When The No Contact Rule Works With An Ex – And When It Doesn’t

Couple Not Talking
If you’ve been looking online for information on how to make an ex want you back, you’ve probably heard of the no contact rule. It says, quite simply, that before you start making any move toward getting back together, you need to go through a period of time when you have no contact with an ex.

For most people, this is not easy to do. You may be wondering if it’s even worth it. Let’s see how the no contact rule works with an ex so you can decide whether it’s likely to be successful for you.

No Contact Rule – How Long?

In Text Your Ex Back, Michael Fiore lays down a 30 day no contact rule to get an ex back. He says this is the best length of time to go without seeing, phoning or texting your ex.

Some online sources suggest waiting even longer. We don’t think that’s necessary, although you can still get back together with an ex after more time. If several months or even years have passed since you had any contact with your ex, you’re in a great position because you can begin the next step without waiting.

But 30 days of no contact is enough in most cases. It’s time for your ex to begin to forget the heat of whatever caused the breakup. If they’ve started seeing someone new, it gives them time to maybe become disillusioned with that new relationship.

It’s also enough time for the pain of the breakup to lose its sharpest edge for you. We don’t mean you’ll get over your ex in that time – likely you’ll still miss them and want to get back together, but you’re not so likely to act emotionally which would probably only drive them further away. You can be cool – and you have to be cool if you want your ex back.

To discover more about how the no contact rule works and exactly how to make an ex want you back, check out Text Your Ex Back here.

Does The No Contact Rule Work?

The no contact rule works in a lot of cases because it gives the space you both need to stop acting on raw emotion and start thinking realistically about how you can reestablish your relationship and build it to be stronger next time around.

There’s a good chance it will work if:

– your ex doesn’t want to see you

– you know you’ve been contacting your ex too much (calling, seeing them, texting)

– you want the relationship to work

– you’re prepared to do things differently next time around

There are situations where it doesn’t work. For example if you expect your ex to change and you’re not willing to change yourself, the problems that you had before are likely to come back. But it’s your best shot, so for anybody who wants to get back together with an ex, it’s worth trying.

You won’t know unless you try!

When We Say ‘No Contact’…

… we mean it! You don’t call your ex or show up at their apartment … okay, you got that.
But also:

– you don’t call their number just to hear their voicemail.

– you don’t hang around near their workplace to catch a glimpse of them going in or out.

– you don’t ‘just happen to be passing’ their favorite lunch venue.

– you don’t seek out their friends hoping to hear some news.

– you don’t even look at their Facebook page to find out what they’re doing.

Wait until you’re back in contact with them and let them tell you what they’ve been doing – if they want to. That way, you’ll be genuinely surprised and they won’t feel you’ve been spying on them.

What If You HAVE To Have Contact With Your Ex?

In a few cases there might be reasons why some contact between you is necessary. You might have kids and need to arrange access visits. You might have left stuff at your ex’s home and want to fetch it, or the other way around. You might even work together.

In that situation, think what you would do if you REALLY didn’t want any contact with your ex at all. What would you do if this was a person that you never wanted to see or hear from again? Some ideas:

– if you needed to collect stuff from them, you’d either do it when they were not home or have a friend pick it up for you.

– if they wanted things from your place, you wouldn’t be there. You might ask a friend to be there to check they didn’t take all of your furniture. Or, you’d pack up their stuff and leave it with a friend for them to collect, or have UPS deliver it to them.

– if you were arranging access for your kids, you’d do it in the most distant way: again, through a friend or family member, or even through your lawyer if a divorce has started.

– if you work for the same company, you’d just avoid them as much as you can. Take a route to the coffee machine that doesn’t pass by their desk. Use the stairs to avoid meeting in the elevator. Consider looking for another job or applying for a promotion that would take you out of your ex’s work area. You might be able to make a good career move from the situation.

Use your friends and family during this time. Most of those people will be glad to help you – if you just ask!

“It’s Hard!”

Yes it can be hard to face a whole 30 days of not seeing or speaking to your ex – but you CAN do it if you keep telling yourself that it’s the best – in fact, probably the only – way to make your ex want you back.

Think of all the future that you might have together – the years of happiness. You don’t want to throw that away by indulging your impulses now.

It helps if you can see the next steps ahead of you too. If you understand the whole process, you’ll see where this fits in the system and how the no contact rule works to help you get back together.

>> Click here to see all the steps right now and
start getting your ex back
with Text Your Ex Back from the official website <<


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Next post: Get Your Ex Back Coach: Michael Fiore Text Your Ex Back

124 thoughts on “When The No Contact Rule Works With An Ex – And When It Doesn’t

  1. Dan

    Hi, my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me a few days back, stating that this past 2 years has been exhausting and tiring for her. she has stated that she has given me chance after chance to improve on my lifestyle (not working and just lazing around) and to really plan and work for our future together but has seen no such change. She facetimed me crying and told me that after thinking about it for such quite a time and living up to some much continous disappoinments that she was ending things with me.

    I’m incredibly devastated upset with myself that i didnt wake up my idea after the countless numbers of times she has given me a chance to. I’ve asked her that what if she saw a prominent change in me, whether she would take me back and give us another go knowing that i would not change back to my old lifestyle and really plan for a proper future with her (Her trust in me has been crushed to the point where she mention to me that while i did change a little after some talk with her, each encounter always reverts back to its old habits.), her answer to me was that if i did change for the better and continued staying that way, that she would be happy for the next girl that comes along in my life cause she knows that I will protect the next girl from feeling this pain she was feeling, and that sadly she wont be there beside me anymore. She says that she still loves me but she has to let me go as she feels we are not compatitable. I feel so disheartened and crushed, that i will never ever get the chance to make her change her mind and take me back.

    Do i even have a chance of winning her back and changing her mind? i really really dont want to lose such an incredible and wonderful girl. I would do anything to get her back.

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      Dan, your best chance is to follow the plan, i.e. no contact for 30 days … and make some real changes in your life in that time. You’ll need to want to make the changes for your own sake, not only to impress her, otherwise you will only slip back again if/when you win her back – and she knows that!

      When you have settled into this new kind of life, maybe you will be able to win her back. But there’s no point asking her to tell you now what she would do if things were different, because then it’s like you’re saying “I’ll change, but only to get you back [so then I can change back to my old habits again].” You need to produce results, not promises or “what ifs”.

      Concentrate on fixing up your life, and do no contact so you won’t be tempted to say “hey, look what I did!” every time you achieve some little step. You don’t want to seem like you are doing it to earn her approval.

      1. Dan

        Alright I’ll give it a shot. And yes I do know that I can’t just be changing for the sole purpose of getting her back, I know that I need this for myself too. Thanks so much for replying me and I’ll do my part to change what I need to

  2. Tanya

    My ex and I had been together for other 1 year. He had cheated and I want to do the 30 day no contact rule because I feel it’s best
    He’s touched another girl I feel his behaviour has changed to a player
    I hate this it makes me sick

    Will he sleep with others during the no contact rule I scare this will happen??

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      The 30 day no contact rule that we’re discussing on this site is for after a breakup. I think what you’re talking about is taking some “time out” from the relationship. In that case, it’s up to the two of you to discuss how that would work.

  3. Varada

    Hi me and my bf brokeup last week. I had made alot of mistakes when i was with him but i was trying to change myself and to some extend i actually have . Now my bf thinks that i dont care for him or love him as much he does and calls me fake because he thinks my actions dont show what my words say. I really want to get back with him what should i do? He says he needs 2 3 days to think whether we should get back or not but he also says the chances are very low. What should be my next step if he says no? Or if he says yes?

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      No contact for 30 days is the first step if he says no.

      If he says yes, great. Keep on with your changed behavior, as long as the changes you’re making are things you want to do for yourself, and not only for him. It doesn’t work to try to change to please somebody else.

  4. Jennifer

    Hi I had been with my boyfriend for several months. We were both very drawn to each other. We matched perfectly in character, interest, and the chemistry was great too. Everything was so fantastic. He is a sincere person and his feelings for me were very sincere as well. Then one day he told me how his relative(who lives in the same city as us) found out about his relationship with me and told his parents (who didn’t know about it, as they don’t live in the same place we are in). His parents forced him to end the relationship between us, as it is forbidden for their religion to date. He had a lot of pressure from his parents and his religion, he seemed very stressed out by this whole situation, but he clearly still likes me, as we are both very attached to each other. I really want to be friends with him, as it is rare to find someone like him matching my humour and style so well. I love banterous talk with comeback and wit, and he is one of these few people who could do it that well, which is very special for me. It is difficult to talk to him now, however, as he seems to be very complicated these days due to the situation. He is cold and avoids me too, but that I guess is because of the pressure he is getting from home. Right now I decided to avoid him too to makie things easier for him. I don’t know? How should I deal with these situations where the guy still like you but can’t be with you because of religious pressure, you still like him and really want to be friends with him and speak to him but he is acting strange right now? Should I try talking to him after another two months?

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      OK, this is a different thing from most of the questions I get because you want to be friends with him. Generally people want back into the relationship and not to get “friend-zoned”. But you could still follow the same plan, since it sounds like he needs space even from the friendship. So rather than calling him after the no contact period, you would send an Across the Bow text. I put the link to that article in my answer to Nemo which is two questions below yours. This is much less pressure for the other person than calling, and it makes it easier to start over with the relationship (or friendship). I hope that helps.

  5. Djy

    Hi there I was with my ex for 6 and a half years I broke up with her 2months ago because i feeling a bit depressed I don’t know why I did it i regret everything that night she found out I had a stupid kiss with girl when I was drunk. I meet her a week ago and we were fine just like normal we had a cry and stuff then I started being really clingy a few weeks ago she said I pushed her away I won’t trust me. Wants to be friends and me to do my own thing. I love this girl with all my heart and want to be with her the rest of my days what do I do please??

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      If you want to follow this plan it is 30 days no contact as in the article above. I think that will give you the best chance.

  6. nemo

    Hi, Jennie,
    What if she has blocked my tel number and viber. I don’t have facebook account. So I can reach her only via SMS or by phoning her from unknown number . She broke with me 3 weeks ago (we’ve been together for 5 years but the tings form the past wich I did to her and hurt including cheating are the reasons for her to broke with me) and is now dating and almost living together with this new guy- her boss! First she told me that she needed some time alone. But after a while I understood that she is dating her boss (she is 22 he is 37)! So they now they are in the honeymmon phase of their relationship. I know this because I have the password of her FB account. I assume they go out together for about a month or two.
    I’ve kept the no contact rule for 2 weeks by now. The problem is that after the 30 days I would not be able to call her. I assume she blocked me because she spend a lot of time wiht him and doesn’t want to be bothered. What in your oppinion shoul I do? How do I make her unblock me? The only chance that I’ve got for reaching her after the 30 days of no contact is send her a text or hand writtren letter …
    Thank You in advance for your help!

      1. nemo

        Thank You for Your answer!
        According to Text Your Ex back system when the 30 days of no contact are over I should send an Across the Bow text and if she does not answer I should wait a few days more and try again. Ok, but what should I do if she does not respond the second ot third Across the Bow text either ?

        1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

          Do you have the system? It should all be in there. I can’t go any further in revealing it because of copyright issues. It’s not mine to give away.
          Hope that helps, Jennie

  7. Diana

    Hi. My on&off bf of 13 years & I have broken due to his infidelity. He’s cheated twice in me w/the same nasty looking gal. I feel like this is it. I do and still in love with him but also know I’m tried of his lies. I’ve started using the NC last week & he tried calling me once w/a Restricted #, minute later twice calling from his cell (which he realized I BLOCKED him) and then 4 minutes later he tries calling me from his grandmother’s house line. Obviously I didn’t return his calls. I will be strong and will successfully complete the whole 30 day NC. My question is do you think he’ll really try to reconcile w/me? And I’m also wondering what might be going on into his mind. I mean he and everyone knows he DOWNGRADED BIG TIME.

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      It sounds to me like the question here is what you want, not what he wants. You will probably figure that out in the 30 days and then you can take it from there. I can’t tell you what’s going on in his mind and nor can anybody 🙂

  8. Kieran

    I need some help. My girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me 2 months ago saying she didn’t think she was in love with me anymore. (Ouch) I done the begging and pleading and we went no contact but then started talking again. (Just friendly nothing about the relationship) She replied and all seemed to be going well for a week or 2. I asked to meet and she said it was too soon. Now I’m being ignored again… What do I do??

  9. Josh

    Hi Guys

    Me and my ex of 3 years broke up 6 weeks ago for good. There were numerous reasons due to the breakup mainly my fault, [EDITED FOR LENGTH]
    My question is will no contact work in making her reach out and us both seeing how it goes and if it feels right maybe trying to re-connect I’m just using no contact to move on and heal but I want her back so bad I know she still loves me I am her first love and she still cares and showed so many emotions which I would have thought she wouldn’t if she lost feelings throughout the breakup I just want her to come back as I’ve changed and will treat her right in regards to not say and do anything like the past to hurt her she knows I’m a very good person with a good heart but I just feel she’s gone for good even though we ended on the best terms with no arguments or hurtful things said at the end and to this day?

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      It sounds like you are doing the best things. If you owe her money you should repay that as soon as you possibly can. I would start counting the no contact 30 days AFTER you do that. Then it’s possible you will be able to reconnect with her in the later steps. But don’t hold onto that money. Do all you can to get it back to her.

      1. Josh

        Thanks for your reply

        I have indeed paid it all back today I didn’t contact her I just transferred it to her account but she knew it would be there.
        I kinda feel like there is no hope at all she never contacts me nor shows she really cares anymore and I’ve done all I can to change plus become a better person I’m doing great but feel so empty without her, I feel if I do 30 days or 60 days as well she will just be the same if I tried to reintiate contact I’m just scared that it will set me back so I don’t think I will contact her unless she contacts me do you think that will push her away for good as I feel we both need a lot of time but the more time
        That passes the more she moves on etc?

        1. Josh

          She did say she misses me but I said I miss her to all she said was I hope your okay and I am sorry this was last week this made me feel as nothing has changed I’m doing no contact but I feel the more time that passes the more she moves on and drifts away I think she may be talking to other ppl as well but I also think it’s my paranoia towards the situation as I don’t know for sure

        2. Jennie Hernandez Post author

          The theory is that the more time that passes, the more likely it is that she will remember the good parts of your relationship more than the bad parts. If you do decide to contact her after the no contact time, be sure to take baby steps with Across The Bow texts and the other steps, and don’t move straight to calls or anything that would put pressure on her.

          1. Josh

            I agree with that but I’m just scared to set myself back in the start when she still just rejects me even if I just take baby steps talking nothing about getting each other back just casual talk to re awaken feelings.

            My question is if I don’t re intiate contact will that push her away for good?

          2. Jennie Hernandez Post author

            In most cases it’s contacting the ex too soon or putting pressure on them that pushes them away. There are no guarantees but I think this method gives people the best chance of recovering a relationship with an ex who right now does not want to see them.

  10. eric


    Like others, I am writing here to seek some sort of comfort and definitely some advice has how continue down the right path.

    We have had a great relationship, with normal its ups and downs. My partner who has now left me and moved back to her moms house after living and being together for 4 years. [EDITED FOR LENGTH]

    We last saw each other this passed sunday morning and it was not a good climate. She was mad that i showed up to drop some of the stuff that she forgot at the house and she says that I am manipulating my way to see her and talk… which is what I did. She is mad that it always has to be my way when things need to be fixed and she states that it is not up to me to chose when things should change.

    Bottom line is, that I have been able to put the relationship in perspective, after begging and being rejected from someone who says she loves me. I know what the issues at hand are however I cant prove any change if she wont accept to see me. I have no initiated No Contact since Sunday and it is very hard. There are many little signs that i may be taking the wrong way but these signs are giving me hope.

    I skimmed the surface on the subject but it is pretty self descriptive. Please let me know if you want to know more
    What to do next.

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      I would keep going with the no contact and the changes you are making in your life. If you need to return any more stuff to her, you can have a friend do it.

  11. scott

    my ex broke up with me last week and im devastated, she sent me a text explaining that a relationship plus her kids playing up just didnt m8x and cast me aside, i started chatting to her online in april last year until the end of august and then we met up in september the first 3 months were amazing i would be there for her and the kids andcwe got on great. Then christmas hit and things seemed to go a little sour she sent me a nasty text outlining all of my faults after i had lavished her and the kids with presents. She stopped letting me visit and only recently have we met up but it was fraught to say the least. She then ended it a week ago and though i havent contacted her for a week i broke the rule and texted her and she is reaffiring that its never going to work..Please help as i love her deeply.

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      You can start over, Scott. Day 1 is the day after you last had contact. I know it’s tough not to cave and text her, but just remember that if you do, you have to start counting from 1 over again. Then when you get to 30 days, be very careful to send the right kind of text which is “across the bow”, and follow the other steps from there. It’s baby steps all the way with the aim of giving your ex a chance to miss you and really WANT you back, not you talking her into anything. Hope that helps.

      1. scott

        really worried i have done too much texting and told her too much shes already back on a dating website which is just killing me inside.

        1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

          Don’t worry about what’s done. The idea is that all the bad stuff at the end of the relationship will fade in her mind as it gets more distant, and she will start to remember the good stuff. But for that to happen, you need to back right off.

          Regarding the dating website, try not to look at that stuff. I know how tempting it is but there’s nothing you can do about it right now – or rather, if you do anything, you will only push her further away. And it hurts, right, so there is no point looking. She might need to date someone else in order to discover actually things were much better with you … but you don’t want to be watching that happen. I’d delete myself off that site if I were you.

  12. scott

    the last contact was this

    me : i just want you to have a think about the good times and hopefully be in a position to try and explain it a little to me at some point.

    her reply : i cant sorry there is no real reason perhaps its just me dont wanna be chatting all the time tho i just wanted to check you are ok

    me : ok but not ok if that makes sense

    her reply : ok

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      You cannot stop her, that’s the thing, and the theory is that anything you do now in the way of contacting her when she doesn’t want to see you, is going to push her further away. You have to wait and try to get her back later. That may mean she dates someone else in between. But you cannot control another person’s feelings. If she doesn’t love you right now, you need to win back her love later when she is more open to it. It will be way easier if you don’t make things worse now.

      But you don’t have to follow this system. I just believe it gives you the best chance of establishing a permanent loving relationship in the long term.


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