up 4 months ago we have been talking mainly me begging and pleading to try again. we had many little break ups. she recently said we need to accept we donmt work and relationships dont work sometimes dont we? then she hasnt replied to me for a week now. ii know how i fucked up and been making changes these 4 months but if i go no contact seen as she isnt replying now will this help me? shes been negative these 4 months and wont listen to reason so what do i do? she wouldnt see me to talk or anything shes a daughter says she doesnt hvae time and is concerntrating on her and her daughter now, but i know shes going out all the time but when we were togther she always made time a issue? just kept saying we said all this before and we dont work. please help

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      I think going no contact is the only hope in this kind of situation generally. You’ve seen that putting on pressure through begging and pleading doesn’t work. If you back right off now, you might give her a chance to miss you, but if you keep trying to contact her and she doesn’t want you to, you risk making things a whole lot worse. So yes, no contact is what I’d do in your situation.

      1. joe

        she texted back friday saying, i think it hasnt worked honestly. we tried over and over again (the mini break ups) i dont think meeting up will help, i dont see how it will help. we tried to hard and it didnt work? im busy with ____ (her daughter) and always will be thats another thing that cant be helped.
        i havent replied but i dont know how to convince her to meet me to talk after all this time? do i just stay NC?

        1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

          Yes, if she’s saying that, it sounds like this isn’t the right time to be trying to convince her. I would do 30 days no contact, then see if anything has changed. Good luck

  6. Jess

    Hello! So I have been in a sort of long distance relationship with my ex but about a month ago he said he wants to break up and that he found someone else he likes. He wanted to be friends with me and we have been talking daily, but a few days ago I told him I needed to take some time to myself and haven’t spoken to him since. He also said he is afraid I will abandon him. I really cannot understand him. Any advice for me? Thank you in advance.

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      I think you have done the right thing. If you want the relationship back, there is no point in being just friends in my opinion. It sounds like he wants to “have his cake and eat it” – to have a new relationship but still have you waiting there too. I would do no contact in this situation.

  7. Abhishek

    I’ve dated a girl for 3 months and i cheated on her but not intentionally
    She told me she dont trust me anymore and blocked me from everywhere.. will No contact rule apply on this situation??

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      I think the no contact rule has a better chance than anything else you can do. It’s not guaranteed, and it might take longer than 30 days, but if she’s blocked you, it will only anger her if you try to contact her now.

  8. shelly

    We’ve been broken up for over 2 months and I’ve only been in no contact for 2 weeks. I spent the first 2 months trying to convince him to give us another chance. I didn’t beg but I was severely emotional and sad. Is it too late for no contact to work if I didn’t do it immediately after the break-up?

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      It could still work. It’s certainly more likely to work than anything else you could do at this time, IMO. You might need to go longer than 30 days … or anyway, take the time to build your life and other interests, because it will be vital that you don’t seem needy when you do get back in touch with him. Good luck

      1. shelly

        Is it possible he’s already lost all feelings for me? I am worried that his perception of me has changed and he doesn’t see me as the woman he fell in love with 🙁 so much I wish I could undo.

        1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

          The idea of the no contact time (and then the “across the bow” texts) is that you let time pass so that hopefully he will start remembering the good times and the way he felt about you in the beginning, and forget the more recent bad stuff. Perceptions and feelings change all the time–from one hour to the next, from one minute to the next, even. You can only start from where you are and concentrate on the present and the future.

          As I said before, it will help if you focus on other friends and interests during this no contact time, and try not to overthink things. It will both help you, and likely make you more like the woman he fell in love with again 🙂

  9. Heart broken and pregnant

    I’m 38 almost 39 and he’s 59. We would have been dating a year this Sunday 3/18, but I found out I was pregnant 2/19 and told him 2/20. He told me he had no desire or intentions of being a dad again. When he divorced he raised his 3 girls by himself. He told me he thought I should see a doctor and see what they can do about the baby. I left saying my body, my choice and he asked what about his feelings. I haven’t has any contact with him since 2/20 other than when I texted him on 2/24 to let him know that since he had no desire or intention of being a dad that I was releasing him from all responsibility. He didn’t text or call responding to that and I have not attempted to contact him after that. What are the chances he will come around? And if he does will he come around for the Babies sake or will he want to get back together?

    This isn’t our first break up, but definitely our worst. Back in November we went 2 weeks without talking until he finally called me. He asked if I had ever intended on calling him and I told him no. We did text during that time regarding work. He also told me that time that he thought he was stubborn but realized I was more stubborn. I think he was really hurt in a past relationship and has taken until February before we broke up to really be open to telling each other I love you. Before I’d say I love you and he’d say same. But before we broke up he’s say I love you too. What’s the probability of getting back together? We are nearing almost 30 days of the nc rule. After 30 days should I contact him? Text him? Thank you for your help and insight to this.

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      That’s a tough situation. First, I applaud you for having the courage to go ahead with what you felt was right for you, and not let yourself be persuaded to do something you might have regretted all your life.

      TBH in your situation I’d wait until he contacts you, unless it goes past the time when the baby is born, and then you could let him know about that. He may change his mind about the child, but that’s more likely after the birth than before. And if he’s not interested in the child before it’s born, he may be afraid to respond to any contact you make, for fear of raising your hopes. So anything you do before the birth may feel like pressure to him.

      Or he may be feeling hurt that you have “chosen the baby over him,” and if you contact him now he may start to hope you’ll change your mind and choose differently–depending how far along you are. That would only lead to more arguments and hurt for both of you.

      On the other hand, if he DOES contact you during the pregnancy, that would be great. You could then meet up, as long as the suggestion comes from him.

      1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

        P.S. When I wrote that, I was assuming he knows you love him and want him back, i.e. that you made that clear at the time of the breakup.

        If there’s a chance he might think you were “just using him to get pregnant” (some guys do think that) and that you’re not interested in him anymore, then you could text again after the 30 days. But make it all about him and you, not the baby.

        1. Heart broken and pregnant

          Hi Jenny,

          Thank you for replying. I don’t think I made it clear at all that I loved or wanted him back. When I left his house the last time we saw each other, we didn’t say we broke up or anything. I just kind of stormed out of there. I should have stayed and communicated with him, but I was getting upset and so was he. I just thought at that time we just needed time to think about things.

          Should I text him that I love him and still want him back? I do love and want to be with him still. I’d do anything to be together and to raise our baby together if that’s what he wants. He seems to be the type of guy that has always done the right thing, but I do also realize he’s a t a whole different stage of his life. He did tell me twice, once back last May and in December when we got back together that he wasn’t looking for anything serious, but he did see us long term. But when I spoke to him regarding the seriousness of our relationship in December and I told him that I thought our relationship was serious he agreed. I am now confused and don’t know what I should do. Thank you for all your assistance. I hope you’re having a fantastic weekend.

          1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

            You could do that, because it does sound like he may not know that. The text you quoted (which I’ve edited out because there were identifiable names and stuff in there) sounds like you were saying you didn’t want him to be involved in your life or the baby’s. In your position I would correct that. But as I said before, make it about you and him. And just let him know, without any pressure on him to meet up or talk or even reply. So I wouldn’t put any questions in the text.

        2. Heart broken and pregnant

          Also I will be 8 weeks pregnant tomorrow and baby is due at the end of October. With everything going on I have to say I love this baby and I am excited to meet this person.


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