When The No Contact Rule Works With An Ex – And When It Doesn’t

Couple Not Talking
If you’ve been looking online for information on how to make an ex want you back, you’ve probably heard of the no contact rule. It says, quite simply, that before you start making any move toward getting back together, you need to go through a period of time when you have no contact with an ex.

For most people, this is not easy to do. You may be wondering if it’s even worth it. Let’s see how the no contact rule works with an ex so you can decide whether it’s likely to be successful for you.

No Contact Rule – How Long?

In Text Your Ex Back, Michael Fiore lays down a 30 day no contact rule to get an ex back. He says this is the best length of time to go without seeing, phoning or texting your ex.

Some online sources suggest waiting even longer. We don’t think that’s necessary, although you can still get back together with an ex after more time. If several months or even years have passed since you had any contact with your ex, you’re in a great position because you can begin the next step without waiting.

But 30 days of no contact is enough in most cases. It’s time for your ex to begin to forget the heat of whatever caused the breakup. If they’ve started seeing someone new, it gives them time to maybe become disillusioned with that new relationship.

It’s also enough time for the pain of the breakup to lose its sharpest edge for you. We don’t mean you’ll get over your ex in that time – likely you’ll still miss them and want to get back together, but you’re not so likely to act emotionally which would probably only drive them further away. You can be cool – and you have to be cool if you want your ex back.

To discover more about how the no contact rule works and exactly how to make an ex want you back, check out Text Your Ex Back here.

Does The No Contact Rule Work?

The no contact rule works in a lot of cases because it gives the space you both need to stop acting on raw emotion and start thinking realistically about how you can reestablish your relationship and build it to be stronger next time around.

There’s a good chance it will work if:

– your ex doesn’t want to see you

– you know you’ve been contacting your ex too much (calling, seeing them, texting)

– you want the relationship to work

– you’re prepared to do things differently next time around

There are situations where it doesn’t work. For example if you expect your ex to change and you’re not willing to change yourself, the problems that you had before are likely to come back. But it’s your best shot, so for anybody who wants to get back together with an ex, it’s worth trying.

You won’t know unless you try!

When We Say ‘No Contact’…

… we mean it! You don’t call your ex or show up at their apartment … okay, you got that.
But also:

– you don’t call their number just to hear their voicemail.

– you don’t hang around near their workplace to catch a glimpse of them going in or out.

– you don’t ‘just happen to be passing’ their favorite lunch venue.

– you don’t seek out their friends hoping to hear some news.

– you don’t even look at their Facebook page to find out what they’re doing.

Wait until you’re back in contact with them and let them tell you what they’ve been doing – if they want to. That way, you’ll be genuinely surprised and they won’t feel you’ve been spying on them.

What If You HAVE To Have Contact With Your Ex?

In a few cases there might be reasons why some contact between you is necessary. You might have kids and need to arrange access visits. You might have left stuff at your ex’s home and want to fetch it, or the other way around. You might even work together.

In that situation, think what you would do if you REALLY didn’t want any contact with your ex at all. What would you do if this was a person that you never wanted to see or hear from again? Some ideas:

– if you needed to collect stuff from them, you’d either do it when they were not home or have a friend pick it up for you.

– if they wanted things from your place, you wouldn’t be there. You might ask a friend to be there to check they didn’t take all of your furniture. Or, you’d pack up their stuff and leave it with a friend for them to collect, or have UPS deliver it to them.

– if you were arranging access for your kids, you’d do it in the most distant way: again, through a friend or family member, or even through your lawyer if a divorce has started.

– if you work for the same company, you’d just avoid them as much as you can. Take a route to the coffee machine that doesn’t pass by their desk. Use the stairs to avoid meeting in the elevator. Consider looking for another job or applying for a promotion that would take you out of your ex’s work area. You might be able to make a good career move from the situation.

Use your friends and family during this time. Most of those people will be glad to help you – if you just ask!

“It’s Hard!”

Yes it can be hard to face a whole 30 days of not seeing or speaking to your ex – but you CAN do it if you keep telling yourself that it’s the best – in fact, probably the only – way to make your ex want you back.

Think of all the future that you might have together – the years of happiness. You don’t want to throw that away by indulging your impulses now.

It helps if you can see the next steps ahead of you too. If you understand the whole process, you’ll see where this fits in the system and how the no contact rule works to help you get back together.

>> Click here to see all the steps right now and
start getting your ex back
with Text Your Ex Back from the official website <<

 

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Next post: Get Your Ex Back Coach: Michael Fiore Text Your Ex Back

203 thoughts on “When The No Contact Rule Works With An Ex – And When It Doesn’t

  1. Lars

    Hi, about a month ago my girlfriend broke up after about 6 months. I know for a fact that she has stated to see her old boyfriend, they started to see each other less than a week after she broke up. Her old boyfriend lives in another country and I think he was with her about 3 weeks. He has now gone back but I’m pritty shore that he is coming back and they are going to give it one more chance and and are planing to live together for about 2 months during the summer . After a brief NC period (about a week) she send text which I didn’t answer. She got mad and called me and I answered (I now, I shouldn’t have answered). She just wanted to be friends but at the same time she asked ” Your not going to start dating other girls right away are you? but if you find someone you shouldn’t hold back”. Mixed signals! Since then she has send some messages with more mixed signals. She has picked up some of her clothes but still got some left at my place, which she has told me that she is going to pick up. We went out for dinner about a week ago, we had a good time and ended up at my place and had sex. The next day we coddled in bed had pizza at my place some more coddle. She called me that night and we talked (not about the night before and sex). Do you think she only looks at me as a friend or have stronger feelings? Last night we went out for dinner, ended up at my place and when we where in bed (no sex, had her period) we had a fight about our previous relationship. She left and told me we can’t be friends any more. Tried to call her. A couple of days later Ii got a message “if we cant be friends we cant hangout, thats all”. Pritty shore she has blocked my calls and messages, but not on WhatsApp. Why? We have had dinner one more time and spoken after that, but now I have sent a couple of messages (WhatsApp) whitout getting reply. Now planing to go NC for at least 30 days. Any suggestions?

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      I agree, no contact for 30 days would be the best thing to do. It sounds like since she broke up with you, you have allowed her to dictate when you talk or see her, what your status is (friends or friends with benefits or whatever), and pretty much everything. If you want to have the kind of relationship that YOU want (or even be in a strong enough position to negotiate about what type of relationship you have) you will need to stop responding to her calls for a while.

      When you step away, she has a chance to miss you and appreciate the good things you had together, instead of focusing on the fights.

      Reply
      1. Lars

        Thanks for you advice. Have one more thing that I would like your thoughts about. The last time she stayed at my place, that was when we were in my bed and she left. We didn’t fight rather talked about our previous relationship, and I tried to convince her to stay. Just before she left she said “I have to protect myself”. Would you say that is something positive, negative or nothing. Probably just my brain overanalysing.

        Reply
        1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

          No way to know. Could be just one of those things people say that don’t mean much. Anyway it doesn’t matter what she thought last week or whenever this was. Her thoughts and feelings will change in many ways by the time you next are in contact with her.

          Reply
          1. Lars

            I do wonder if I should tell my ex that I can’t be just freinds and about my NC or just tell her that I’ve been bizzy if she tries to contact me and I run into her. I read somewhere that if you ex calls three times within a couple of hours you should answer or call back. Do you agree? Thanks for all of your advice.

          2. Jennie Hernandez Post author

            You can tell her you don’t want to be just friends if you like. You can also tell her you’ve been busy. Don’t tell her about the NC.* She will think you’re playing games to get her back and then it will take way longer.

            *ETA: if you want, you could say something like “I think you were right, it’s good for us to have some space.” But nothing about 30 days.

            I haven’t heard that about calling back if they call three times but sure, you can do that if you want. Maybe she has something important to say. But if you find she only called to chat, I would try to be the one to end the call.

          3. Lars

            Hi Jennie, just a update. My ex just picked up the rest of her stuff. So now there is no need for me to answer if she contacts me. Made her laugh a couple of time, no talk about our relationship. Followed her to her car, asked her about what she was planning to do. Nothing in particular, and she still hasen’ said anything about her ex. Why? Just before she left she gave me a kiss on the mouth and said lets go out for dinner sone?, I didn’t reply. Feels like I’m dead center in the friendzone and some kind of backup plan. Was going to tell her that I don’t want to be in a friendship relationship, now I’m not shore what to do. Thanks for all your advice.

          4. Jennie Hernandez Post author

            You probably don’t need to do anything. You can go into no contact.

          5. Lars

            My ex emailed me today and asked me not to tell her new boyfriend that she and I have had sex after he went away if he would contact me, said her life was falling apart (she is visiting him now). I answered that I never will/want to hurt her. Was it a mistake to answer? She replied “Thanks, that means alot…”. Just a freindly reply from her?

          6. Jennie Hernandez Post author

            I don’t think it was a mistake, but if you’re doing No Contact I would start over with counting the 30 days.

          7. Lars

            She sent another message this time on WhatsApp, think it’s strange that she sent her first message as email and now WhatsApp, where she wanted to let me know her new boyfriend is hurt and that he knows that we had sex. Since I’m done a 30 days of NC I don’t know if I should contact her, would like to let her know that I only care about her and no one else. I still have strong fellings for her and want her back. Or should I back away and let her be the one initiating contact and see what happens? Not sure what to do next.

          8. Jennie Hernandez Post author

            You could reply something like “It wasn’t me that told him,” if you think that’s what she’s wondering.
            But none of the stuff about your feelings!!! She will experience that as pressure. Better to leave her to figure out her feelings.

          9. Lars

            This will probably be my last question. Received 8 very angry messages where she explained that I have contacted her to much and send inapropriate messages and that I’m ruining her chances to start a serious relationship with her old boyfriend. He apparently thinks that we are getting together again. Whants me to tell her ex that we are just friends. Don’t know how he knows, if she is telling him or something else. Planing to send one last message explaining my previous messages and at the same time letting her ex know that this is the last time I will contact her and that we are solely friends.

          10. Jennie Hernandez Post author

            “letting her ex know that this is the last time I will contact her”
            I wouldn’t commit to that if I were you. You’ll likely want to contact her again someday. What if (or when) they break up? You might feel in that case you wouldn’t have to stick to this, but why make the promise? Unless he is a close friend of yours, I don’t think you need to explain yourself to him or contact him at all. Don’t get involved in their relationship. It’s not your problem.

            I thought you were doing no contact but I guess you haven’t been. If you decide to reply to her now, I would make it very brief, and don’t keep being drawn into this, because you are only setting yourself up to be blamed for whatever is wrong with her new relationship. The best thing you can do is stand right back and wait for them to break up. Stay out of it so you don’t get blamed.

            In your position I don’t think I would reply to her at all. If she doesn’t want you to contact her, then don’t. Or just say something like “This is nothing to do with me. I won’t contact you again for a while.” Then stick to it no matter what messages she sends you.

          11. Lars

            I’ ve been NC for about one month, all this happened during the past couple,of days. Might have been textning a bit to much after NC. Just recieved a text from her ex bf telling me she is visiting him and asking about the status of me and my ex relationship. Asking if she is lying and that she is using the two of us. Should I tell him that we are just friend (which is something I don’t went to be) or no reply?

          12. Jennie Hernandez Post author

            If you haven’t seen her for over a month, why don’t you simply tell him that. “I haven’t seen her for six weeks” or whatever it is. It’s a fact and doesn’t discuss your feelings or your future at all.

            This system doesn’t go straight back into heavy texting after no contact. There are steps and the next one is across the bow texts. It’s a low pressure way to get back in touch. If you want to follow this system, I think you would need to start over with another 30 days.

    2. Jessica

      Hi, I’ve been in a long distance relationship with a man in the USA a year. He’s over 50 years old and have a daughter, she’s now 10 years old. I knew him before, 16 years ago (we had 6 months LDR in 2000). We reconnected after 3 year of his divorce. We just texted on FB massenger about 10 months, after that we talked on WhatSapp about 3 months. He still in touch with his ex, even he stays his ex’s home. I know he loves his daughter so much, so I accepted this. I accepted this because I do trust him, I do like the way he loves his daughter. For me, he is a good man, an amzing dad.

      The problem was one night on Sartuday, I told him that I wanted we taked sooner On Sunday because I had an importhant meeting on Monday (we set up a time to talk only weekends: his time around 11-12PM, my time 12:30 – 13 AM). But that day, I waited so long, it’s untill 14 AM, my time. When we talked he let me knew that his daughter was so late that night. The next week later, he texted me that he wanted to chat on FB masenger because his daughter was sleepling there. I felt unhappy, but I know he loves her so much. One week later on Saturday, I went out with my friends, I was not sitting around at home to talk to him as before. The Sunday night, he texted me “Can we talk? and let me knew his daughter was out with his ex for holidays” I didn’t want to lose myself, however I tried to talk, but I trully felt he hurted my feelings.

      A few days later, I emailed him and telling him about my true feelings, I told him I was unhappy….that I didn’t want to depend on his time. His response that “My new job, having a daughter, it’s difficult to have a spare time. How about this, one of us talk when we have something new or important to say…If you want to talk, text me or email me that you want to talk, I will do the same”. I didn’t reply this email. I didn’t contact him from there, it’s been more than 3 months, he didn’t contact me anymore.

      I do miss him so much for 3 months bearkup. The NO contact rule didn’t work for me. In my deep thought that I want to get my ex back, but I don’t know the best way to get him back although I still love him and he might still love me, and miss me, I think so.

      Please give me advice.

      Reply
  2. Jodie

    Hi, my bf of 3.5 years broke up with me on saturday, i went through his Facebook and saw he was looking at a girl he used to fancy. He came back in from a night with his boys, sat down in bed and immediately said we’re over, he doesn’t love me any more and that he likes someone else (i don’t actually think there is anyone else)

    We have been on the rocks for a while because I’m stressed at uni, i am also very intense, I constantly talk about our future and i think it scared him, he has been constantly saying he can’t deal with me and how intense I am!

    Its been a week of no contact and I’ve heard nothing so far, but his Facebook profile photo is of me and him and so is his relationship status, so thats a little confusing?

    The night he broke up with me he stayed in the same bed as me as we were at his house, we also slept together although i initiated it. Straight after he said it was a mistake and we shouldn’t have done it. The next day he drove me back to uni, the ride consisted of me crying and begging for him back, for his response to be no, he repeatedly said he didn’t love me, there was too much water under the bridge, he also thinks i slept with someone that he said he count get over. He has broken up with me atlas 6 times in the past, and has said all the these things before!

    Whenever we do break up I initiate no contact straight away and he always come back! Is this time any different? i love him so much, i feel that he is the one for me.

    My head is all over the place, can you advise me?

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      Jodie, I suggest you think of ways things can be different next time around. Sure, initiate no contact again, but I wouldn’t rush back into the same situation with no changes, if I were you. Some of your behavior, like wanting reassurance about the future and what you call being intense, sounds quite insecure. Most people find that hard to deal with in a relationship. You could get help that will make you more secure in yourself so you will be less demanding of another person in a relationship.

      I realize you’ll be coming up for exams now but maybe the student counseling service can help you. If not, then a relationship self help book with exercises might be useful, or indeed some relaxation, meditation or mindfulness training, which might also help you with the stresses of your studying.

      For you, I think getting him back is not so much the issue. The issue will be establishing a relationship that is good for both of you, so he stays.

      Reply
      1. Jodie

        Thank you so much for getting back to me Jennie, I really appreciate it.

        I am trying to live in the moment and not 3 years from now, but i find it so hard when i want a life with someone, I am trying to work on myself and tone down my insecurities.

        I am afraid that this time it is for good, he was so calm, and he didn’t budge the next day either. I have no idea how to prove to him that i will change my behaviour and tone down my over obsessed self. I have promised to change my actions many times before and i end up going back to how i used to be.

        He made sure i took all my stuff back from his house and his from mine.

        Although i think he will come back because he always has I’m scared that this is the final straw?

        Reply
        1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

          You can only wait out the no contact time, don’t grab at him the first time he calls you or whatever, but give him time to start to miss you and remember the good stuff.

          The only way to prove you will change is to actually change … which takes time too. Good intentions aren’t enough, unfortunately. And the changes you make might not be the ones you think you want to make. They could be in directions you can’t imagine right how.

          Beyond that, believe that if this doesn’t work out, it’s because something better is waiting for you.

          Reply
  3. R.S.

    My situation is I’m 55 yrs. old, have been in a casual dating relationship for about 10 mos. with this guy that I’ve grown to really like. We both are able to see other people but the past about 4 months I haven’t had sex per se with any other guy, partly because of my traveling, work and other obligations. He has seen other women but he assured me it wasn’t emotional except with me. He is separated for 3 years and his wife doesn’t want him back and he’s struggling with it a lot, losing his family, etc. and describes himself as “a mess”. However, we have a lot of fun together, sometimes date, sometimes just hang out and the sex is…amazing. His description: “mindblowing sex”. I told him I was scared because the sex is so good and he told me before he couldn’t promise me anything at this time. I finally kind of got to the end of my rope being understanding with him all the time where he wasn’t there for me when I needed him to be and totally lost my cool. (was overwhelmed, a family member had been severely victimized, Mother’s day after losing my Mom fairly recent and a neighbor wrongly complaining on my dog making me feel stressed out at home all at the same time) and I took my stress and anger and sadness out on him. I lashed out to him in the worst way. It was beyond awful. The next text I told him about what I was dealing with in a short text. The next day I profusely apologized for what I did and said and told him I would find healthier ways to deal with my stress and anger. The next day he sent a message accepting my forgiveness but said it would probably be best if we distanced ourselves from each other. 2 hours later I sent him a message that said “I understand. It’s probably best. You’re probably right. I wish you the best, my friend”. And that is the last contact I’ve had. Since then I have been implementing the no contact rule. I really miss him and feel still awful for what I did and said. The truth was I was somewhat angry about him and other women, but part of it was I was angry at the man who victimized my family member and took it out on him. Today is day 8. Can the no contact rule work?

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      Yes, I think it can. I’m sure it gives you the best chance. You need to be strong and stick with it, also use the steps that come after, like across the bow texts. You wouldn’t go straight back into calling him when the time is over.

      He sounds reluctant to commit, and I think that’s likely the issue here (not your fight). He may try to start up again with a non-committed “friends with benefits” style of relationship. In this no contact time, I suggest you figure out whether you would accept that or hold out for more commitment. If you accept an open relationship, it will be unreasonable to get mad if he doesn’t offer more, so before you get into it again, you need to be clear whether that’s really OK with you. You do have the right to ask for the kind of relationship you want and expect him at least to be willing to negotiate on that, if he wants a relationship with you.

      By the way, I changed your name to show only initials. I don’t like to publish a person’s full name, for your privacy.

      Reply
  4. Breanna

    Okay I need help. Me & my boyfriend were together for 8 months, I caught him communicating with this girl that he said he was just friends with.. we make up after this…fast forward 3 months, I’m back home for the summer, & he’s were we live for school. So I find the girls Twitter & tell my friend to follow her, she ends up telling him that I’m calling her stalking her etc.. he believes that I did all that when all I did was follow her, so he broke up with me & said hat I’m doing crazy stuff and he’s done he doesn’t want to be stressed out this summer, I never let it go I keep bringing her up…what do I do? I miss him. It’s been 3 days since I’ve contacted him. I’ve started NC but I have lots of stuff at his home & I’m going there this weekend for a party. Advice?

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      Do you mean that you are going to a party at his actual house? Or just in that city? I wouldn’t recommend going to a party at his house right now if I were you. If you just mean the party is in the place where you go to school, then you can use the opportunity to pick up your stuff from his house. Take a friend with you if you can, and make sure your friend knows you don’t want to talk to him any more than you have to. Hope that helps.

      Reply
      1. Breanna

        Do you think he will contact me? Or it seems to be done? Or do you think when I go to get my things he will want to talk, because I honestly don’t want to be done with this. And no a party in the city that we go to school in. Thank you!

        Reply
        1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

          This system relies on making him miss you. That can take a while. The idea of No Contact is that he likely won’t want to talk right now and you will only push him away if you try to. So my suggestion of taking a friend when you pick up your stuff was to avoid you falling into the temptation of starting a discussion about the relationship (or anything at all, really).

          Reply
  5. Christine

    Hi I was in a relationship for fifteen years. We only seen each other once a week as we live in different towns and that is how we liked it as I had two daughters at home. We never argued and had a great time when we saw each other. But I found messages that he had sent to other women asking them out and I finished the relationship. We spoke a few times after that as I wanted to stay friends with him because he had been in my life for so long. But he said he couldn’t as he started dating. I was devastated that he could move on so quickly. I havnt heard from him now for about six weeks. I stopped texting him as I was the one making all the effort to stay friends. Do you think he will get back in touch?

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      That’s hard to say, Christine. It sounds like he was already looking for something more before your relationship ended, and he may want to concentrate on that and not risk causing issues in his new relationship by staying in touch with you, however much he may miss you. When more time has passed it may be easier to meet up again as friends, but I think for now you are right to stop texting.

      Maybe it’s the moment for you to look for someone new, too? Your daughters must be grown after all these years and you could offer more than you could when they were small. Why not look for someone who wants that, or build a new life of your own in other ways? Then if you do meet up with your ex later, you’ll have plenty to talk about.

      Reply
  6. Raquel Lima

    My fiance and I broke up 2 weeks ago. First few days he called angry , he thinks i did things that i didnt do it then felt i treated him like shit for defending myself. His followings his ecrs on instagram now (which they did hurt him) they dont follow him back. I still haven’t moved my stuff out
    What to do ?

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      If I were you, I would pick up my stuff after any breakup, maybe taking a friend along. Then…
      If he ended the relationship, that’s the situation the No Contact rule is designed for.
      If you ended it, you could see if he wants to talk.
      It sounds like you guys have some issues between you that are causing fights. If those are real issues, you may both need to work on them. If they’re not real issues – by which I mean it’s some tiny thing like squeezing the toothpaste the wrong way but there’s a massive fight over it – then a little time out and apart from each other may be enough.

      Reply
  7. Celes

    My relationship broke up because i didnt give her enough time. And so will it work it i dont talk or text her using the No Contact Method. Wont she feel that i am not giving her time again.

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      It depends on what she wants from you now that the relationship has broken up. Does she want to be friends? In that case you might want to show you can be there for her, but at some point you will want to go back into a relationship and out of the friend zone. If she’s not contacting you, then I think the No Contact method would be the best thing you can do. In your situation I would not contact her unless she contacts you first, I guess.

      Reply
      1. Celes

        She told me that she dont know what to talk with me right now so she told me not to call her but we texted some days back and so when i tried texting her the next day she didn’t reply back but She texted me tonight saying good night so should i reply her back? The main reason that we broke up is because i didnt call her or texted her for days. If i stop texting her. Will she think that i didn’t change yet.

        Reply
        1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

          In your unusual case, I would reply to her texts. So you could wish her goodnight back. Since that was the reason for your breakup.

          Reply
          1. Celes

            I tried starting up a conversation but she only replies when she feels like replying and when she wanna start a conversation. So what should i do next

          2. Jennie Hernandez Post author

            The point of the text your ex back system is to give them space so they start to miss you. If you are trying to start conversations, rather than just replying briefly to her texts, you’re doing something different. I wouldn’t do more than replying to her texts if I were you.

  8. Celes

    What if she thinks that I didn’t change yet, if i use the no contact method since we broke up because i didn’t call her or text her and didn’t give her enough time.

    Reply
  9. Amy

    Hi Jennie,

    Your article was a good read, and it hit some key points that I’ve seen before and solidifies a lot of my decision to use the “no contact,” method. Yes, I’m the “dumpee,” of my LDR it’s been a week now since we’ve broken up. She was cordial when I asked if we could talk about our relationship the day after. She broke things off because she didn’t feel hopeful about the relationship, her depression and anxiety kicked in and told me it wasn’t healthy for her so she wanted to do what was best for her, and not be with me. Seemingly enough she’s told me that in person when we’re together all of those feelings fade and she’s happy. She’s contacted me a few times since then, all positive experiences. After I NC’d her for 2 days, and made her wait all day to respond to her text she replied instantly and our conversation was just like how we were in the beginning, affectionate and just getting to know each other! In some of our conversations, she reminisced on a few of the good times we had. I can still make her laugh, and it’s gotten easier to talk to her. She’s also introduced me to her family who all like or love me! Which makes it more difficult to move on from that or even gauge whether she wants me back or just casting out her net to keep me around because of how recent the breakup was and she isn’t quite ready to lose me. I’ve spoken to a few people, namely her dad and he said that I’ve never seen her happier than she was with you. Told me to give her space but be there for her, but in that mean time work on yourself and she’ll start to miss you and wonder why she isn’t with you. I just don’t want to get wide eyed and excited about the idea of getting back together either because that’s still up in the air. There’s just been a lot of signs, mainly from social media but I could be just reading to closely. For example, she didn’t change her status, picture or anything until I did. She likes my statuses, posts and her cover photo is still a picture of me while mine is still a picture of us. She said that she didn’t want to be in relationship, or one in general right now. I’m not worried whether she gets into one or not because she’s very selective of who she likes.

    She sent me a message this morning “Good morning, how’s your day going ?” I haven’t replied to it. I’ve officially decided to fully implement “No Contact,” but one of my concerns is…whether she’ll express any interest afterwards?

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      Hi Amy, it sounds like she might be wanting to keep you in the friend zone. If you like, you can tell her it’s hard for you to be “just friends” and you’d prefer not to be in touch unless she wants to get back together. After the 30 days you would start to make contact again anyway, in a low-pressure way, with across the bow texts.

      Reply
  10. Tessie

    Hello Jennie,
    I need your input with a situation I am struggling with. I met that guy 2 years ago and we had a liaison… Fell in love with him and moved in another place because of that… We remained however connected… He started flirting again with me sending mixed message etc. and feelings came up again.. I finally decided to tell him that I wanted a normal relationship and wanted him to contact me again only if he felt the same. I went on NC of 60 days and ended up missing him more and more… Sent few days ago a message telling him that I had a tough for his dead dad and it made me think of him… (his father who passed away one year before)… 50 seconds later he answered many thanks Tessie for it!! I wrote back telling him that i did not forget about my promised to do so and he just sent me an :-)… Sad as it seems the NC did no work out. Is there something I did wrong or should be doing again? Thanks!!
    Tessie

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      Yes you did do something wrong which is when you wrote back telling him you did not forget. You should do the across the bow text, then to get a reply is awesome! but you stop there, wait a while and send another. Don’t try to build a conversation. Wait for them to do that. Now you can still try again later, but you need to wait a while. You won’t necessarily get the ex back immediately with the first across the bow text. Do you have the Text Your Ex Back system? All the details are in there.

      Reply
  11. PB

    Hey Jennie,
    I’d been seeing this guy for a few months, were never exclusive, but everything was going great, we’d made plans for the week ahead to spend time together, but out of nowhere one week later he told me he was no longer single, but that he really really liked me, even saying he saw girlfriend in me.
    There was no signs anything was going wrong.
    He couldn’t remember the moment he was suddenly no longer single but said it was within 2 days previous.
    Now we don’t talk at all, did for a little bit after, but it felt like he didn’t care anymore, we’d gone from talking everyday to nothing. I started NC after one final message, I’d at that point given up trying to arrange to get my stuff back.
    What do I do after NC? I’m halfway through now. I’m debating maybe another 30 days after? I really do want to get my things back, but it was falling on deaf ears so to speak.
    I do miss him, and stupidly fell for him, he said we were still friends, but for me it was hard so I bowed out, with a positive final message. There’s been no arguments at all the whole time.

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      So first, if you want your stuff back, you need to arrange that now or there’s a risk he will think you don’t want it and throw things out. If he’s stalling I would tell him you will go to his place and wait there until he gives you the things. Hopefully that will make him set a time. But take a friend with you and try not to get into any discussion of anything other than your stuff. No relationship questions.

      From then you would do 30 days no contact and then start with the across the bow texts as I mentioned to Amy a few comments above yours. Good luck x

      Reply
      1. PB

        He knows i want it back, and had arranged when I was in town twice to get it back, both times a problem then arose. I tried again before I went on NC and was ignored, but he still knows. I know my things are safe but I just want them back.
        My things aren’t at his place either that’s another thing.
        That was my plan to just meet and get my stuff.
        I’m due back to where it all is in the next few months (it was long distance), so it’s kinda hard to just pop round and get it, and far to expensive to post.

        Thankyou. X

        Reply
  12. Kimi

    Hi Jennie!

    My boyfriend and I broke up a couple weeks ago. It was him who technically broke up with me, even though I had been thinking about it for awhile as well. I think we did very well together, had many similar interests (with other interesting things about each other to keep the sparks), and worked through disagreements very well. However, the question of what would happen for our future was a huge pressure for both of us, especially since this was our first serious relationship for both of us and neither of us really wanted to settle down any time soon. It was really hard because we both love each other.

    He had said that he really wants to be friends because he doesn’t want to lose me in his life. He had mentioned something about changing our love into a more friendly love. At first, I didn’t think I would be able to because of the history between us. But I ended up thinking about it as we were talking and realized I didn’t want to lose him in my life either. One of my questions about this would be whether this would be a good idea if I feel we have a chance of getting back together one day? I know he has thought about the possibility of us getting back together one day because he said he thought it was a possibility during a conversation we had before our breakup. I know there needs to be space in order for this to happen as well, and no contact. But he has been texting me these two weeks to see how I am and to have coffee with him when I went to give him his stuff back from my place. I told him no to the coffee and responded to his text a week later asking how I’ve been doing and leaving him to be the last one to message. After that though I want to start NC and create space for us. However, my birthday is coming up and I have a feeling he will text me for it. Should I ignore it because of NC or tell him that I need space from talking to him for awhile if we are to be friends?

    Thanks for taking the time to read this!

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      Kiimi, I think you need to be clear in your own mind about what you want. If you want to be friends (and probably stay in the friend zone always) then you can reply to his texts, meet for coffee, etc, as soon as you’re comfortable doing that.

      If you want to rekindle the relationship, it’s better not to get into the friends thing. This is because if you’re friends, he will then have what he wants (friendship with you) and he has no incentive to commit to anything else. So if you want to get the relationship back, you can either go straight into no contact and ignore his texts, or if you want, you can tell him you’re not comfortable being just friends and you’d rather have a complete break.

      But either way, I wouldn’t say “I need space from talking to him for awhile if we are to be friends” because that’s setting you up for the friends thing, which you can do without having any space, so it doesn’t make much sense.

      Reply
  13. Nancy

    Hi

    I was with my ex for 7 months, unfortunately he was married and in that time I fell for him. it was the second affair he had had and he admitted that he got badly burnt by the first person he was with. things were full throttle at the beginning with him telling me he was missing me and offering to take me out all the time very affectionate. However, he did have moments during the relationship where he would freak out saying he didn’t want to hurt me and he was totally messed up. Things continued in a friendly way for about 6 months where he always looked out for me, we continued to sleep together a few times. In October I told him how I felt about him, telling him I had fallen hard for him and i wasn’t trying to pressure him into a relationship I just needed to let him know how i felt. he said he was trying to make things work with his wife and he couldn’t go back there. i didn’t respond as I felt i had said all I needed to. The following day he called me and text me to say if I was ok. I text him back the following day telling him I wasn’t That night I went to the pub with them and we ended up being together, but not till the next morning. we went to work (we work together) and he called me on his way home to see if I was ok. a week or so later his uncle passed away and he told me. I said that I hoped the funeral would go ok and i was there if he needed me. At the end of October he blocked me on whatsapp and i was upset and my friend took his number from my phone and tried to flirt with him and she then said she was going to tell his wife about me and him and he was a scumbag and he said that i was a crazy and to leave him alone. I then messaged him, we got into an argument, he said i’d changed and he trusted me, he liked me and doesn’t mess about. Things were awkward for a little while. then things started to improve and we were getting along. Then a month later I was out with some people from work and I was told something about him flirting with a local barber. I text him to say the guys had told me some interesting things about him then I ended up kissing someone else. The guy found out and suggested that I had slept with this other guy (we hadn’t) and he wouldn’t speak to me. a few weeks later, we had our work do and I was very upset I drank a bit, ignored my ex and ended up sleeping with another colleague (I haven’t had a one night stand before). The next morning I snuck out and asked my ex to call me. He called me, I was asleep at home and I missed it. Later I text him saying he called and I would call him back. He then proceeded to call me later but I missed it again. He text me saying he had gotten me a christmas present and left it under my desk. The next day, it was our last day at work and i text him saying there was nothing under my desk, he said someone had taken it and to have a nice christmas and asked if I had fun with the one night stand guy. I said it was a mistake and I was drunk, he replied saying have a good Christmas. He was then off work for a month cos of his knee, i said to him we needed to talk he called me a liar, disgusting, nuts and sick and how could I care when I slept with someone else. In february he came back to work, things were uncomfortable for a while and in February I wrote him a letter saying I cared about him, I didn’t like hearing about his ex all the time etc etc. He then text me to say happy birthday 2 days later, I asked if he read the letter he said he did. I said i wanted an apology for him hurting me and he said how had he hurt me. I replied and he laid into me telling me I knew the situation, I slept around with his team members, i don’t care about him, that’s a joke, how I kissed someone else the night that him and I were together. things then cooled down and he said it is what it is maybe in time we could be friends. a few texts regarding work passed between us over the next couple of weeks and then one night he called me to talk about an award thing for work. we texted that evening and it felt familiar. Since then things have been up and down. we talk about once a week outside of work, he will call me. We text a few times and he puts kisses every so often. However, sometimes he makes digs about me sleeping with his team but then says it’s a joke, but it is only him I want and I have told him this has upset me as I do not go round sleeping with everyone. He has made insinuations about blow jobs too and then pretends he’s joking but I know he isn’t. We have a work do on the 7th July and he said could he cancel the room as he had to go up north i said of course and asked if everything was ok, he replied yes and then said he may go up on the saturday instead. Then he made jokes about me sleeping with his team and who was I going to get with on that night and I said nobody and laughed it off but I definitely felt like he was wanting me to reassure him that it’s only him and that i want him to stay. Whenever he walks past my desk he will look at me too. I just feel in my gut he still likes me. please help advise

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      Nancy, this guy is repeatedly insulting you. Right now it sounds like you are there for whatever/whenever he wants, and he is not treating you well. If you want him back (and girl I think you could find somebody sooooo much better!) you need to get some self respect and show him he needs to respect you too. You don’t do this by telling him anything, you do it by taking a big step away from him.

      The steps in this plan are the best thing I can advise. You start with the 30 days no contact. I get that you work together. In that situation, treat him like you would treat a coworker that you didn’t get along with. You’d be polite if you had to speak to them about something, but you’d avoid them when possible, and you sure wouldn’t stop to chat. You wouldn’t smile much. You wouldn’t look up when he walks past your desk. You wouldn’t text him or reply to any personal texts he sent you.

      This way it’s possible he will come to value you enough to want a real relationship with you. But I have to say, it doesn’t sound like this guy values women highly at all.

      Reply
      1. Nancy

        Thanks for coming back to me.

        I just don’t seem to be able to get over him and I know in my gut he still likes me and wants me, otherwise he wouldn’t bring up all that rubbish.

        I want to try the no contact rule, but I guess I am worried he will be over me in a second.

        Reply
        1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

          It’s a sad fact that people want what’s not easily available. If somebody is always available, we tend to despise them. Same with other things too. What we have to struggle for, we value much higher. This is why the no contact thing is a good move in cases like this.

          If he is over you in a second, he was likely only interested in the sex anyway.

          And there are a lot of reasons why he might bring up all that rubbish, as you said. One is that a guy feels less guilty about cheating on his wife if he believes everyone is sleeping around. Another is that men can put women down to make them feel insecure so they are more in the man’s power. Take a look at this article about “the game”: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/holly-sidell/dating-advice-for-women_b_1022361.html

          Reply
          1. Nancy

            Thanks for that I will take a look.

            What do I do once the 30 days no contact rule is over?

          2. Nancy

            Thanks I have had a look. But am I wasting my time? Surely if he liked me we would be together?

  14. Sue

    Hi,
    Please can someone help with me situation . My ex and I were together or a year . He’s a bodyguard and was never around so I broke it off. We had a month apart where he didn’t contact me unless I made contact and he would reply . I told him I missed him Nd he replied straight away and we got back together but he was unsure as he knew I hated his job.
    Anyway, he became ill and was in hospital . I did everything for him for the first 2 weeks in hospital and then he went cold on me. Texts were less frequent no calls etc . I was so upset and asked for answers and all I got was he needs time and space till he is better. .
    In the last 6 weeks it’s been off and on. Me doing the testing saying I miss and love him . Him responding constantly telling me he adores and loves me. Can’t be without me then he goes quiet again . Asked if there was someone else which he replied No.
    I went quiet for a few days and heard nothing . When I texted him again he responded straight away saying he missed me and his life is over without me . This continued but never saw one another whilst he was in hospital.
    He the told me that he regretted losing me and knows what he has now lost . I asked whether that meant he wanted k back or to remain as friends . He again went quiet and said he’d texted me later . I have not contacted him since his message as was hurt that he couldn’t be honest with me . He sent a few normal texts that day but I ignored him . That was days ago and have heard nothing from him.
    Yet he always says I am the one and he loves and doesn’t want to be without me yet lies and goes quiet …
    please help

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      Wow, that’s some confusing behavior. I can’t read his mind and tell you what’s going on there, obviously. I guess one possibility is that he was glad to have you around all the time at first when he was in hospital, but then he started to feel swamped. I’m guessing he’s an independent guy who actually likes the fact that his job keeps him away a lot. He wants someone to come home to, but he doesn’t want to be with his significant other 24/7 or anywhere near. He wants you, but he doesn’t want to change his way of life. Does that sound possible?

      If you want to get back together, I’d suggest you go ahead with this system because it’s the best I know for a situation like this (helping your ex to see that he wants a relationship with you). You’ve already started with the no contact so you’re in a good position to continue.

      But you need to decide if you want to be with somebody who does that type of work where he’s not around much. He’s a bodyguard, but the same would be true if he was a truck driver. If you’re not happy about having a lot of time alone, maybe you were right to break it off and you should be looking for more of a 9 to 5 person, especially if you are thinking ahead to marriage and kids. It’s tough bringing up kids with a co-parent who is hardly ever home – perhaps tougher than being a single parent. Anyway, you can think about that during the no contact time, maybe.

      Reply
  15. Logann

    Hi. I’ve just read the post and I wanted to have some advice about how to deal with my situation. My boyfriend and I were together for five years now. There were ups and downs, fought from time to time but not about serious stuff. The thing is, he tried to break up with couple of times for two years now. But the reason he gave me was about small disagreement so as the loving girlfriend I am, I fight for our relationship and told him to stay, that we were going to go through this, as we always did. He agreed, apologized and then promised to never let me go. But this year, I discovered from him that he had feelings for a girl at his workplace. We discussed it, and after some time, he said sorry again and that it was propably just a tiny thing and that I was the one he truly loved. I forgave him. But on monday, he broke up with me, out of the blue, saying that he loves someone else and wants to be with her. I was devastated. I tried to talked to him that day, to beg him to stay. But I soon realised that on that same day, he was already with her as he said “We are in love and we are together”. I was an overlap for months as he was just waiting for a fight to say it was over, as an excuse, I guess. The thing is, I love is so much that I even lended him money when he asked me to, couple of weeks ago before he broke up with me. It was a huge amount but I didn’t mind as I trusted him with all my heart. Now that he’s gone with his new girl, I feel completely lost. My mother told to ask him fir the money back, so I texted him. The breakup was on monday and I texted on wednesday. He said that he will give it back to me by the end of the month. But now, even though I still love him and want to see him badly, I don’t feel ready yet to face him and to just get the money back. I want to stick with the no contact rule now but as I was the one initiating this, should I still reply even if I don’t want contact with him now ? And what if tries to contact my family if he sees that I don’t talk to him ? Should they go with the NC with me too or is it okay for them to be the one who get the money back for me ? Sorry if this is so long I just don’t know what to do anymore…

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      Yes, get the money back!! It’s fine to do this through your family so that you can maintain no contact. It’s also fine for them to talk to him if they want, but ask them not to get into discussing you and your relationship with him.

      If it doesn’t work out to do this through your family (e.g. if he insists on dealing with you to give the money back), fine, do it, keep the email/meeting/whatever as short as you can, then start counting no contact days from the next day.

      Reply

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