When The No Contact Rule Works With An Ex – And When It Doesn’t

Couple Not Talking
If you’ve been looking online for information on how to make an ex want you back, you’ve probably heard of the no contact rule. It says, quite simply, that before you start making any move toward getting back together, you need to go through a period of time when you have no contact with an ex.

For most people, this is not easy to do. You may be wondering if it’s even worth it. Let’s see how the no contact rule works with an ex so you can decide whether it’s likely to be successful for you.

No Contact Rule – How Long?

In Text Your Ex Back, Michael Fiore lays down a 30 day no contact rule to get an ex back. He says this is the best length of time to go without seeing, phoning or texting your ex.

Some online sources suggest waiting even longer. We don’t think that’s necessary, although you can still get back together with an ex after more time. If several months or even years have passed since you had any contact with your ex, you’re in a great position because you can begin the next step without waiting.

But 30 days of no contact is enough in most cases. It’s time for your ex to begin to forget the heat of whatever caused the breakup. If they’ve started seeing someone new, it gives them time to maybe become disillusioned with that new relationship.

It’s also enough time for the pain of the breakup to lose its sharpest edge for you. We don’t mean you’ll get over your ex in that time – likely you’ll still miss them and want to get back together, but you’re not so likely to act emotionally which would probably only drive them further away. You can be cool – and you have to be cool if you want your ex back.

To discover more about how the no contact rule works and exactly how to make an ex want you back, check out Text Your Ex Back here.

Does The No Contact Rule Work?

The no contact rule works in a lot of cases because it gives the space you both need to stop acting on raw emotion and start thinking realistically about how you can reestablish your relationship and build it to be stronger next time around.

There’s a good chance it will work if:

– your ex doesn’t want to see you

– you know you’ve been contacting your ex too much (calling, seeing them, texting)

– you want the relationship to work

– you’re prepared to do things differently next time around

There are situations where it doesn’t work. For example if you expect your ex to change and you’re not willing to change yourself, the problems that you had before are likely to come back. But it’s your best shot, so for anybody who wants to get back together with an ex, it’s worth trying.

You won’t know unless you try!

When We Say ‘No Contact’…

… we mean it! You don’t call your ex or show up at their apartment … okay, you got that.
But also:

– you don’t call their number just to hear their voicemail.

– you don’t hang around near their workplace to catch a glimpse of them going in or out.

– you don’t ‘just happen to be passing’ their favorite lunch venue.

– you don’t seek out their friends hoping to hear some news.

– you don’t even look at their Facebook page to find out what they’re doing.

Wait until you’re back in contact with them and let them tell you what they’ve been doing – if they want to. That way, you’ll be genuinely surprised and they won’t feel you’ve been spying on them.

What If You HAVE To Have Contact With Your Ex?

In a few cases there might be reasons why some contact between you is necessary. You might have kids and need to arrange access visits. You might have left stuff at your ex’s home and want to fetch it, or the other way around. You might even work together.

In that situation, think what you would do if you REALLY didn’t want any contact with your ex at all. What would you do if this was a person that you never wanted to see or hear from again? Some ideas:

– if you needed to collect stuff from them, you’d either do it when they were not home or have a friend pick it up for you.

– if they wanted things from your place, you wouldn’t be there. You might ask a friend to be there to check they didn’t take all of your furniture. Or, you’d pack up their stuff and leave it with a friend for them to collect, or have UPS deliver it to them.

– if you were arranging access for your kids, you’d do it in the most distant way: again, through a friend or family member, or even through your lawyer if a divorce has started.

– if you work for the same company, you’d just avoid them as much as you can. Take a route to the coffee machine that doesn’t pass by their desk. Use the stairs to avoid meeting in the elevator. Consider looking for another job or applying for a promotion that would take you out of your ex’s work area. You might be able to make a good career move from the situation.

Use your friends and family during this time. Most of those people will be glad to help you – if you just ask!

“It’s Hard!”

Yes it can be hard to face a whole 30 days of not seeing or speaking to your ex – but you CAN do it if you keep telling yourself that it’s the best – in fact, probably the only – way to make your ex want you back.

Think of all the future that you might have together – the years of happiness. You don’t want to throw that away by indulging your impulses now.

It helps if you can see the next steps ahead of you too. If you understand the whole process, you’ll see where this fits in the system and how the no contact rule works to help you get back together.

>> Click here to see all the steps right now and
start getting your ex back
with Text Your Ex Back from the official website <<


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Next post: Get Your Ex Back Coach: Michael Fiore Text Your Ex Back

529 thoughts on “When The No Contact Rule Works With An Ex – And When It Doesn’t

  1. Luna

    I was in a 9th month relationship. The last two months we stopped communicating like we used to, mostly because I started dealing with anxiety problems and she started distancing herself from me. We were also living temporarily together for 3 months.
    When we stopped living together (20 days after splitting ways) she called me and told me she wanted to break up. She also told me she lost her feelings for me, she was emotionally tired because of the relationship and she felt we weren’t compatible anymore.
    After our break up I stopped contacting her almost immediately. The thing is that we haven’t had a real conversation after our break up and I haven’t told her my side of the story. If we speak again after a month of no contact, won’t it feel like I was waiting a whole month just to accuse her and ultimately won’t it drive her even further away? Should I have a conversation about the break now that it’s still raw and then restart no contact?

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      No, because that doesn’t need to be what you talk about after the 30 days no contact. There is no need to tell her your side of the story – at worst, as you say, it will sound like you’re accusing her of something, and at best it will only remind her of her negative feelings that she had at that time, the feelings that made her want to break up with you. You don’t want to bring any of that back.

      It’s much better to send short messages that remind her of the good times you had, earlier in your relationship. What you want to bring back are the feelings she had when you were both in love.

  2. Michelle

    I’ve been dating a guy for a month and I know that’s a short amount of time but it still hurts the same. I’m 41 and he’s 40. Everything was perfect nothing bad happened. Then out of nowhere he stopped responding to my calls and text. I text him once the day after I didn’t hear anything and I text him one more time after that, nothing mean. Anyways I’m very confused. I know Facebook can be irrelevant but I can’t seem to MoveOn because we have a relationship status on Facebook together and he’s been posting the last couple days and still hasn’t changed his status back to single. (he’s had a week to do it) I really do care about him and for some reason I can’t bring myself to just change mine instead… I’m too old to be obsessing over something like this, why doesn’t he just change it?! Honestly it would have been so much better if he just said something, anything Besides a complete and sudden silence.
    I would already be a week into the healing process, I don’t know what to do.

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      I think you know the answer! You say that you “can’t bring yourself” to change your status to single, like you know that is what you should do… right?

      Then if I were you, I would do the 30 days no contact, and see how you feel after that.

      I know that right now you don’t want to hear that you can do WAY better than a guy who just ghosts on you, but you absolutely can do better, and I hope that when the 30 days are over you will see that for yourself 🙂

  3. Dee

    Hi there!

    My ex and I were together for 2 years, on and off, recently we broke up and I did the no contact for the first time for 32 days, he came running back begged me to go on a date, we got back together the same night.

    2 months of honeymoon phase he pulled away and said the relationship dynamic is way too stressful to him, we stayed ‘friends with benifits’ for 2 weeks and again he said it is too stressful

    I did a mini no contact of 4 days and he started initiating everyday for about 6 days, then our anniversary came, I brought up how good we were as a couple and again, in a day or two he clearly started pulling away.

    Eventually I said okay let’s rather take a break for real, it will also be good for me to get over you. And he agreed, we exchanged items and I went completely silent, but actively posting on social media (with only fun stuff nothing about relationships at all)

    3 weeks later I tried to talk to him but he was acting friendly but distant, 2 days later he ignored my last message.

    It has been 2 weeks since we last spoke and I know he s active on dating sites (he always do, every time right after we breakup). I have a favor that he s the best person to ask, should I initiate and see what he says?

    Would be 3+2 no contact by today

    Oh and just to add, when I initiated the conversation he changed his profile picture for the first time in 8 months, and he took 20 hours to respond, I don’t know if I am over reading into it but I see it as quite a big reaction from him.

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      I wouldn’t contact him again yet because you initiated contact two weeks ago and messaged him more than once then.

      Especially to ask him a favor… that might seem like you’re trying to lassoo him back into your life.

      The aim is to get to a point where HE wants the relationship (not just sex). Keep posting the fun stuff on social media 🙂

      And if he initiates contact again, I would be a little slower to respond. Don’t rush back into anything.

      1. Dee

        Hi Jennie!

        Thank you so much for the comment! Just one more thing please! My birthday is in 5 weeks, do you think I should invite him to do a 1 on 1 birthday dinner with me very much closer to the time or should I just do no contact indefinitely?

        It feels to me that he s never coming back ?

        1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

          The idea is that when you communicate, it will be zero pressure. So that means not asking him to do anything.

          What I would do in your situation is wait 30 days since your last contact. That will be 2-3 weeks before your birthday. Don’t mention your birthday but send an “across the bow” text. You can see examples of that here: http://textyourexbackspy.com/text-your-ex-back-examples/

          Then you wait. If he replies, you would keep your responses low key and friendly, and still not asking for anything. You’re always waiting for him to ask you for a date, him to be the first one to make a phone call, and such.

          If he doesn’t reply to that first “across the bow” text, I wouldn’t send any more messages, but let your birthday pass. Don’t do anything to remind him that your birthday is coming up (I mean like don’t even post about it on social media). You want to know if he is going to remember it by himself. Maybe he will and he’ll send you a message, that would be a great sign. If he doesn’t contact you at that time, then it could be time to move on. Because if you were together for 2 years, he should know it’s your birthday.

          Meanwhile, get on with your life in other ways, develop a new hobby, start studying something, whatever.

          I hope that helps. It isn’t easy, but remember that people are kind of like cats when it comes to relationships. If a cat isn’t sure if it wants to sit on your lap, there’s no use grabbing it and trying to force it to sit there. It will run a mile. You need to let it decide for itself when is the right time to come and snuggle 🙂

  4. TMan

    Hi Jennie

    I find myself in this sad place.. I am at the end of almost 2 months NC. Still not heard from her.. And I think I am ready to move on.. But I guess I need a second opinion?
    Although I helped to break us up. I think I have done everything I can to make it right. I sent her a text and left a voicemail to break NC and I guess I just have to wait and see now. The length of time was mainly because the lady I was seeing for a couple of months travels a lot and has been out of the country for most of the time.

    I have been unlucky in love most of my life. The two times I felt I found the one were both destroyed by people close to me who I should have been able to trust.

    This was literally our first argument. So if anything, I am feeling a little foolish to have believed what she was saying and going with the flow.
    I find myself wondering if her feelings for me were real or if I was just the flavour of that month if you know what I mean?
    I have sent a text and a voicemail message today. But I am not sure what steps I need to take now.

    I am unsure if I can continue doing work for them while things are like this. But I am very confused by this situation right now.
    What do you think?

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      Hey TMan,

      I cut your question short because it was so long and detailed that I thought it might identify you. But be assured I did read it all, and I’m taking account of everything you said.

      What I would do in your position would be to do the work you have been offered, if that fits with your own business objectives, but not send any more texts now unless she replies to the one you already sent. Doing the work will mean that you continue to be in contact with people she knows, and she will always know how to contact you if she wants to. At the same time you have the chance to establish yourself as a reliable and honest person in the working environment, and she may be waiting to see how that works out before she opens up to you again.

      If you are serious about this relationship, you will need to avoid going out with friends who are cruising the bars and such – you probably don’t need me to tell you this after the disaster that you had, but it sounds like you live in a small city, and talk travels fast. You can see your friends of course, but invite them to your home or to a sporting event or anywhere that is not a place where people go to meet the opposite sex.

      I hope this works out for you!

  5. Anamika

    My ex and I broke up bcoz a fight escalated. He had been taking me for granted. We were thinking of going on a trip but at the deciding time, he said he doesn’t have money. Then two weeks later, he told me he’s going on a trip with his friends. For some reason the plan failed, but not bcoz he didn’t have money. When I pointed it out to him, he gave reasons of problems in his life and that i hurt him. I didn’t handle it well. Then he said he doesn’t love me anymore. It hurt me and I haven’t contacted him since. But I miss him. He asked for his things back in the hands of a mutual friend. I’ve given them. I don’t know what to do now.

  6. ANKUR

    My ex was so frustrated that she told me that i am suffocating her with texts and phone calls. I was so anxious that lastly i called up her gym to know whether she is lying or not and she got to know about this. I was so furious and anxious that i think she might be seeing the gym trainer or someone else because she had started lying.

    Finally she told her mom that she doesn’t want to be in this relationship and i am forcing it then her mom called me up to breakup with her. We were together from last 4 and a half years. Can this work for me?

    She was confused about things sometime she even called up crying in the night. Its been three days that I haven’t called her up or texted her.

    1. ANKUR

      Also she told me before all this that we can be in friends with benefit kind of scenario to give time to relationship. I don’t know what to do now. The breakup was also so harsh and she usually told me that she don’t have feelings for me now. She has been thinking about this from last six months but still she was happy. She told me she is avoiding to meet me because if she meets me she melts.

      1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

        I think that 30 days of no contact would give you the best chance of getting back together. With your history of keeping a close watch over her, you will surely find it difficult, but you said that she has found that suffocating, so you need to show her that you are willing and able to back off and give her more freedom.

        I think that seeing each other as friends is always a bad idea in this situation. If she sees you all the time she won’t be missing you and wanting you back. Also, it will likely be difficult for you to spend time with her without showing that you are hurt and putting more pressure on her, which is the worst thing to do right now.

        1. ANKUR

          Thank you, but what about her talking to someone on phone and whatsapp. She sent me request on insta i accepted and sent the request back she also accepted it but she was busy the whole day on whatsapp and call literally the whole day .
          What about the guy who she is talking to so much and what if she is seeing him?

          1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

            If you want this to work, you must stop expecting to control what she does. How do you know it’s a guy she is talking to all of that time? It might be a girl friend or her mother, or it might be a lot of different people. Right now especially, but also when you get back together, you need to relax about what she is doing when she’s not with you, or you will suffocate her and drive her away.

            It would be easier for you if you weren’t checking up on what she is doing. I don’t think it really counts as no contact if you are looking at her social media activity all of the time – certainly not if she knows you are doing it. Would you consider unfriending her so you are not tempted to check up on her?

            If she starts seeing someone else, under this system you let that happen and wait. At the right moment you will try to get her back, and by then you hope that she has lost interest in the other person. It’s like with kids – if you try to stop them doing something with force, they only want to do it more. Let her find out for herself that you are what she truly wants.

            And if that doesn’t happen, you cannot force her to love you, either. All you can do is back off so you don’t push her further away. I believe that this way gives you the best chance of winning her back, but there are no guarantees.

  7. Michael

    My ex and I broke up (she) in the heat of the moment. After three days of no contact she sent me a message saying how much she missed me already and then we were on the phone till the next morning. That evening she came to my house as a surprise and we spent three days in a row together. She misses me, she says she loves me and really wants to spend time with me, but she’s panicking; about the future, about her job, about everything, really. She clearly has some attachment-issues. Where as, normally I chose to offer her safety during those moments, I now decided to put a limit on it, for myself. So we had a date, but I told her I thought it was better to take some time apart en reflect on everything that had happened. Now we’re three days into NC. However, since this was not a typical break-up, and because I’m really sure she never felt the “relief”-part, I’m wondering if NC is the way to go…

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      What do you think she wants right now? Do you think she wants to break up, wants to be just friends/friends with benefits, or she is unsure, or do you think she wants to get back together and hoped this would happen when she came to see you after 3 days?

      If it’s any of the first three including unsure, then no contact might be right for you. But the point of no contact is to get her to want to you back (in a relationship, not just as friends) so if she is already wanting you back, then you have achieved it and there’s no need to do no contact unless you want to take a step back from the relationship yourself. And in that case it wouldn’t have to be complete no contact because you would be in a position to call the shots.

  8. Fiqa

    heyy, good day. I’ve been brokeup with my girlfriend last month and she ended it. we have been together for around 5 years and it is a long distance relationship. last week after we broke up, she said she miss me but indirectly. I’ ve applied No Contact rules but only last for 2 days. I kept on spamming her whatsapp and telegram. Last week we’ve discussing if she wants to see me and she said she’ll loved to. But today she said she doesn’t want to see me anymore. She still wearing our couple ring and sweetly save my name as Mystereoheart, as of yesterday. Now she’s blocking my number on her whatsapp. But not on her telegram. She keeps saying we are over, she doesn’t have anything to do with me anymore. She keep asking to return her things. What should i do? I love her. I’d even begged for her. Help me please 🙁

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      I think you know what I’m going to say, right? I’d return her things as she’s asked, and then do No Contact for 30 days. I know it’s hard, but if you keep spamming her accounts when she doesn’t want to hear from you, you’ll only drive her further and further away.

  9. Laura

    I just left a guy I was with 2 years because he wouldn’t work!! I left him when he was gone one day and I closed out our bank account!! Dont get me wrong he cooked and he cleaned and he did my laundry!! Now he has a job and he says we are better off this way!! But I want him back!! Do you think the no contact rule will work for me! Im 44 and he is 54!!

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      It’s not guaranteed, but I think the no contact rule is your best chance.

      But what would happen if he lost this job and didn’t get another? Would you still want him back? Be sure you really want him for himself, and would stick with him through good times and bad. If you don’t feel that way, you might be better off looking for somebody else.

  10. Miriam

    Hi. Please, help me to understand my situation better. We were together more than 5 years, engaged, bought a house, adopted two dogs. He was happy, I was happy. All of sudden two months ago he told me that he wants to be single again. Just live alone and have sex sometimes with different girls. After one month we spent 3 days together it was like honeymoon but then he said – nothing changed… I left. Blocked him in Facebook, changed my phone number.

    Yesterday at 10am I created a profile on a date site. At 10:15 he found me and marked me as his favorite person.

    Looks like he is going through middle age crisis – he wants me and doesn’t want me at the same time … BTW I am 40, he is 54.

    I started no contact two days ago, on Sunday, before we lived together and I couldn’t.

    Do you think it will work if it’s crisis?

    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      It’s never possible to say definitely what will happen, but I think no contact gives you the best chance. He needs to realize not only that he wants you, but that he wants you enough to give up “singleness” and make your relationship work.

      This could have been worse. It’s good that he told you what was happening and didn’t just go behind your back. But also, I think you’re doing the right thing getting out there and meeting other people. You may meet someone who is more sure of what they want.

      Can you block him on the dating site so you don’t see his activity there? I would do that, if I were you. Otherwise you will feel he is there always in the background of your activity.

      1. Miriam

        Thank you. I am not sure that I may block him on the site – he has to text me first. If or when he will, I will block him. Thank you!

        1. heyfatty

          miriam,i have to be blunt. he is taking you for a fool. as a backup plan (no matter your history with him). if he finds someone he really liked you will be gone asap and he will sure as hell delete you from his life. do not put yourself through that hurt. i was with someone 5 years and he was a future faking lovebombing douschebag. he tried the lets be friends thing (this was so he could come back to me if he found someone else and it didnt work out, erm no). do not sell yourself short please. he is using you now and he wants to have his cake and eat it. he has not hesitated to quickly get back on the dating scene and said he wants other women. That is the reasons i would never be with him again. i would and have deleted everything about my ex because he was untrustworthy around women in general. your situation will end in heartache, for you and youll have wished he just had nothing to do with you and you had nothing to do with him anymore. you deserve better (my ex said that many times) now i realise i did, thanks ha. please do not leave the door open to him, you require a monogamous relationship and set out your own boundaries and find someone who will abide by those. get rid of this guy, its not midlife crisis its selfishness and slaggy behaviour.


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