When The No Contact Rule Works With An Ex – And When It Doesn’t

Couple Not Talking
If you’ve been looking online for information on how to make an ex want you back, you’ve probably heard of the no contact rule. It says, quite simply, that before you start making any move toward getting back together, you need to go through a period of time when you have no contact with an ex.

For most people, this is not easy to do. You may be wondering if it’s even worth it. Let’s see how the no contact rule works with an ex so you can decide whether it’s likely to be successful for you.

No Contact Rule – How Long?

In Text Your Ex Back, Michael Fiore lays down a 30 day no contact rule to get an ex back. He says this is the best length of time to go without seeing, phoning or texting your ex.

Some online sources suggest waiting even longer. We don’t think that’s necessary, although you can still get back together with an ex after more time. If several months or even years have passed since you had any contact with your ex, you’re in a great position because you can begin the next step without waiting.

But 30 days of no contact is enough in most cases. It’s time for your ex to begin to forget the heat of whatever caused the breakup. If they’ve started seeing someone new, it gives them time to maybe become disillusioned with that new relationship.

It’s also enough time for the pain of the breakup to lose its sharpest edge for you. We don’t mean you’ll get over your ex in that time – likely you’ll still miss them and want to get back together, but you’re not so likely to act emotionally which would probably only drive them further away. You can be cool – and you have to be cool if you want your ex back.

To discover more about how the no contact rule works and exactly how to make an ex want you back, check out Text Your Ex Back here.

Does The No Contact Rule Work?

The no contact rule works in a lot of cases because it gives the space you both need to stop acting on raw emotion and start thinking realistically about how you can reestablish your relationship and build it to be stronger next time around.

There’s a good chance it will work if:

– your ex doesn’t want to see you

– you know you’ve been contacting your ex too much (calling, seeing them, texting)

– you want the relationship to work

– you’re prepared to do things differently next time around

There are situations where it doesn’t work. For example if you expect your ex to change and you’re not willing to change yourself, the problems that you had before are likely to come back. But it’s your best shot, so for anybody who wants to get back together with an ex, it’s worth trying.

You won’t know unless you try!

When We Say ‘No Contact’…

… we mean it! You don’t call your ex or show up at their apartment … okay, you got that.
But also:

– you don’t call their number just to hear their voicemail.

– you don’t hang around near their workplace to catch a glimpse of them going in or out.

– you don’t ‘just happen to be passing’ their favorite lunch venue.

– you don’t seek out their friends hoping to hear some news.

– you don’t even look at their Facebook page to find out what they’re doing.

Wait until you’re back in contact with them and let them tell you what they’ve been doing – if they want to. That way, you’ll be genuinely surprised and they won’t feel you’ve been spying on them.

What If You HAVE To Have Contact With Your Ex?

In a few cases there might be reasons why some contact between you is necessary. You might have kids and need to arrange access visits. You might have left stuff at your ex’s home and want to fetch it, or the other way around. You might even work together.

In that situation, think what you would do if you REALLY didn’t want any contact with your ex at all. What would you do if this was a person that you never wanted to see or hear from again? Some ideas:

– if you needed to collect stuff from them, you’d either do it when they were not home or have a friend pick it up for you.

– if they wanted things from your place, you wouldn’t be there. You might ask a friend to be there to check they didn’t take all of your furniture. Or, you’d pack up their stuff and leave it with a friend for them to collect, or have UPS deliver it to them.

– if you were arranging access for your kids, you’d do it in the most distant way: again, through a friend or family member, or even through your lawyer if a divorce has started.

– if you work for the same company, you’d just avoid them as much as you can. Take a route to the coffee machine that doesn’t pass by their desk. Use the stairs to avoid meeting in the elevator. Consider looking for another job or applying for a promotion that would take you out of your ex’s work area. You might be able to make a good career move from the situation.

Use your friends and family during this time. Most of those people will be glad to help you – if you just ask!

“It’s Hard!”

Yes it can be hard to face a whole 30 days of not seeing or speaking to your ex – but you CAN do it if you keep telling yourself that it’s the best – in fact, probably the only – way to make your ex want you back.

Think of all the future that you might have together – the years of happiness. You don’t want to throw that away by indulging your impulses now.

It helps if you can see the next steps ahead of you too. If you understand the whole process, you’ll see where this fits in the system and how the no contact rule works to help you get back together.

>> Click here to see all the steps right now and
start getting your ex back
with Text Your Ex Back from the official website <<

 

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Next post: Get Your Ex Back Coach: Michael Fiore Text Your Ex Back

519 thoughts on “When The No Contact Rule Works With An Ex – And When It Doesn’t

  1. Miriam

    Hi. Please, help me to understand my situation better. We were together more than 5 years, engaged, bought a house, adopted two dogs. He was happy, I was happy. All of sudden two months ago he told me that he wants to be single again. Just live alone and have sex sometimes with different girls. After one month we spent 3 days together it was like honeymoon but then he said – nothing changed… I left. Blocked him in Facebook, changed my phone number.

    Yesterday at 10am I created a profile on a date site. At 10:15 he found me and marked me as his favorite person.

    Looks like he is going through middle age crisis – he wants me and doesn’t want me at the same time … BTW I am 40, he is 54.

    I started no contact two days ago, on Sunday, before we lived together and I couldn’t.

    Do you think it will work if it’s crisis?

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      It’s never possible to say definitely what will happen, but I think no contact gives you the best chance. He needs to realize not only that he wants you, but that he wants you enough to give up “singleness” and make your relationship work.

      This could have been worse. It’s good that he told you what was happening and didn’t just go behind your back. But also, I think you’re doing the right thing getting out there and meeting other people. You may meet someone who is more sure of what they want.

      Can you block him on the dating site so you don’t see his activity there? I would do that, if I were you. Otherwise you will feel he is there always in the background of your activity.

      Reply
      1. Miriam

        Thank you. I am not sure that I may block him on the site – he has to text me first. If or when he will, I will block him. Thank you!

        Reply
        1. heyfatty

          miriam,i have to be blunt. he is taking you for a fool. as a backup plan (no matter your history with him). if he finds someone he really liked you will be gone asap and he will sure as hell delete you from his life. do not put yourself through that hurt. i was with someone 5 years and he was a future faking lovebombing douschebag. he tried the lets be friends thing (this was so he could come back to me if he found someone else and it didnt work out, erm no). do not sell yourself short please. he is using you now and he wants to have his cake and eat it. he has not hesitated to quickly get back on the dating scene and said he wants other women. That is the reasons i would never be with him again. i would and have deleted everything about my ex because he was untrustworthy around women in general. your situation will end in heartache, for you and youll have wished he just had nothing to do with you and you had nothing to do with him anymore. you deserve better (my ex said that many times) now i realise i did, thanks ha. please do not leave the door open to him, you require a monogamous relationship and set out your own boundaries and find someone who will abide by those. get rid of this guy, its not midlife crisis its selfishness and slaggy behaviour.

          Reply
  2. Laura

    I just left a guy I was with 2 years because he wouldn’t work!! I left him when he was gone one day and I closed out our bank account!! Dont get me wrong he cooked and he cleaned and he did my laundry!! Now he has a job and he says we are better off this way!! But I want him back!! Do you think the no contact rule will work for me! Im 44 and he is 54!!

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      It’s not guaranteed, but I think the no contact rule is your best chance.

      But what would happen if he lost this job and didn’t get another? Would you still want him back? Be sure you really want him for himself, and would stick with him through good times and bad. If you don’t feel that way, you might be better off looking for somebody else.

      Reply
  3. Fiqa

    heyy, good day. I’ve been brokeup with my girlfriend last month and she ended it. we have been together for around 5 years and it is a long distance relationship. last week after we broke up, she said she miss me but indirectly. I’ ve applied No Contact rules but only last for 2 days. I kept on spamming her whatsapp and telegram. Last week we’ve discussing if she wants to see me and she said she’ll loved to. But today she said she doesn’t want to see me anymore. She still wearing our couple ring and sweetly save my name as Mystereoheart, as of yesterday. Now she’s blocking my number on her whatsapp. But not on her telegram. She keeps saying we are over, she doesn’t have anything to do with me anymore. She keep asking to return her things. What should i do? I love her. I’d even begged for her. Help me please 🙁

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      I think you know what I’m going to say, right? I’d return her things as she’s asked, and then do No Contact for 30 days. I know it’s hard, but if you keep spamming her accounts when she doesn’t want to hear from you, you’ll only drive her further and further away.

      Reply
  4. Michael

    My ex and I broke up (she) in the heat of the moment. After three days of no contact she sent me a message saying how much she missed me already and then we were on the phone till the next morning. That evening she came to my house as a surprise and we spent three days in a row together. She misses me, she says she loves me and really wants to spend time with me, but she’s panicking; about the future, about her job, about everything, really. She clearly has some attachment-issues. Where as, normally I chose to offer her safety during those moments, I now decided to put a limit on it, for myself. So we had a date, but I told her I thought it was better to take some time apart en reflect on everything that had happened. Now we’re three days into NC. However, since this was not a typical break-up, and because I’m really sure she never felt the “relief”-part, I’m wondering if NC is the way to go…

    Reply
    1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

      What do you think she wants right now? Do you think she wants to break up, wants to be just friends/friends with benefits, or she is unsure, or do you think she wants to get back together and hoped this would happen when she came to see you after 3 days?

      If it’s any of the first three including unsure, then no contact might be right for you. But the point of no contact is to get her to want to you back (in a relationship, not just as friends) so if she is already wanting you back, then you have achieved it and there’s no need to do no contact unless you want to take a step back from the relationship yourself. And in that case it wouldn’t have to be complete no contact because you would be in a position to call the shots.

      Reply
  5. ANKUR

    My ex was so frustrated that she told me that i am suffocating her with texts and phone calls. I was so anxious that lastly i called up her gym to know whether she is lying or not and she got to know about this. I was so furious and anxious that i think she might be seeing the gym trainer or someone else because she had started lying.

    Finally she told her mom that she doesn’t want to be in this relationship and i am forcing it then her mom called me up to breakup with her. We were together from last 4 and a half years. Can this work for me?

    She was confused about things sometime she even called up crying in the night. Its been three days that I haven’t called her up or texted her.

    Reply
    1. ANKUR

      Also she told me before all this that we can be in friends with benefit kind of scenario to give time to relationship. I don’t know what to do now. The breakup was also so harsh and she usually told me that she don’t have feelings for me now. She has been thinking about this from last six months but still she was happy. She told me she is avoiding to meet me because if she meets me she melts.

      Reply
      1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

        I think that 30 days of no contact would give you the best chance of getting back together. With your history of keeping a close watch over her, you will surely find it difficult, but you said that she has found that suffocating, so you need to show her that you are willing and able to back off and give her more freedom.

        I think that seeing each other as friends is always a bad idea in this situation. If she sees you all the time she won’t be missing you and wanting you back. Also, it will likely be difficult for you to spend time with her without showing that you are hurt and putting more pressure on her, which is the worst thing to do right now.

        Reply
        1. ANKUR

          Thank you, but what about her talking to someone on phone and whatsapp. She sent me request on insta i accepted and sent the request back she also accepted it but she was busy the whole day on whatsapp and call literally the whole day .
          What about the guy who she is talking to so much and what if she is seeing him?

          Reply
          1. Jennie Hernandez Post author

            If you want this to work, you must stop expecting to control what she does. How do you know it’s a guy she is talking to all of that time? It might be a girl friend or her mother, or it might be a lot of different people. Right now especially, but also when you get back together, you need to relax about what she is doing when she’s not with you, or you will suffocate her and drive her away.

            It would be easier for you if you weren’t checking up on what she is doing. I don’t think it really counts as no contact if you are looking at her social media activity all of the time – certainly not if she knows you are doing it. Would you consider unfriending her so you are not tempted to check up on her?

            If she starts seeing someone else, under this system you let that happen and wait. At the right moment you will try to get her back, and by then you hope that she has lost interest in the other person. It’s like with kids – if you try to stop them doing something with force, they only want to do it more. Let her find out for herself that you are what she truly wants.

            And if that doesn’t happen, you cannot force her to love you, either. All you can do is back off so you don’t push her further away. I believe that this way gives you the best chance of winning her back, but there are no guarantees.

  6. Anamika

    My ex and I broke up bcoz a fight escalated. He had been taking me for granted. We were thinking of going on a trip but at the deciding time, he said he doesn’t have money. Then two weeks later, he told me he’s going on a trip with his friends. For some reason the plan failed, but not bcoz he didn’t have money. When I pointed it out to him, he gave reasons of problems in his life and that i hurt him. I didn’t handle it well. Then he said he doesn’t love me anymore. It hurt me and I haven’t contacted him since. But I miss him. He asked for his things back in the hands of a mutual friend. I’ve given them. I don’t know what to do now.

    Reply

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